A Skyscraper Funosity Wise
by Trampy Mouse
Summary: Sequel to my Gird your Nungas and Prepare for Battle fanfic. After having a Dave the Tart thrust at her for donkey's years, Georgia suddenly finds the chase the other way around! Has Dave gone officially mad? Pairing: GeexDave, obviously! Read Gird first
1. Authors Note IMPORTANT!

VAIR VAIR IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE

**VAIR VAIR IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE!!**

**Read it or be square!! P**

**Encasio you didn't read the summary (I don't always :o ) This is a sequel to my other fanfic Gird your Nungas and Prepare for Battle.**

**So pleeeeeeease make sure you have read that before reading this! You may find you are saying '**_**What in the Name of PANTS'**_** if you don't be you would have missed trés important details full of importantosity. Such as The Family of Laugh, the forfeit, the way events span around at the end and all sorts of my little thingy-watsits that are err…bugger, I don't want to say important again…err….um…important. Ah, how about essential? (used the synonym watsit on word, hehehehehe)**

**Anyway, to my lovely amigos that have read my other fanfic…I DECIDED!! I will do the sequel first…my new angle will waitio. I think a) I am vair wrapped up in the plot b) Sorted the ending which was a bit…dodgy…at first c)I am in this style and my other fanfic is a diffo approach…still Geeisms…still Georgia…Still Georgia and the Laugh…but, oh! I can't say, I don't want to give it away!! But the other needs tweaking anyway (already wrote bits). **

**Okay, Dokily Thank you for your attention! Love you!! xx**


	2. The Fun is in the Chase

****

Okay, Okay, you won! I will write the sequel first. Well, truthfully I have had it stuck in my head all weekend. Ooooh, I had really bad computer-withdrawal over the Weekend. I was at my dad's from Fri-Sun rather then Fri-Sat and (apart from going to this suicidal adventure park- seriously, I don't know why the Health & Safety Authorities haven't shut it down!) I have had NO creative outlets at all. Couldn't do digital art, couldn't write fanfics, couldn't work on my animation, couldn't work on the game…arrrrgghh. I really don't know how I'm going to survive my holiday.

* * *

**The Fun is in the Chase**

_**Wednesday June 11**__**th**_

_**2.30pm**_

Marvy Day. Sun shining. Birds Tweeting. Poodles Pratting. Marvy Day.

_**2 minutes later**_

So, answer me this. How, on such a marvy day can I be in such a dire state of confusiosity?

_**3 minutes later**_

How in the name of Jas' Gigantibus Knick-Knacks have I ended up stalking Dave the Laugh?

_**5 minutes later**_

Well. I know how that happened. I overheard Dave telling Tom how much he luuurved me but then he found me listening and had a spaz attack. Then I went around his house to talk to him and he had a nervy B and then ignorez-voused me. And then I told him I loved him and he went completely bonkers and told me to stalk him.

And then he snogged me to an inch of my life and went off.

_**3 minutes later**_

After Dave the Laugh snogged me into the oblivion of Stupid Braindom, I was in too much of a daze to chase after him. And incapable of movement. Well, I could have ran off after him like a loon but a) I quite possibly may have fallen over for jelloidosity and b) I would have looked like a red faced tart in desperados. Which I am not.

_**1 minute later**_

I am just a tart in desperados. Without the red face.

Although quite possibly with permanent panda eyes.

_Merde_.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that I am blubbing like two short blubbing things on blubbing tablets. It is just the mascara will not come off.

I am destined to look like one of those sad Goths who have black make up all around their eyes.

_**30 seconds later**_

Anyway, before my brainbox trailed off into the Land of Rambling Ramblers of Rambleton-shutupshutupshutup! As I was saying, it took me about five minutes to recover from my traumatic shock and then I went looking for Dave the Laugh. Or Laughman as he as known at night.

You would think walking around like a pink haired loon with a demented little brother it would be vair, vair easy-peasy to find him. Especially since Nash had a mob of angry footballers chasing him. But it wasn't. That is_ le_ fact.

I could not find him anywhere.

Some stalker I'd make.

_**4 minutes later**_

Not that I am going to stalk him. I like to think I have more pridnosity than that.

That is what I like to think.

_**3 minutes later**_

Anyway, how would you charm a Laugh?

I could ask my Wise Woman of the Forest bestest pally pal…

_**2 minutes later**_

Maybe not. Jas would tell me to take him newt hunting and worship the way of the twig. Can you imagine me and Dave the Laugh going newt hunting? It is not like we would find any newts. I would most probably fall in the river. And then the Bride of the Vole will have our heads mounted on her bedroom wall for wreaking devastation to the Newt Population.

So she has in a word been branded a yellow fish by a red fish. Or so to speak.

_**1 minute later**_

Shutup about newts and fish. It is all this river business.

_**3 minutes later**_

I could ask the Wise Viking One Ro-Ro to explain.

_**2 minutes later**_

Although I will be tortured by the beard. And no human should have to. It is not right.

And besides, she will tell me to entice him in by snacks and snogging. Which would not work…well, maybe the snogging would.

_**1 minute later**_

So, the nub and gist is that my two_ trés_ Wise Pals are not wise but in fact full of Wubbish.

Double Poo. And Merde. I will have to go it alone.

_**3 minutes later**_

I was doing a marvy job reeling him in with glaciousity and eschewing him with a firm hand. Maybe that is what he likes. Me being mystery girl.

He wants to be mystery boy now. And eschew me and display glaciousity.

_**2 minutes later**_

Hahahahahaha. Dave displaying glaciousity. That will be a sight for sore eyes. And normal eyes. And in fact, any eyes that fancy a laugh. Not that eyes laugh. ShutupShutupShutup.

_**1 minute**__** later**_

Anyway, back to the heart of the matter.

I can't display glaciousity if I am supposed to be all keen and stalking him.

_**2 minutes later**_

Which I am not going to do, being full of pridnosity and digniosity.

I must make the suffra-watsits proud. They fought for equal rights of the girly-types.

_**3 minutes later**_

So if it is equal rights then it is only fair for me to take a turn with chasing Dave the Laugh.

_**1 minute later**_

Not that I will.

_**2 minutes later**_

And besides. Because they fought for equal rights, I have to go to school. And witness the horror of Slim's Chin. Or rather chins.

_**3 minutes later**_

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers. Things have really gone up Shi Cree without a watsit.

_**3.30pm**_

Mutti came looning back home. All giggly and red faced. I wonder what she has been up to? On second thoughts, I don't want to _know_ what she has been up to.

She had a bag of bog-roll in one arm and Libby in the other. Libby was wearing another Toddler's dress. On top of her own.

It makes you wonder what the other Toddly-Folk went home in.

Most probably a match box.

_**2 minutes later**_

Naturally, seeing as her life ended in the Stone Age, Mutti had to come into my room to see what I was doing.

"What are you doing in your room?"

I said, "As a matter of fact I am making a lovely roast dinner,"

But my comedy genius was wasted. Which was a shame, because it had two prongs of hilariousity. Firstly, I don't have an oven in my room and secondly, there is only moss in the fridge. Even in such a time of pooinosity, I have a shining Laugh-o-Factor.

Mutti said, "I am pleased to see you did what you are told and stayed in the house,"

I said, "Hahahahahaha, of course I did, barely moved a muscle, no social life for me, I am going to be a nun,"

Mutti still would not leave me alone, "Why is your mascara smudged?"

I decided to play on the old heart strings (what heart strings?) "I was crying because I could not sort this really bad thing out, which is _private _and vair, vair upsetting,"

Mutti looked a bit hesitant, "Well, err, seeing as you did what I asked, I guess you can go out for a bit, just be back before your dad is,"

I nearly fell over in shock.

_**10 minutes later**_

I still look a bit like Polly the Panda, eye-wise but I think I did a good job covering it up with concealer.

_**2 minutes later**_

Now…what to do with my new-found freedom?

_**3 minutes later**_

I could go on stalking duties…

Or not. I am not that desperate.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder what Dave the Laugh is doing now?

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh fabby. Blunder Boys alert.

I dived into a bush.

_**3 minutes later**_

_**Trapped in a Bush**_

Mark Big Gob and his gang of Thick-Heads have lit up fags and are generally being naff and crap while I am stuck in a bush. With a twig up my bum 'oley.

Mark said, "Yeah, that Zoë Bird let me go all the way with her. She is well easy,"

One of the Blunder Boys said, "I heard she'd been shagging Gary every Wednesday after school. I would watch out, mate. She's probably got something,"

Mark said, "That Gary is well stupid. Anyway, Josie was looking at me proper good, like, so I think I'm in with her anyway,"

And Junior Blunder Boy, Oscar said, "Well, I got all the way up with Harriet and also Gabby, and…err…"

In your dreams, Oscar.

_**Home**_

_**4.00pm**_

I thought Mutti was going to choke on her coffee when I walked in. I think she thought I'd run away. To Hamburger-a-go-go land.

_**6**__**.30pm**_

I was called downstairs. When the Elderly Loons want my company it means one of two things: they are bored with there own lives and want to wreck mine or I am in deep Merde.

My bet is on the latter.

Vati shouted, "GEORGIA, GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE THIS INSTANCE!!"

Honestly, he is so crude.

I said, as I sat down, "Will I be sat down here for long or will I be sent to my room? I want to know whether to get comfy or not,"

Vati said, "This is the exact attitude I suppose got you suspended!"

Poo. With knobs.

I said, "No, actually, my carinosity got me suspended,"

"Don't talk utter bollocks,"

Which I think is hypocritical coming from a fat guy with a small badger on his upper lip and a clown car.

I put on my most diplomatic smile, "Oh, dad, of course I wasn't speaking utter bollocks. I was being honest and open,"

"I don't go to work to earn money and buy you things for this cheek!"

When does he ever buy me anything? Never, is the answer.

I said, "I get a fiver a year if I am lucky,"

He shouted, like a raving fat bearded one, "GO TO YOUR ROOM!!"

Why call me down in the first place? _Was ist der_ point?

_**8.15pm**_

Merde. What am I supposed to do now?

Why is Dave the Laugh being so awkward? If he was as in luuurve with me as he said, for nearly a year, then you would think that when I ask him out he would say 'Yes, yes and three times YESSSS'

But he said, "I would like you to stalk me,"

Why? Does he get some sort of thrill thinking that I am going to chase him? Is he mad?

_**3 minutes later**_

Stupid Boys.

_**2 minutes later**_

Why is Big G punishing me? Every boy I reach for, he puts out of my reach. Even the Laugh. Who is in Luuurve with me. And I told him I was in luuurve with him.

I thought, according to the Egg Horn, that I would be nice and safey in Dave's Egg. But he keeps rolling away from me.

_**6 minutes later**_

I am not going to roll after him.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am not going to play his game. I will phone him and tell him.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phoning Dave the Laugh.

"Hello, Sensation Seeker!"

I said, "Hi, Dave! It's me, Georgia,"

"Oh, hi…"

He didn't sound very friendly.

"Err…Dave, what have I done wrong now?"

"Huh?"

"Why do you suddenly sound miz?"

"I am practicing my glaciousity,"

Oh. Of course.

I said, "You are rather naff at it, Dave, and plus I had enough of your Mr. Moody PANTS episodes yesterday,"

He said, "Ok, Miss Stalker,"

I said, "So, err, how are you, now?"

There was silence.

"Dave, are you still there?"

"Yes,"

"Why are you being quiet?"

"Because I am now practicing my ignorez-vousing technique,"

He is soooo irritating.

I said, "Dave, you are becoming as bad as Jazzy-Spazzy phone-conversation-wise,"

That obviously affected him because he said, "Oh, Ok, I am fab thanks, how are you Miss Stalker?"

I said, "A bit on the pooey side, actually,"

Dave said, "Didn't Libby make it to the Poo Parlour division then?"

I said, "No! I don't mean literally! I meant…doesn't matter. But I phoned to tell you that I am not playing,"

"Oo-er,"

"DAVE!"

"Ok, Ok, Miss Stalker, you are not doing very well to make me feel well disposed towards you. You should try complementing me. Try saying 'Dave, you are the most sexy creature on two legs. Even talking down the phone to you, I can barely control myself, I'-"

"Dave, just shut up, please, you are highly-"

"Gorgeous?"

"IRRITATING!!"

"Well, it a rather special gift I was blessed with, Miss Stalker,"

"Especially annoying,"

"Exactly,"

"Dave, listen, can we just drop this stalker business and just go out like two, normal, sophis people brimming with maturiosity?"

"Us? Sophis? Mature?"

"Dave! You said you wanted to go out with me. I want to go out with you. So why can't we just go out? Without this nonsense?"

"Kittykat, the fun is in the chase,"

"No, it isn't,"

"Yes it is,"

"Dave?"

"Yep?"

"Why are you insisting on being annoying?"

"It is quite fun,"

"Dave?"

"Yep?"

"Shut up,"

"That is not a nice way to talk to your stalkee,"

"DAVE! I AM NOT STALKING YOU! GOT IT!?"

"Gee! I am ashamed of you. You are a sex kitty of highest order, yet you are behaving like a lazy pussy cat instead! If you luuurved me like you said you do then you would adoringly stalk me,"

"I do! I just don't want to stalk you!"

"Then say it,"

"Say what?"

"Say you luuurve me,"

"You know I do,"

"Say 'Dave, you are beyond Marviness and I am infatuated by your irresistible charm. I luuurve you',"

"No,"

There was silence.

"Dave?"

"I am ignorez-vousing you until you say it,"

"Dave…"

Silence.

"Fine then, Dave, you are beyond Marviness and I am infatuated by your irresistible charm. I luuurve you,"

"Thank you, Miss Stalker, S'later, pip pip,"

And he hung up.

_**1 minute later**_

Why do I have a strong urge to strangle him?

_**12.00pm**_

Can't sleep. Particularly because of Libby snoring like a giant slug. I can hear her from here. And she is for once in her bedroom.

_**12.10pm**_

If Dave the Laugh wants me to stalk him then I will. I will be the most annoying stalker ever. I will post things through his letter box. Dog his every move. Spy on his with mini cams. He will regret asking me too. I am going to start right no-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

* * *

**So, you like? It is about a million degrees at the moment. Phew, I am baking. Sorry it is a bit short, I only had half a day to write, seeing as the last chapter of Gird is half a day long. So, tatty bye!**


	3. Just a Hunch of Course

**Oh buggeration. I have loads of art homework to do. But I simply do not feel like doing it. It is the holidays…I want to write this!! Stuf****f Art. :P.**

**Anyway, I continuey.**

* * *

**Just a Hunch of Course**

_**Thursday **__**June 12**__**th**_

_**8.20am**_

Dave might be able to sleep in till one in the afternoon but there is no chance in Slim's Giant Knickers of even having a lie-in in The Nicolson House Hold.

Why Libby feels she has to sit in my bed every morning is beyond me. And why does she have to bring so many toys? Last time I checked the head count was eight. And that is what some of them literally are. Just heads.

_**3 minutes later**_

Although she has made a type of hybrid toy by gluing them back together.

Unfortunately other things have been glued to the Hybrid Toy. Such as the car keys and one of my old lip glosses.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am surprised Libby didn't stick her elbow to her toe by accident or something. Then we would have had to go to casualty. And that would break up a boring day grounded. And suspended.

_**3 minutes later**_

Technically I should be as busy as a bee. Stalking

_**2 minutes later**_

What do stalkers do anyway? Apart from following I mean.

_**1 minute later**_

How would I find out where Dave is? I am not sitting outside his house 24/7 waiting for him to come out.

I am not that desperate.

_**4 minutes later**_

I can feel something cold and squishy by my ankle.

I am scared to look encase it is one of Libby's 'fwends'

_**2 minutes later**_

What normal person puts mouldy, cold porridge in a sandwich bag?

I said, "Erlack! Erlack! Libby that is disgusting,"

"It's naiiice, bad boy!"

"No, it isn't,"

"Yes, it is,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

"No,"

"YES!"

And that is when the bag of porridge came swinging through the air and exploded in my face.

_**9.45pm**_

It is like mission impossible trying to get this porridge out my hair. I've been trying to get it out for about a squillion years now.

I may be forced to kill Libby.

_**10 minutes later**_

Vati cam knocking at the shower door. Erlack a Pongoes. Vati at the door. And me in my nuddy-pants. Erlack! Erlack!

I said, "Go away! I'm trying to shower!"

He said, "Georgia, you've been in there for an hour now! You're wasting water! There'll be none left!"

What planet does he live on? 'There'll be none left'. Encase he hadn't noticed the Earth is 75 percent water. We learnt that in Geoggers. So it is _le_ fact.

I told him that, I said, "Vati, the Earth is covered in 75 percent water. No way can I use all that,"

He started grumbling on about bills or what ever nonsense so-called grown ups talk about. It's only an excuse to not give me squillions of squids for spendaroonies. The reason why he is upset it because he doesn't want me to flood the house like he does at his 'job' at the water board.

Then Mutti said, "Georgia, if you don't come out, you'll end up looking like a prune,"

_**4 minutes later**_

Gadzooks! Mutti is right for once. I look like one of Granddad's wrinkly old chummies. I may be taken to the house of the Elderly Insane. Oh poo.

At least my hair is nice and cleany now. And smells of strawberry shampoo.

And Libby's gone off to the torture centre or nursery as some call it.

_**6 minutes later**_

I wonder whether Doctor Libby will be doing any hybrid experiments on the Toddly-type Folk?

_**Midday**_

Mutti came buzzing into my room. She was all tarted up.

I said, "Mutti, has the mutton dressed as lamb fashion come back?"

Mutti said, "Have you got any blue eye shadow?"

I said, "No,"

But then she started rustling through my drawers and cupboards. I had to stop her. Because she might find something in there which isn't necessarily mine… err… i.e. hers.

I told her that bright green would look lovely with her outfit. I didn't. I made her look like a prozzie, only not as nice. But live and let live I say.

_**2 minutes later**_

But anyway, the nub and gist is that Mutti has gone. So I've got the house to my selfy. I'm all aloney, on my owny. Yessssss.

_**3 minutes later**_

So I can get back to the important matters at hand. Such as this Stalking Fiasco I am being forced to do against my will. What I do for luuurve…

_**5 minutes later**_

I am going to casually walk around down town and casually bump into Dave the Laugh. Hopefully. I have a habit of bumping into him anyway. Not literally, I hope, because he might get knocked out by my nunga nungas.

_**2 minutes later**_

And because I am being casualosity personified I am going to go au natural on the make up front. So I am only wearing foundation, concealer, mascara, eye liner and lip gloss to enhance my natural beauty (!).

_**4 minutes later**_

Are boy entrancers going too far?

_**1 minute later**_

I might have a fair bit of entrancing to do.

_**2 minutes later**_

But then again it makes me look like I was looking for him. Which I won't be. Because I am being casual.

And also if there is a lot of snogging they may fall of and get stuck to his face. Although Dave will probably think that is funny. He is the Laugh after all.

_**Free as to short free things in free land, just not so cheap…yeah.**_

_**12.30pm**_

Wearing the Boy Entrancers.

_**2 minutes later**_

It's odd being out of school on a school day. It is vair, vair quiet apart from Elderly Loons and Blunder Boys bunking off.

_**15 minutes later**_

No sign of Dave. Although as I walked down the high street I did get three beeps from some cars. Which is a plus.

_**2 minutes later**_

You would think that seeing as Dave was the one who suggested I stalk him, that he would make himself easy to find. You would think that, wouldn't you?

_**10 minutes later**_

Went into Boots and brought a nice new lip gloss. It is called Plum Parade. Tastes gorgey and is a sort of purpley-pink colour. Or would it be a pinky-purple colour? Who knows? Who cares?

Still haven't seen Dave the LaughyLaugh. But then, if I had seen him buying make up in Boots I may have been a little worried.

_**8 minutes later**_

Ah, this reminds me of when I was stalking the Former SG. When I had particular horn and red bottomosity for one. Happy Days.

Then the devil himself appeared. Not Dave. Robbie. The marsupial man.

"Hi, Gee, why aren't you in school?"

A year ago I would have died knowing Robbie remembered I went to school. That I was _trés_ young. But now I am not that bothered. It is funny how you can luuurve someone so much then they just become another friend.

"Hi, Robbie. I'm suspended at the moment so I am Stalag 14 free,"

Amazing. No stupid brain or nothing. I have already said it, and I will say it again, it is vair, vair funny how you can be in luuurve and then not.

Robbie said, "Not you, as well! Tom was suspended for a day yesterday. Is it a trend or something?"

I said, "No, err…me and Dave had a bit of an argument and ended up storming out of school but we got Tom, Jas and Rosie in deep _merde_ too,"

He said, "Oh. I heard about the argument. Are you and Dave cool now?"

I said, "Yep, we are as cool as two short cool things in cool land,"

Robbie laughed. It was nice to hear him laugh. Last time I saw him I made him cry. I wonder whether he still likes me? I am a boy entrancing magnet.

Robbie said, "I was hoping to talk to you actually,"

Uh-Oh.

He carried on, "I am jetting back to New Zealand again, in a couple of weeks,"

I said, "What about Lindsay?"

He said, "What about Lindsay?"

"Aren't you and her…you know?"

"I didn't think you liked Lindsay.," he said, "If you mean are we going out again, the answer is no. As I said, I have someone in New Zealand,"

Oh yes. Wilma the Wombat. She triumphs over stick insects.

He said, "Anyway, I'm having a last leaving gig in a couple of weeks. It will be at the usual club. I am not sure the day yet. I'll get Jas to tell you nearer the time,"

I said, "Wow, ok,"

He said, "I best be off. I have some stuff to do. It will be cool if you can make it to the gig. I'm going to miss you when I go back to New Zealand. Your completely mad ways. _Write _this time, yeah?"

I said, "Of course, anyway, I need to go, err…need to get back, grounded,"

Robbie said, "Oh, of course, good luck with you and Dave,"

I nearly went then my mouth said without meaning to, "What do you mean me and Dave?"

Robbie said, "Oh. Well, he was the reason why you split up with Masimo, wasn't he? You two will be good together, I've always thought that, that is why I- err, yes, anyway, need to be off, S'later,"

_**Home**_

_**2.**__**30pm**_

Didn't find Dave. He is obviously trying to display glaciousity and avoid me.

_**2 minutes later**_

I would phone him to find out where he is, but I have too much pridnosity.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phoning Dave.

"Hello?" the voice said. It wasn't Dave's voice. It was quite possibly a Vati-type voice.

I said, "Hi, can I speak to Dave, its Georgia,"

"Who?"

Merde. Why couldn't he just call Dave down?

I sighed, "Just tell him it is his stalker and he'll know what I mean,"

"DAVE! Phone for you…stalker,"

Dave came onto the phone, "Hello, Kittykat. How's it grooving?"

"Like two grooving things at a groovathon,"

"Nice to hear it. So, Sex Kitty, I see you are starting to take your stalking duties seriously?"

"Well, that is the problem…how can I stalk you if I don't know where you are?"

Dave said, "Well, isn't that what the point is? You've got to find me,"

I said, "Well, I've found you. You are in your house. I can hardly barge into your house can I?"

"You wouldn't want to at the moment. It is mayhem at Bedlam. Nash found a frog in the garden and wanted to keep it as a pet. But it jumped out of his hands and dived underneath the fridge. The Kitchen's gone mad and everyone is scrambling around like loons looking for it. Apart from Imogen who is standing on the table screaming,"

I said, "Sounds like something that would happen at our house,"

Dave said, "I am going to escape under all the chaos anyway. I am supposed to be under house arrest because of the suspension-situation type fandango,"

I said, "Well, where are you going?"

Dave said, "You must use the PANTS to find the way,"

"Dave,"

"Well, I can't tell you…but I can give you a hunch,"

"A hunch?"

"Yes, a hunch,"

"Then tell me your hunch then,"

"Well, it is just a hunch of course but I might be meeting the guys from school. I have a hunch that they will be coming out at normal time. And I have a hunch that normal time is about 3.30pm,"

"So you want me to meet you at 3.30pm outside the school?"

"Of course not, Miss Stalker. It is a hunch,"

"Oh, yes, right, so you might be outside the school at 3.30pm?"

"It's just a hunch of course,"

"And you'll deffo be there?"

"Just a hunch, nothing more,"

_**Outside the Centre of Bordomosity**_

_**3.30pm**_

Dave isn't here. Typico.

_**2 minutes later**_

Found Rosie and Jazzy-Spazzy though. They were waiting for the rest of the Ace Gang and the boys.

Rosie said when she saw me, "Forsooth and lack a day, it is the little scape-watsit,"

I said, "Ode to ye Ro-Ro,"

Jas said, "Well, what's going on with you and Dave now?"

Rosie said, "Yeah, missus, will I need the beard?"

I said, "Well, the thing is-"

But I never got round to telling them because the school doors opened and the boys came charging out. It was like a stampede. You could practically feel the ground shake. We were being tossed around like little pebbles as they ran past us.

Rosie was shouting, "Saveth ye selves! Saveth ye selves! Lack, you be crushed by the tide-us,"

Eventually as the boys stopped stampeding like a load of buffalo, Jools, Rollo, Dec, Ellen, Mabs, Edward and Tom came drifting up to us. Ellen was virtually hanging off Dec's neck. She has no pridnosity. Still, it is nice for her to have a proper boyfriend. Even if it is one who thinks stammering is cute.

Tom said, after practically being eaten by Jas, "Ah, so here is Ms. Get-us-all-into-trouble,"

I said, "Well, yeah, I'm sorry about that, at least you only had a day,"

Tom said, "Yes, and I am also in detention for a billion years,"

Jas said, "I know, I'm in so much trouble because of her,"

But Tom smiled so I am in the blue.

_**3.45pm**_

Walking back. Once again, me and Rosie were goose-gogs extraordinaire. Why the happy couples have to snog constantly, I will not know. That's all they do at school. I swear in Monday's Maths Dec and Ellen had the text book in front of there faces a bit too long.

Rosie said, "So what is up with you and Dave then?"

Suddenly all the snoggers were as agog as two gogs. They even stopped snogging.

I wasn't quite sure what to say in front of his mates so I said, "Oh, well, you know,"

I had turned into Ellen.

Rollo said, "Actually we don't know. All we know is that you to had a huge tiff,"

I said, "Well…err…it's not really your business,"

Rollo said, "Of course it is. Now tell us-"

And then we heard a "Hello! Groovesters!". It was Dave the Laugh. Rollo went silent.

Dave came and joined us. It all went strangely quiet.

Dave said, "Oh dear. Silence. What makes me think you've been talking about me? I am flattered, of course. It must be hard not to talk about some one as gorgy as me. But I am afraid, especially you, boys, I am simply not interested. I do not swing that way,"

Dec said, "Oh shut up," he pointed at me, "We are silent because we're worried that you and her are going to start arguing!"

Dave laughed, "What ever made you think that?"

Dec said, "The fact you were shouting at her for all England on Tuesday!"

I said, "Well, it's sorted now,"

Everyone looked at us.

Dave said, "Yes, we have decided we are doing some sort of a swapsie-role change watsit. If Georgia decides to take her duties seriously,"

I said to Dave, "Well I am trying, Kittykat,"

Dave looked a bit phased, "Kittykat? No. That is going too far,"

_**5 minutes later**_

When we got to the parting bit, me and Dave said S'later to the others.

I said, "Why didn't you show when you said you would?"

He said, "I did say it was just a hunch,"

I said, "You told me you would be there. You practically stood me up,"

Dave looked a bit sorry. He said, "I'm sorry, Kittykat. It just took me longer to get out the house than I thought. The Loony Patrol had hidden all the front door keys. I found them though. I don't know why they thought I wouldn't find them in the biscuit tin. Although, I don't know why they put them in there in the first place,"

It was quite nice walking along with him. We were holding hands. Is this what he meant by stalking him? If it is, it is quite nice. I don't know why he won't just go out with me though. I mean, we are sort of going out. Even the vair, vair dim cannot think otherwise. We have the specific horn and we are free to let our red bottomosity run ad-hoc towards each other. He just won't let it be official.

Then he caught my other hand so we were facing each other.

He said, "So, Kittykat. This is about the right time when you snog me to an inch of my life,"

I said, "Me snog you?"

He said, "Yes, of course. You didn't think it would be the other way around, did you? Miss Stalker. You snog me, my job is to be a vegetable,"

Of course I had more pridnosity than to snog him when he asked. So that is why I gave him a full frontal 6, 6 ¼, 6 ½ and 6 ¾. He went sort-of limp against me. Ha! I am the Queen of Snogging and all the trimmings. It is experience, I guess, with my exotic past of Sex Gods and Luuurve Gods. I am practically a luuurve goddess. I did the little sucky kisses from the base of the neck upwards, like the former SG did when we went out. When I kissed him underneath his ear, he did the moany-thing and kind-of collapsed onto my shoulder.

"Um…Dave?"

"Just…give me a moment,"

Hahahaha. I made him go jelloid! Me, Georgia Nicolson, made Dave the Laugh go jelloid. I truly am a Sex Kitty of first water.

Then he said, still nuzzled into my shoulder, "Phoar,"

I couldn't help smirking, "You liked that, then?"

He said, "I can barely stand. Does that answer your question?"

I said, "So, you still don't want to be my official snogging partner?"

"If this stalking fiasco means I get lip…neck…ear service like that then I'm staying like this. Blimey, Georgia, if you carry on like that, I am going to develop a piece of jelly for a brain,"

I said, "Cheeky Cat!! If you let me snog you all the time like that, you will forget how to snog,"

Then he lifted up his head and looked me in the eyes, "What? Afraid I'll forget how to _nip libble_?"

How in the name of Giddy God's Pyjamas does he know about that?!

I said, "How in the name of Giddy God's Pyjamas do you know about that?!"

"Jas told Tom who told us. I must say it kept us amused for hours. You are an accidental comedy genius,"

"Jas told you?!"

"She also told us about your nip-nip emergency in the rain,"

Radio Jas must be shot.

And Dave said, "She tells us all sorts. She told us about your nuddy-pants photo shoot in Hamburger-a-go-go land,"

I said, turning beetroot, "You haven't seen them have you?!"

Dave said, "Sadly not. Can I?"

I just looked at him.

"If you ever tell anyone any of that I'll…I'll, I'll snog you until you are stuck in the Twilight land of the vair, vair hopelessly insane," I threatened, "And you'll have the proverbial permanent stupid brain and be stuck in a loony home for the rest of your life,"

Dave said, after a pause, "Sounds utterly scrumptious,"

_**5 minutes later**_

Dave walked with me to the bottom of my road.

He said, "Ah. The Parting of Ways," and he gave me a little kiss on my cheek. My lips sort of puckered up expectantly.

Dave noticed and put his finger on them, "Slow down, Tiger! As much as I would like to be the humble snoggee, I still need to walk home,"

Cheeky cat.

Then he said, looking at me, "Oh, bugger the glaciousity approach,"

And he gave me a quick number five.

"S'later, Kittykat!"

And I watched him walk off out the street. Blimey.

* * *

**Sorry these chapters are a bit shorter than the last few in Gird. It's hard to lengthen until you have all the drama as the plot develops. **

**But anyway, thank you mucho for your reviews for my first chappy.**

**Oh, yes, by the by, don't misinterpret the Robbie watsit. He's not going to steal Gee from Dave or anything. It was just something to write. **

**So, tada!!**


	4. The Language of Kärlek

**Went and saw Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (Or Angus, ****Pantaloons and Spiffing Kissing as me and my sister were calling it when we were being posh). I am quite disappointed actually. They slaughtered it. And to think how desperado we were to see it, we went up yesterday and it was all sold out. Hmp**

**Hi ****Kyramy, please keep reviewing, I know that you probably are getting a bit tired of reviewing now but I luuurve your reviews, in fact I luuurve reviews full stop, I won't threaten stopping writing because I can't do that because that is a)meany and b)fanfics are my life. But plllllleeeease keep reviewing. And everyone else. You don't know how happy they make me. :)**

**Sorry, bouts that, I feel a bit of a greedy nag asking, lol.**

* * *

**The Language of **_**Kärlek**_

_**Friday June 13**__**th**_

_**9.00am**_

I officially hate my parents.

_**2 minutes later**_

Honestly, you would think I am Libby's age the way they act. They came back before me and went absolutely ballisiticisimus because I had gone out. Just because their life ended in the Stone Age doesn't mean that I am not allowed one. They are so full of selfishiosity.

_**3 minutes later**_

Anyway, the nub and gist of it is that I am on house arrest. With knobs. With a 24/7 guard. Honestly, it is like borstal.

_**4 minutes later**_

And the worst thing is they are bringing Uncle Eddie over.

_**1 minute later**_

Uncle Eddie.

_**5 minutes later**_

I might as well die now.

_**2 minutes later**_

Well, after all, it is Friday the thirteenth.

_**10.30am**_

Mutti came mutti-ing into my room, tossing her nungas around with unheeding abandon. She should come with her own safety precaution.

She said, "Come on, stop lazing about, Uncle Eddie is coming in a minute,"

I said, "He always barges into my room anyway, so what is the point in going downstairs?"

She said, "Don't be so bloody cheeky! Anyway, just because you are suspended it doesn't mean you can be all lax,"

_**11.00am**_

Mutti has got me running around cleaning up the house like a little elf. I could not believe it. It is unbelievable that is why.

_**5 minutes later**_

I am like slavey girl.

_**3 minutes later**_

Mutti said it will teach me for treating this house like a hotel, and going in and out willy nilly.

_**4 minutes later**_

Which is hypocritical for someone is always out doing aerobics or salsa dancing.

_**6 minutes later**_

But that is so called adults for you. They have a go at the teenager misbehaving but do they actually behave themselves? No. I don't think Mutti even knows what a grocery store is.

Nothing green has been in our fridge for centauries.

_**4 minutes later**_

Apart from moss.

_**5 minutes later**_

Merde. Uncle Eddie is trying to be all interested in me. I was just minding my own business hoovering (yes, we do have a hoover, amazingly) and he said, "How's school,"

I said, "Stalag 14? It burnt down,"

He said, "Is that why you are suspended?"

Honestly! Adults have no trust.

I said, "I didn't burn it down!"

And he nodded and went out to polish his head or something.

_**11.45am**_

Oh dear, the Loon Patrol returns.

Uncle Eddie said, "So, have you got a boyfriend?"

How dare he ask that? I put on my digniosity personified face and ignorez-voused him.

Uncle Eddie said, "I've had plenty of girlfriends since I became a Baldy-o-Gram. I am a Sex Symbol. The ladies can't get enough of me,"

Erlack a Pongoes! My ears feel like prostitutes! Erlack, Erlack.

Then the Mad Bald One said, "Would you like to see my act?"

No, no and thrice no!

_**Midday**_

Kill me now.

I am being forced to watch my Uncle (who, as we all know, is as bald as a coot. Two coots in fact) show me his act as a laugh-o-gram. Erlack, Erlack. Baldy Porn. I feel abused and dirty. What sort of family allows me to witness this? It could scar someone as sensitive and artistic as _moi_ for life. It is the sort of thing that will cost me millions in counselling in later life.

I may call Esther Rantzen's childline yet. Even though I might get Esther. _O quel dommage!_

_**6 minutes later**_

Luckily Uncle Eddie's performance was interrupted before he could take his trousers off. I think he is taking his duties as a jail guard quite seriously. He has decided to torture me as well.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was saved from being put off men for life and becoming a high flying executive lesbian by the door bell ringing. I dashed to answer it like two short dashing things on dash tablets.

It was Mr. Next Door. With Cross Eyed Gordy in a sack.

I said pleasantly, "Hello, nice day isn't it?"

He said, unpleasantly, "Don't 'nice day' me! I have your bloody cat here! I don't see why you keep them alive! They should be put down! They are both bloody murderous beasts!"

Not nice at all.

_**1 minute**__** later**_

The nub and gist of it is that Gordy had somehow managed to tear a bird house off a tree that Mr. and Mrs. Next Door hung up. And then he ate all the baby birds inside.

As I said to Mr. Next, "I don't know why you encourage birds into your garden. You are practically murders yourselves; you know what lives next door,"

He said, "You should keep those beasts under control. They shouldn't be allowed to see the light of day,"

I said, "They can't help it, it their Scottish wild streak and-"

That's when Uncle Eddie came in behind me. Minding you that he was topless and wearing his feathery stripping gear. I thought Mr. Next Door's bottom was going to shoot off.

Hopefully he'll thing I am being subjected to some incestuous sexual torture and phone social services.

_**2 minutes later**_

When we let Cross Eyed Gordy free from the sack, Angus playing biffed him over the head. He is a proud Vati. He taught Gordy everything he knows. Including laying waste to the population of small furry things.

_**6 minutes later**_

Uncle Eddie said, "Would you like me to carry on doing my act?"

I ran up to my room and shoved my chest of drawers in front of my door.

_**1.00pm**_

I cannot believe Uncle Eddie asked me whether I had a boyfriend. Adults still manage to amaze me with their nosynosity.

_**5 minutes later**_

Do I have a boyfriend?

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh is being a bit confusing. I wish he would stop playing this silly little stalking game and go out with me. That's what he wanted. That's what I want.

_**4 minutes later**_

Next time I see him I'll have to snog him to an inch of his life and then ask him.

_**6 minutes later**_

Next time I see him meaning next time I escape this prison.

_**2 minutes later**_

And I'll probably be a nervy wreck by the time I do. Uncle Eddie is singing 'You can leave your hat on' outside my door.

_**3 minutes later**_

I can't believe I made Dave the Laugh go jelloid! I am the most fabbity-fabbiest snogger on legs.

Boys never go jelloid and that is _le _fact! They have to stay all coolio. But I made Dave get the old Jelloid knickers. Or Jelloid Trousers as it will be called for him. Hahahaha,

_**6 minutes later**_

I've never made a boy go Jelloid before. But then again I've never snogged a boy before. Well, obviously I've snogged a boy. Lots of boys. In my days as a nymphowatsit. No, my nub is that I am always the snoggee. Never the snogger. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

_**4 minutes later**_

What did he mean, 'bugger the glaciousity approach'? Was all that his idea of glaciousity?

_**5 minutes later**_

I can't believe Jas told him about nip libbling. And the nip nip incident. And the nuddy pants photos. She must be eaten.

_**3.45pm**_

Phone Rang. I darted downstairs encase it was a certain Laugh and I didn't want the Bald one to start singing stripping songs to him. Because he might be enticed into the way of the Laugh-O-Gram yet.

It was the Ace Gang calling from a phone box.

Rosie said, "Hello, missus, we've got a new rendition of the phone box dance. It is called Phone Box the Remix. Would you like to hear it?"

I was about to say no but they started thudding around like loons anyway. I could here some wooping and whistling in the background. I don't know what they ate for school dinners but it is not normal.

Then Mabs came on the phone, all breathless from dancing, "We are having an Ace Gang meeting at Luigi's at five,"

I said, "Well, that may be a bit of a problem as I am under severe house arrest,"

Then Ro-Ro came back on, "Listen, missus, we have a lot of interrogation to do. I have brought my beard and pipe. So you will be down here five sharp. Pip, pip,"

And she hung up.

Good Grief.

_**4.30pm**_

Now how to escape the Baldy-O-Gram…

_**4.45pm**_

I hid Uncle Eddie's feather codpiece and made a desperate break for freedom when he went to look for it.

_**5.00pm**_

Met the Ace Gang at Luigi's. It was too hot to have a cappuccino (Praise be Lord Sandra!) so we had something called a Frappuchino instead. Jools said all the top models drink them. They just taste half way between cream and ice cream. But thankfully they come with a straw so there is no risk of a moustache incident.

I said, "So what is this meeting about?"

Rosie said, "It is vis-à-vis you and Dave the _Skratt _as our Reindeer-type chums would say,"

Mabs said, "Has Sven been teaching you Swedish?"

Rosie said, putting on her beard, "_Ja,_ a Viking bride must learn the language of luuurve or _Kärlek_, as I must learn to call it,"

Jools said, "So, spill, what in the name of PANTS is happening with you and our laughing pal?"

I said, "I can't say,"

Mabs said, "Yes you can. We are the Ace Gang. One for all and all for one,"

I said, "No because whatever I say might get relayed back to Dave the L, via Radio Jas,"

Jas instantly went huffy, "I don't relay stuff to Dave,"

I said, "So how does he know about my nip nip emergency? And the nuddy pants photos? And nip libbling?"

Jools said, "Nip Libbling?!"

Oh, buggeration.

Ellen said, "Does she, mean, um, like you know, when he, err, nibbles, you know, not eats or anything, your lips, like or what?"

We just looked at her.

Mabs said, "Are you going to tell us then? Let your luuurve romps with Dave the Laugh be free?"

I said, "Luuurve Romps?"

Then Rosie leaned across the table so she was about two centimetres from me (Freaky Potatoes). She said, "Let me rephrase that. Are you and Dave official snogging partners?"

Every one looked at me. Like seeing-ear dogs. What am I? A looking at person?

And then I said, "I don't know,"

They were as agog as two gogs. In skirts.

Jas said, "Do you mean that you couldn't smash his egg open like you said you were going to?"

Everyone looked at her like she was mad. Which she is.

Mabs said, "What did he mean a swapsie-role change watsit?"

Ellen said, "And, err, why did you, like, call him, you know, Kittykat? That is, um, what he calls you, isn't it?"

Jools said, "What duties was he talking about?"

They all were looking at me. Rosie had got out her pipe. Blimey O'Reily's trousers.

So I decided to take the Bull by the Horns and said, "Stalking duties. He asked me to stalk him,"

They virtually wet themselves laughing. What?

Jools said, "You are stalking him? Are you officially mad?"

Ellen said, "Why are you, um, like, stalking him? You have, like, going out with, you know, Masimo? Or aren't you?"

I said, "After Dave had a nervy B at me in the corridor and spaz attack at me in the street, I realised that maybe I did have the horn for him. Specific, like,"

Rosie nodded in what she thought (wrongly) was a wise look, "Yes, and you also said that he was the best snog you'd ever had, when we were in the trees,"

Jools said, "The best snog?"

Jas said, "Yes. As I said in the tent after she ate him, they have been snogging behind everyone's backs for ages,"

Thank you, Radio Jas.

Ellen said, "Even, when, like I err me and you know, him, um,"

I said quickly, "Yes, but anyway, when Masimo came back I dumped him,"

The Ace Gang did their (brilliant) impression of some goldfish.

Mabs said, "You dumped Masimo? The Italian Stallion? The Luuurve God? Who is sexicosity personified? Are you bonkers?"

I said, "I like Dave more. In the morning and marched around his house to tell him,"

Jools said, "Ooooh, what did he say?"

I said, "He was asleep. One in the afternoon,"

Rosie said, "Lazy minx,"

I said, "But I woke him up, and after a minor spaz attack and major run-in with his Resident Loons- and by the way his sister is vair, vair scary- I told him that I luuurved him,"

The Ace Gang said, "Aaaaaaaaw,"

I felt quite free and wild. It was relief. But I didn't feel as free and wild as to dance around in my nuddy pants again. Because I would be arrested. But that is fascists for you.

In fact it was the crème de crème wierdosity-wise telling being all open and ad-hoc about Mr. Laugh.

I said, "But he started up this stalking nonsense. He said he was sick of chasing me and I can chase him,"

Rosie, luuurve guru said, "Quite understandable, _moi petite_ luuurve sick-one, poor old Dave has been hankering after you for ages,"

"Hankering?" What planet is she from? Who says hankering any more? Apart from Slim?

Rosie nodded in a serious way. But it is hard to take someone wearing a beard and flat hat seriously.

Jas said, "Yes, Tom says that Dave has really liked you for ages. Because Dave tells him stuff. Because Tom said that they have been mates since they were about six. So Tom knows all this. He said sometimes you really upset him,"

I said, "Well if he bothered to tell me any of this then I could have sorted it out ages ago!"

Jas said, "No you wouldn't have. Because you are so selfish and lax and ignorant and-"

I shoved a napkin in her mouth to shut her up. She immediately jumped onto the huff mobile.

Then Jools said, "How is the stalking-situation type fandango going then?"

I said, "Well, I snogged him yesterday and made him go jelloid. He had to lean on my shoulder,"

And then they all started laughing like loons.

I said, "What?"

And Mabs said, "Do you know what can happen when a boy goes jelloid?!"

And Rosie said, "Oh let her be. Let her figure out the mystery of Trouser Snakes by herself,"

And they all went back to giggling like immature twits. Which they are.

What does Rosie mean the mystery of Trouser Snakes? Is it something I have not learnt not having a serious boyfriend-type person?"

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh my Giddy God. They can't mean that.

Can they?

_**30 seconds later**_

I am not going to be able to look Dave the Laugh in the eye now.

_**3 minutes later**_

Anyway, the nub and gist of the meeting is that the Ace Gang are going to help me stalk Dave tomorrow. Properly. All French resistance in black. Because they are my bestest chummy wummies.

Look out, Mr. Laugh, the Ace Gang rides again!

* * *

**Again, I apologisey for the shorty chapter. I am being cruelly dragged away for a week by my olds on the torture they call holiday. To Pfelli (I have no idea how to spell it, it is welsh and that speaks for it's self). To stay with my step ****Nan and gramps. It is five mins a way from a beach. Which is all well and good apart from a) I hate beaches and b) no tinternet. I don't know how I am going to survive…well, it starts with nicking my Dad's laptop…**


	5. Death By Snogging

**I have a laptop. But no internet acess.**

* * *

**Death by Snogging**

_**Saturday 14**__**th**__** July**_

_**7.00am**_

Hahaha. I am fabbiosity personified.

The Elderly Loons are all red faced and keen about me being not having a life or being grounded as they call it. But they can't stop me going out if they are in bed. Snoring like Giant Slugs. So all I had to do was sneak out at ridiculous hours of the morning and voila!

_**2 minutes later**_

The only fly in the ointment is that I had to wake up at the crack of dawn. I probably have big black bags around my eyes. Bags down to my knees.

_**30 seconds later**_

Like Knee bags. But obviously I don't put my knees in them- shutupshutupshutup.

_**2 minutes later**_

Seeing as it is the crack of dawn I will go visit my besty chummy wummy Jazzy Spazzy until it is time for the stalking fiesta. And also there are sane people walking the streets. Rather than dog walkers.

_**3 minutes later**_

She's a lark type person anyway so she'll deffo be up.

_**10 minutes later**_

Typico. The House of Biggeth-Knickus-Knackus are all asleep(us).

_**8 minutes later**_

After a lot of door bell ringing and shouting I managed to wake up Jas.

Jas opened the door and said, "Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep!"

I said, "I know you luuurve me really, Jas,"

And she said, "Don't start this lezzie business again,"

But she let me in and made me brekkie.

_**10**__** minutes later**_

Jas is a marvy cook, it has to be said.

But then she has a normal family.

Her mutti said, "Just going out for a ramble, left a tenner by the fire place for you, bye love,"

Wow! That is proper parenting.

_**9.00am**_

The Ace Gang came around. They were all yawing like two short yawing things. Not vair, vair ready for stalking mood.

_**10 minutes later**_

Blasted some music. Really loud. We did some Viking Bison Inferno Disco Dancing to it. That woke us all up.

_**6 minutes later**_

We are all dressed in black, black and a hint of black. _Trés Français_ Resistance.

It is beyond the Valley of the vair, vair weird being able to talk freely, heeding the call of the Scottish Highlands about Dave to the Ace Gang. But I will have to get used to it, if I am going to be his proper girly-type friend.

Eventually.

_**10.00am**_

And we are off! The Girls are back in town, the girls are back in town.

Mabs said, "So are you and Dave going to be proper Horn Partners?"

Me and Dave. Dave and Me. Georgia Nicolson and Dave the Laugh. It has a nice ring to it.

I said, "Yes,"

Rosie said, "Say it proudly, ungirded and brimming with the power of a hundred PANTS,"

I shouted, "Yes, yes and thrice yes!"

And we did a bit of the ye olde Let's go Down to the Disco. We are a bit hysterical.

_**5 minutes later**_

_**In a bush**_

We are hiding out side Dave's house. In a bush. Like voles. Or badgers.

Jas said, "So what now?"

I said, "We wait,"

_**Half an hour later**_

Still waiting.

_**5 minutes later**_

Still waiting.

At least we are brimming with Wisdomosity (no, Rosie has left her beard behind, Praise be Lord Sandra!) so we can pass by the time talking about interesting and intellectual stuff. Such as lip gloss. And snogging.

Mabs said, "Edward said that he likes Candy flavour lip gloss on me best,"

Jools said, "I think that Rollo likes this Vanilla flavoured one I've got best, he hasn't said anything but he snogs me really passionately, like, when I'm wearing it,"

Rosie said, "Sven likes my fish flavoured lip gloss best. It has haddock extracts,"

We just looked at her.

Jas said, predictably, "Hunky says that he likes it best when I'm not wearing any lip gloss, so I am all natural,"

Ellen said, "Dec said that, err, he likes, you know, um whatever I wear, or have on, because, like, um, he says that it's, like, you know, the snog that matters,"

Aaaaaw.

Then Mabs said, "What about you Gee? Have your accidental-snogs-behind-everyone's-backs told you what Lippie Dave likes?"

I told them about the lip gloss guinea pig fandango.

Jools said, "I knew it! I knew it! I knew that he wasn't looking for something! I knew it!"

I thought she was going to carry on telling me that she knew it for the next billion years but the front door of the House of Laugh opened so she had to shut up.

It was Imogen. Typico.

Good Grief. I didn't know they made stilettos that high.

Mabs said, "Are you sure Dave is still inside? What about if he's gone out?"

I said, "I don't think he'd wake up so early,"

And then Rosie whistled, "Witt woo," and pointed to a window upstairs. The curtains were half open and it was Dave's room. And we could see Dave the Laugh getting changed. Oo-er.

Jools said, "He is actually quite groovy looking, isn't he?"

I think even Ellen had a relapse because she said, "He is, um, like a bit gorgey isn't he? I mean, you know,"

Yes, Dither Queen. I know. And he is all miney mine. Phoariocious.

_**10 minutes later**_

The front door finally opened again and Dave the Laugh came strolling out.

I said, "Finally. Girls get your skates on,"

Then a voice from inside his house yelled, "Oy! Where do you think you're going?!" It was a Vati-type voice. _Merde_.

Dave shouted back into the house, "Out, "

Dave's Vati said, "No, you are not. You are grounded because of the suspension. We should have done something when you set your hand on fire that other time!"

And after much rambling and shouting about useless Vati-things, he appeared at the door and dragged Dave back inside. I could here Dave saying, "You cannot keep me inside. It is not fair. In fact it is incredibly unfair. It is imprisonment. I cannot and will not be kept inside,"

_**5 minutes later**_

Turns out Dave was right that he cannot be kept inside. Because next thing we knew he had climbed out of his bedroom window and slid down some guttering on the way. It was a _trés_ coolio escape. Well, ok, he did fall half way and land botty first in some shrubbery but it was still a _trés_ coolio escape. And he walked off down the street like casualosity personified. Which he is.

_**1 minute later**_

Even if he had got bits of leaf and shrub in his hair.

_**30 seconds later**_

And walking like he'd broken his bottom.

_**10 minutes later**_

We followed Dave the Laugh down the streets. Like the stalkers extraordinairibuses. It reminded me of the happy days last year when I was stalking the Sex God and had red bottomosity for one and the specific horn.

_**6 minutes later**_

Oh _trés amusante_ and _sehr, sehr lustig_!

We were following Dave and he had got out a music-type player watsit and was listening to it with head phones. That is not the funny part. It is full of normalosity. The funny part was when he started doing ad-hoc mad dancing! In the middle of the street! And there wasn't anyone else so he thought he was alone. But he wasn't, we were watching him!

We had a complete laughing spaz. I am surprised he didn't hear us.

_**1 minute later**_

He is still dancing. We are laughing like loons on loon tablets. Apart from old fringey, who is laughing like a vole. Because she is one.

_**2 minutes later**_

It must be nice to be a boy and feel free and wild and not have to worry about what people think of you.

_**1 minute**__** later**_

He has stopped so we can breathe normally. Ish.

_**Town**_

_**9 minutes later**_

I must say, other than watching his free and wild mad dancing-type outburst, it is quite boring stalking him. Even if he is a laugh. At the moment he's just mooching through town. Doesn't he have anything interesting to do? Other than gawp at trainers in shop windows? I thought it was supposed to be girls who were obsessed with shoes and shopping. I bet under their macho façade boys are just as bad as us.

_**15 minutes later**_

Ah, this is more like it. Dave went into the park and his mates were hanging out underneath a tree. It was hot so they were being all lax and in the shade. We hid in a bush on the other side of the tree. It was perfecto in the extreme. We were literally inches away from them and they didn't suspect a thing. We are indeedio the stalking sensations of Billy Shakespeare Land. In black. Yessss.

Dec said, as Dave walked over, "Hello, Sir. Pinkyhair, we are just having a brilliant conversation in which Tom is slowly torturing us with tales of the vole,"

Dave said, sitting down, "Ah, of course, ramble on Voleman,"

Tom said, bearing an uncanny watsit to his girly-type friend huff-wise, "Well, if I'm boring you that much, I can just stop!"

Dave said, "Nonsense, Tommy Boy, we luuurve your tales of the vole. We are kept on the edge of our seats when you tell us about you latest finds. Almost as much as when you say you've found some cuckoo sets and badger spit,"

Tom said, "Don't you mean Badger Sets and Cuckoo Spit?"

Dave said, "That is what I said,"

"No, you didn't,"

"Yes, I did,"

"You didn't,"

"Did,"

"Didn't,"

Dave said, "Let's agree to disagree,"

There was a bit of silence and then Dec said, "You did actually get it wrong,"

Dave just said, "What are you? The Twig Patrol??"

Dec said, "No, I am saying it in my capacity of a humble by stander,"

Rollo said, "Can we please just drop this? Does anyone want to see this video I have on my phone of my cousin trying and failing hilariously to vault a brick wall?" and he took out his phone. The rest of the boys sighed ironically.

Tom said, "We know you have a phone, Rollo, you don't need to keep whipping it out every five seconds,"

Dec said, "Yes, put it away, mate, we all know you've got one,"

Dave said, "Oo-er!"

Rollo just looked at him then said, "Yes…well, you are all just jealous. Does anyone want a game of footie, instead then?"

Dave said, lying down on the grass "Nah. It's too hot. And the heat will make the football explode,"

Dec said, "The ball explode?"

"Yes,"

Rollo said, "What the hell are you on about? You are talking rubbish,"

"No I am not. I am actually being clever and scientific,"

Edward said, "You. Scientific? You were the one who got the lowest marks in Chems. What was it? 17 out of 50?"

"Actually it was 18,"

Rollo said, "Well, it still means you are as thick as brick when it comes to science,"

Dave said, "The marks are only low because Mr. Martins hates me since the Meths incident,"

Rollo said, "And when you chucked the entire pot of potasium into the water. And the tank exploded,"

Dec said, "And in the motor experiment when you turned the Volt meter up to maximum and the wire sent sparks flying everywhere,"

Edward said, "And when you accidentally set the blinds on fire with the Bunsen burner,"

Tom said, "And I still don't get how you managed to make that dead frog explode in Blodge,"

Dave said, "Just because I am imaginative,"

There was a bit of silence while his mates were deciding whether to argue back or not.

I whispered to Jools, "He is quite coolio and rebelish isn't he?"

And she didn't answer. She was too busy staring at Rollo. Because he wasn't wearing a top or anything because of the heat. She has no pridnosity. You could practically see her drooling.

_**5 minutes later**_

Dec was doodling on his arm in permanent marker. Dave looked at him from his lying down position and then said, "What are you doing?"

Edward said, "He has decided his true calling in life is a tattoo artist,"

Dave said, "With a permanent marker?"

Dec stuck his tongue out, "I am imaginative too,"

Tom said, "I did tell him he'd get blood poisoning. But he didn't listen. He's going to look like Tattooed-Annie,"

Rollo said, "We have also been his first customers," and he showed them his arm. It was covered in silly black doodles.

Dave said, "Give me one," and held up his arm.

Dec started doodling on Dave's forearm. I've said it once, and I've said it again. Boys are mad.

Rollo said, "You missed a Fisticuffs at Dawn yesterday, at school,"

Dave said, "Oh? Who was it between? Was it Mark Big Gob and Whats-his-face…Trev the Troll? I heard Mark threatening to bin him a week ago. I think they are arguing over who has the biggest mouth,"

Rollo said, "Nah. It never happened. You know Mark never picks on anyone one-on-one who is more than half the size of him. It was Spotty Norman and Phil the Nerd,"

Edward said, "Over Nauseating P. Green,"

Dave said, "I missed it?! Do you think I could persuade them to have a rematch-OW!! What was that for?!"

Dec had punched Dave on the arm. It had sounded quite violent actually.

Dec said, in a matter-of-factly type way, "If you punch the ink after you have drawn it, it stays on longer. It makes the ink sink into the skin more,"

I take it back. Boys aren't mad. They are Double Mad with knobs. Oo-er.

Dave said, rubbing his arm, "Excuses. You just wanted to punch me. What does it say anyway?"

Dec said, "'Georgia',"

What?

Dave just looked at him.

Dec said, "Because we all know what you are like about her. And don't deny it. Otherwise a duffing up incident may be in order,"

I was suddenly all on attention-wise. And the Ace Gang were. We were as agog as two gogs. In fact, we were as agog as six gogs. Because there are six of us-ShutupShutupShutup.

Rollo said, "Yes, what is going on with you and her? And I want the truth this time. Not some rubbish about a revenge plan,"

Dave who was still lying down said simply, "I am all luuurved up,"

They just looked at him.

Dec said, "Aaaaaaaaw,"

Rollo said, "It is unlike you to say that. You never say that. You always feed us some lies. Are you feeling ok?" and he did the checking-the-forehead-temperature watsit.

Dave said, "It is because I am feeling very criminally insanely happy,"

Dec said, again, "Aaaaaaaaw,"

Rollo said, "Dec, shut up,"

Dec looked at him and then said, "Aaaaaaaaw,"

Rollo wasn't finished with the interrogation, "So is she you girlfriend now?"

I kind of went rigid with anticipationosity. The Ace Gang all looked at me.

Dave said, "Weeeellll, I told her that she has got to do some chasing. Because I was chasing her for ages,"

Rollo said, "I knew it,"

Dave said, "So she is on stalking duties,"

His mates have a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes.

Dave said, innocently, "What?"

Edward said, "In your dreams, mate,"

Rollo said, "Now, think _realistically_,"

Dave said, "That is the truth. She has agreed to it. I am a humble stalkee,"

Rollo said, "But does she know that?"

Dave said, "Yes, because," and he got up and walked around the other side of the tree. Yes, because? What sort of an answer is that? I couldn't see Dave and so just carried on looking at his mates. Jas started nudging me really hard in the ribs. What does Ms. Big Knickers want?

Then Dave's voice said, "Because of this," and some branches were suddenly pulled up above us and the world and his dog could see us. Hiding under the bushes. Which had been ripped off us. Dratty Drat Drat.

I looked up and saw Dave grinning like a loon above us. His mates virtually wet themselves. Idiots.

I said, "How did you know we were there? We were being as quiet as mice. Two mice in fact,"

Dave said, "I know you've been following me since the mad dancing. Because I could hear you laughing like loons in skirts. Did you like my moves?"

I said, "Yes, well, that is very impressive mad dancing. It was the height of madnosity and that is _le_ fact,"

Dave said, "Ah, well, Kittykat, I do my best. By the way, I am luuurving the stalking gear," and he helped pull me out of the bush. The Ace Gang all ran over like idiots to snuggle up to their boyfriends. Who were looking a bit startled, to say the least.

_**6 minutes later**_

It is quite nice being able to sit down, leaning on Dave's Shoulder, not feeling like the Queen of all Goosegogs while all my friends are doing three-guesses-what with their boyfriend. I am not going to say what because I am as sure as two sure things in sure land that you know, but to give you a clue it starts with 's' and ends in 'nogging'. I am surprised that their lips haven't reach Mark Big Gob size yet.

It was quite hot and it was all peaceful and calm. You could little children eating ice creams, dogs stealing them off them and boys darting around like red faced sweaty idiots playing football. It just felt really natural to be with Dave. I couldn't imagine sitting with Robbie or Masimo under a tree. I wonder when we finally are going to be a proper couple? I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to behave now. Everyone knew the me-stalking-Dave situation type fandango. The fact that he was my very, nearly almost boyfriend.

Do I just sit here?

Do I snog him?

Does he snog me?

Then just as I was becoming a vat of nerves Rosie suddenly yodelled. Yodelled. I am not kidding you. She yodelled. Everyone looked at her.

I said, "Ro-Ro, have you gone officially bonkers?"

She said, "I am calling Sven. He always comes when I call,"

I said, "Rosie, Sven is a) not part dog and b) he won't be able to hear you. Even if you did just deafen us,"

Then there was a reply-type yodel. A vair, vair Reindeer-enese yodel. Hell's Bells!

A Sven came dashing through the trees like a mad Danish twit (which he is). He trampled us and scooped Rosie up and carried on running like a loon with her on his back. I don't know what goes on in her mad mind but it must not get embarrassed easily. Especially when being carried on someone's back upside down with her knickers on display for the world to see. On someone's back who is wearing a pink sequinned jump suit.

Good Grief.

_**10 minutes later**_

Me and Dave said 'S'laters' to the rest of the young groovers and headed off on our own. It was a hand holding fiasco again. I don't get him. One minute he acts like we are going out, then the next he acts like we are just matey-type mates again. Why?

I think he just likes the fact that I am 'stalking' him. That I am the one being all keen. I never, ever will understand the mystery that is Boydom.

I said, "When are we going to be Official Snogging Partners then?"

He shrugged, "I quite enjoy this humble stalkee business if Thursday was anything to go by,"

"Cheeky Cat! I will just have to withhold Snogging Benefits until you agree to go out with me,"

Dave said, "Oh, that is just mean. It is supposed to be me withholding stuff anyway. You know, glaciousity and all that jazz,"

I said, "Yes, I need to tell you that your glaciousity approach is incredibly naff and pooey,"

Dave smirked, "Well, you see, I am too _hot_ to be Jack Frost. I would melt myself. And that would not be a pretty sight,"

I said, "From the stuff that you have done in Science, I am surprised you are not already melted,"

Dave said, "Have no fear. I am an ostracised leper when it comes to Chems. I have been banned. Apparently I am too immature to cope with the experiments,"

I said, sarcastically "Never!…So, how _did_ you make that frog explode?"

Dave said, "Well, you see, Rollo had some little cherry bombs. And the rest is history. Especially the frog,"

I said, "You stuck cherry bombs inside a dead frog?"

He said, "I was bored,"

I said, "You stuck cherry bombs inside a dead frog because you were bored?"

He nodded. Blimey.

I said, "That is disgusting. Are you mad?"

He smirked, "Are YOU Mad?"

I said, "No, are YOU mad?"

And he said, "No, are YOU mad?"

And before he could start playing tickly bears with me, I leapt at him like a crazed earwig and started tickling HIM. I just attacked the bit under his ribs and he went all spazoid and spluttery. I was the crème de la crème larks-wise being the tickler. He kept trying to say, "Georgia! Please, stop it! Get off! Get off!" but it all came out as a spluttering, giggling muddle.

And then I snogged him! I was doing the Tickly-Bears-then-number-5 type fandango. I am such a dreadful minx. But it was OK. I was not being red bottomed or wrong snogging Dave the Laugh. I was heeding the call of the specific horn. Fabby! I could stand here snogging the living daylights out of the Laugh with pink hair in public, with no worries about being seen or a certain Italian seeing me. Because me and Dave are together…sort of.

I am not quite sure when in the snog he became in control but I found myself against a wall being nip libbled to an inch of my life. I turned into melted-lip girl. It was marvy. And then, as if my brain hadn't fallen out enough he did number 6 ¾ again! It was brillopads with knobs. I went all jelloid knickers. He was obviously getting his own back for when I made him all Jelloid. Well, he could get his own back all he liked! Phoar! And Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons!

Then he went back to bog standard old number 6. Except it wasn't bog standard. It was vair, vair high standard. It was all pressy-up and passionate. He wasn't doing the varying pressure thing. It was all high-pressure. But I liked it. It was deffo over three minutes. It was a number four times four. The only fly in the ointment was that he wasn't letting me breathe much. Obviously he had to occasionally pull back to breathe himself, otherwise he'd die. Death by snogging-shutupshutupshutup. But he only pulled back for the tiniest millisecond and I didn't get the chance to take in some oxygen. Which, as it happens, is quite necessary for my survival. I felt quite dizzy as well as having the proverbial stupid brain. It was like jelloidosity tripled. Excellent.

When he stopped, I was all gaspy and stupid, trying to catch my breath. He had his hands on the wall either side of my head, just looking at me.

Dave said, "That game is mine,"

I said, "I am supposed to do the chasing. I was only doing my part,"

And he said, very gently doing the nose-nuzzling thing again, "Yes, but I thought you said you were withholding Snogging Benefits. And I need to make sure I don't forget my own skills,"

I said, "Well, next time, could you at least let me breathe?"

And Dave blew into my face. It made me close my eyes. And when I opened them, he had disappeared off. Stupid Dave. He is sooooo irritating.

**Ladiladiladi. Writing this on my dad's laptop on holiday. Went on the beachio today. It gave me a fabby idea for the vair, vair lastio chappio of the threequel after this. Ooooooh, hehhehheh. Now, when will I get to upload this?**** I have no internet access here. Poo. I love writing Dave and Georgia snogging scenes…unless like in Vegs, Rolls and D the L when from chapter 13 onwards it was snog, snog, snog. It gets a wee bit boring when they are not…well… NAUGHTY is the word that I want. I am going to try my hardest to avoid that in this fic. This part of the Gird Series (OOOOOOHHHHH) is the equilibrium, sort of. In the threequel, things REALLY go up shi cree with out a pad. Don't worry, Dave and Gee will survive…just.**

**Ps. I have actually done the permanent ink then punch your arm thing. It stay on your arm for about two weeks but it hurts like BLOODY BILLIO. The flesh is all tender for weeks. But i can't resist drawing on myself...Vinnie2757 can tell you how much I draw on my hands and stuff. **


	6. Floats your boat, Swings your Monkey

**I have been working more on my game of LIAMTT again. I've been making the characters, Dave is sooooo cute. Georgia looks a bit scary. But Dave's person is adorable. ****It's lovely to see my hard work come to something. I love the way his animation walks forwards, it looks like he is skipping. It's so diddy. Aaaaw. I must go look at it again…Hehehehe. It's such a shame it'll always have to be on my computer because of copyright etc…sigh.**

**I've also been working on the last two chapters of this Fanfiction. Just to let you know, when I do the Threequel (and I am most deffo going to) it is going to be called (probably) Back onto the Horns of the Watsit. So if I say Gird or Sky or Horn or the Gird Series (Ooooh, get that!) you know what I am talking about. **

**Oh yes, I am in a state of desperados. Well, not exactly, but I am being a bit 50/50 on something. Well, not 50/50 more 70/30 after consulting with my bestie Vinnie2757 but I still want to know your opinion. Sorry if this is crappily phrased, I don't want to give my plot away but which of these ideas do you like more: That Dave fancied Georgia from the moment he first saw her or that he didn't really see her as anything special until he got to know her?? Basically cheese fest vs. depth. It doesn't majorly affect the plot; it is part of a ramble, but a necessary ramble which can only go one way. I am lenient more towards the depth.**

**Oh dear, my mutti is shouting again. About sawdust. I can't help it if my rats like to make a mess.**

**The swings your monkey comes from something I keep saying. Although once when I was talking to one of my mates, Griff I said 'Whatever floats your monkey'. And he was a bit scared, I like to think.**

* * *

**Floats your boat, Swings your Monkey**

_**Sunday June 15**__**th**_

_**10.00am**_

Mutti has forgotten that I am grounded because she is in desperados to buy milk. Libby used all of ours to bath Angus in. He is vair, vair pingy pongoes now. More than usual.

But because Mutti is a so-called grown up and full of selfishiosity she cannot be bothered to nip down to the shops and buy it herself. Because her friends are coming over. Apparently they are going to be trying out a new face pack recipe.

I said to Mutti, "Mutti, encase you have not noticed, you are not a teenager any more. You stopped being one sixty years ago. Did someone forget to tell you that?"

She said, "I like to be a young mum so I can get down with you girls,"

Get down with us girls. Oh my Giddy Gods Pyjamas! If she starts trying to hang out with me and my mates I will die.

I said, "Mutti, if you dare try and hang out with my mates I will kill you,"

She said, "No, actually I have my eye on that Dave of yours,"

How utterly Horrific! I like to think she is joking. That is what I like to think.

I said, "Mutti, that is horrific. I don't think Dave likes the mature woman,"

Emphasis on mature. Not. I didn't tell her that he'd told me he fancies her. Erlack a Pongoes!

She said, "Go on Gee, we need the milk anyway, we want to fill Libby's paddling pool with it,"

"Are you mad?"

"Cleopatra bathed in milk,"

I said, "No. I am far too busy,"

"Doing what?"

"Moping under House Arrest,"

"I will give you a fiver for spendaroonies,"

"Ok,"

_**Town**_

_**10.30am**_

Popped down to Tesco and brought the milk. Blimey O'Reily's cotton undies. It weighs about the same as a baby elephant. Surely milk shouldn't weigh this much.

I could only just about drag myself to Boots to spend my fiver.

_**Boots**_

_**6 minutes later**_

I went into Boots and Declan and Ellen were in there. Trying on make up. Well obviously Dec wasn't trying on make up. Otherwise if I was Ellen I would dump him. Ellen was trying it on and he was giving her his judgement. It was quite sweet to watch. I am so glad she stopped hanging after Dave the Laugh and got herself a boyfriend.

He was daring her to try on mad Ro Ro-worthy colours. Of course Ellen would dance like a duck if a boy asked her to. She has no pridnosity.

But they were all giggly and happy. They kept kissing as well. Not snogging because that is not the thoughtful thing to do in a shop. They just occasionally pecked lips or cheeks and rubbed noses. It was really cute. They must luuurve each other a lot.

It must be nice to be able to be so out in the open with everything like that.

I said, "Hi Dec and Ellen you grooving groovesters,"

Ellen said, "Oh, hi Gee,"

Did I just hear right but did Ellen just say a proper sentence? It is Typico. The one person who does not mind her stammering (in fact he thinks it is cute) she speaks like a normal human being in front of. And I am not talking about me.

Dec said, "Blimey, Gee, that is a lot of milk you have there," pointing at my shopping bags.

I said, "Yes, it is the selfishiosity of my mutti. They weigh about the same as a baby elephant. But she is far too lax to go to Tesco herself,"

I hung around with Dec and Ellen for a bit while Ellen tried testers out on her arm. Dec didn't seem to mind being dragged around Boots. Maybe he is a Transvestite at heart?

I brought a fabby two-step mascara. You know, with the white end and black end. I accidently spent Mutti's change but I don't think she'd mind too much.

_**5 minutes later**_

Still walking around with Dec and Ellen. Thankfully Dec has offered to carry one of the shopping bags (with the milk in obviously because there would be no point) so I don't need to lug them around. I think he wasn't expecting them to weigh that much. His arm virtually dropped off when he held it. But he is virtually carrying Ellen too. She is hanging off his arm like a divvy arm-candy.

I said, pleasantly, "So, Dec, do you know where I can find a certain Laugh this fine morning?"

He said, "Oh, I called around his this morning. He is still under house arrest,"

I said, "Still? I thought his House Arrest ended today?"

Dec said, "It did, until he snuck out yesterday. When I called he seemed absolutely tuckered. His Elderly Loons have taken grounding him to a whole new level. Poor him. Phone him and you'll see what I mean. And I recommend phoning him. Because I nearly didn't come away alive. Again, phone and you'll see what I mean. Anyway, we better scoot. Me and El are catching a movie,"

Ellen said, "Yes, it was nice seeing you, Gee," and she gave me a hug (!). Lezzy alert! Erlack. She is becoming far too Jazzy Spazzy-ish. She'll start worshipping voles soon.

I hissed to her as she hugged me, "Ellen, stammer like you normally do. He told me that he finds cute,"

She whispered, "Err, what, like?"

"That's the ticket, Ellen, my girl,"

_**2 minutes later**_

And they went off linky-arms into the horizon. I could here Ellen going, "Err, so, err…do you like, you know, want, um, well, I could buy us pop corn…or something,"

It was a bit putty on and fake but it must have worked because Dec snogged her. I cannot believe that he finds stammering attractive. But each to their own, I say. What ever floats his boat and swings his monkey.

I am a really nice person, giving Ellen relationship advice. But I am vair, vair glad that she is happy now. And I don't need to feel bad about snogging Dave when they were official snogging partners.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder what Dec means about Dave's Loons taking grounding him to a whole new level?

And that he nearly didn't come away alive?

_**Home**_

_**11.00am**_

Mutti had all her sad mates over. It was a nightmare of bleach blondiosity and Lycra in the living room. I am not joking. I am being deadly serious.

Mutti said, "Ahhhh, here is my eldest daughter, the apple of my eye!"

Oh dear. Have they been drinking vinto tinto again? Or shoe polish??

One of her sad mates said, "Oh, have you got any goss? What's going down? Like, innit?"

Excuse me?

_**Midday**_

Luckily the fine examples of women (not) disappeared out into the garden, to 'dig some rays' so I could phone Dave.

_**3 minutes later**_

Still ringing. No answer.

_**2 minutes later**_

If he doesn't answer in five seconds, I will put down the phone-

The phone was picked up. Wow! Is he psychic?? Maybe he has a touch of the Mystic Meg about him.

I said, "Dave?"

He said, "It is he in all his glory," He sounded a bit tired. Good Grief.

Then there was a bit of scrambling on his end of the phone and then Nash's voice came on "HELLO! HELLO! GIRLY WIRLY! KISSY KISS KISS SNOGGY SNOGGY SNOG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" and there was a bit more scrambling and the phone being tossed around and Dave came back on.

"Sorry about that, Kittykat. I am being forced against my will and better judgement to babysit-"

And then I heard Nash's voice in the background, "Babysit? Whats is babysit?"

Dave said to him, "Well, you are the baby. I get to sit on you,"

I heard Nash scream like a loon on the other end and some doors slam and then Dave said, "Well, that scared him off. Probably to wreak some havoc somewhere. My Ancients even astonish me being selfish enough to make me babysit. It is just to keep me in the house. They hate the idea of me having a life,"

Blimey. Great minds think alike, "My Elderly Loons are exactly the same,"

He laughed, although he sounded a bit tuckered, "So, Kittykat, what is it that is bothering you? Please say you are planning to drop by and offer entertainment from my traumatic experience languishing in the prison that some may call my house. If I am forced to watch another episode of _Bob the Builder_ I may be forced to do something drastic. Like turn off the TV,"

I said, "You are supposed to be being glaciousiosity personified and mystery-boy and all that,"

He said, "You, Miss Stalker, are supposed jump at any offer of mine to share my company and- Oh, bugger, why has the piddly diddly department flooded? What has the demon child done now? Oh, lovely, he has flushed his rubber duckies down the wazzarium,"

I said, "Sounds like something Libby would do. We must get them to meet,"

Dave said, "You are, quite frankly, and I say this only because I love you, bonkers,"

Yesss. He said 'I love you'!! Again. Blimey, how odd did that feel? Getting excited because Dave said 'I love you'. But I must get used to it.

I said, "Ok, I'll be over in half an hour, will I need to call super nanny?"

Dave said, "Nah, because I doubt the house will be more than a cinder when you arrive- Oh God, Nash is trying to cook himself. Nash! Out of the oven! I do not fancy Roast-Toddly Boy for dinner, you will be too chewy- oh, I will have to go before I collapse from exhaustion. It's a hard life. Pip, pip,"

Gadzooks!

_**10 minutes later**_

Quickly re-applied make up and went out the house. I could hear Mutti and her friends laughing like loons in the garden. What fresh hell?

I had a quick peep at them. They were chasing each other with face packs and cucumbers on their eyes. One had fallen over into a hole Angus dug.

_**1.00pm**_

I arrived outside the House of Laugh. I hope that when the front door is opened I do not get carried away by a typhoon or something, considering Nash has flooded the piddly-diddly department.

I rang the door bell.

Then Dave shouted from inside, "Who is it??"

I said, "Georgia,"

Dave sounded a bit hysterical. He said, "Oh, Georgia, goody, goody! You have come bringing the light of PANTS. Oh Joy unbounded! Go through the side, the front door is booby-trapped. I'll come unbolt the door,"

Booby-trapped? Good Lord.

I went around through the side. He has a type of alley-way watsit on the side of his house, leading to the back garden. There was a wooden door half way down and Dave came around and opened it.

He looked tuckered and tired, "Hi, Kittykat, do you like my new leg extension?"

Nash was clinging to his leg like a clinging limpet-child.

I said, "Ooh, yes, vair, err, Nashly,"

Dave said, "Ah, but how can you like it if you can't see it?"

I gave him my most confused look. What is he on about? I am not blind.

Then Dave said, nodding and widening his eyes like he was talking to the vair, vair dim "He is invisible,"

I said, "Who is?" and he gave me a sort of thankful smile. He had to limp over to the door because of his leg extension. Which was laughing fit to burst.

Dave said, "Oh no, my leg is laughing! I truly am becoming Dave the Laugh,"

I said, "Maybe your leg is poorly?"

Dave said, opening the kitchen door, "I think it is," and he grabbed a roll of kitchen roll and started wrapping it around his leg and Nash like a mad bandage. I thought Nash was having some kind of fit, he was laughing so much.

Nash said, "I ams not invisible now!!"

Dave said, "Nash! Where did you come from??"

I said, "So why is the front door booby-trapped?"

Dave said, "For Imogen's sake. It is a pay back watsit for Nash which I happened to get caught up in. Last night Imogen went on a rampage and stuck some of Nash's super hero toys in the microwave. To melt them. But they didn't melt, they became detached plastic arms and legs instead because the microwave exploded," he pointed to the corner at a fried microwave. Gadzooks.

I said, "Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons,"

Dave said, "It is like living in a war zone sometimes. Would you like to see the booby-trap?"

_**2 minutes later**_

Dave led the way (or limped the way, thanks to his Toddly extension) to the front door where the booby trap was set up. It was actually quite clever, as it happens. On a tall cupboard opposite the door there was a paper with some flour on it and there were some string attaching the paper to door handle.

Dave said, "When she opens the door she'll be hit straight in the face with flour. I am a genius, if I do say so myself,"

I said, "That is vair, vair clever Dave, but it is a tad mean. Flour takes ages to get out of your hair. And I do know that as a fact actually. All she did was explode a microwave and destroy some toys. I have been tempted to do that many times with Libby. Couldn't you have just let Nash eat her lipsticks or something?"

Dave shook his head, "No, I have my own reasons to get my own back. She tried to strangle me to death yesterday. Quite literally,"

I said, "And why did she do that?"

He said, "She is very violent, that is why,"

I raised my eyebrows so he said, "Welllll, I may have accidentally found some blue food colouring in the cupboards. I may have accidentally poured some into her face wash. I may have accidentally forgotten to tell her. And she may have accidentally used it and ended up looking like a Smurf,"

I said, "Accidentally-on-Purpose?"

He said, "Yes. It was hilarious. Although, now she is betraying Smurf-Kind. She is going to go orange rather than blue,"

I just looked at him.

He explained, "She is going for a fake tan-watsit. Although she says she will end up 'lovely and golden' I believe were her exact words. But I think that she will go orange. We have a bet of five squids on it,"

Good Grief.

_**4**__** minutes later**_

Nash refused to let go of Dave's leg. We tried everything; bribery, black mail, torture but he just clinged on like a little Toddly limpet. In the end Dave had to go up the stairs dragging his leg behind him. It is, quite possibly, the most funniest thing I have ever seen.

_**1 minute later**_

Dave is still limping up the stairs. I am laughing like a loon on loon tablets. And so is Nash. Even though his head is being bashed against the step every time Dave moves his left leg forward. I think Nash might have the touch of the Scottish Highlands in him. He seems to not feel pain like Angus. I must ask Dave whether he has any Och-Aye Land-enese Relations.

Nash waited for Dave to limp all the way up the stairs and then let go and ran off downstairs.

I said, "Aren't you going to rush after him save him causing anymore havoc?"

Dave said, "Erm, no. He will happily go and graze in the garden, or whatever he does. I, other hand, am on the verge of a mental breakdown,"

I said, "Oh, dear, you are not going to go all schizophrenic and mad are you?"

"I might,"

_**6 minutes later**_

We went into Dave's Room. It is about as messy as before. I was trying to pick my way through it carefully but Dave just trudged straight through the piles of junk and pretended to collapse on his bed from exhaustion.

I said, "You are so over dramatic, Dave,"

He looked at me and then said, "I am born for the theatre. And talking about that, do you think Stalag 14 will be putting on another production next year? I rather miss prancing around with prop swords and shouting PANTS,"

I said, "I don't know whether it'll be rebuilt in time. It had burnt down, remember? And that is why we intruded your school,"

Dave said, "What larks," and he patted the space on the bed next to him for me to lie down. On his bed. I lay down next to him.

I said to him, "You're room is vair, vair messy. Not that I want you to be like Jazzy Spazzy and have owls in height order on your bed but it is ridiculous. You are quite slobbish,"

Dave said, "Ah, but you love me for it right?"

"You are milking this love thing for all it is worth, aren't you?"

"Yes. Does that include snogging?"

"Yes, but you'll have to try harder than just asking for a snog, I do have some pridnosity,"

"I was not asking, miss stalker, merely inquiring. Don't forget that I have to keep up glaciousity,"

"Of course,"

_**1**__**.30pm**_

Me and Dave were just chatting for ages. It was quite odd not snogging. And then the conversation kind of fizzled out and we stopped talking and just stared at his ceiling. It wasn't awkward. We were both just talking to ourselves inside our heads. I reckon he does that as much as me.

And then he moved and rested his head on my chest. It was quite nice although a bit nunga squashing.

He said, "I can hear your heart,"

Aaaaw.

I said, "Blimey Dave. You were sounding a bit romantico there. Watch it, otherwise you might lose your laugh status,"

He said, "I am having a soppy, lovey-dovey moment. Leave me be,"

Aaaaw

I did the hair stroking thing again. Everything was vair, vair calm. Even the sounds of Nash wreaking destruction in the garden seemed distant. It was really nice to be just with him, not worrying about red bottomosity. Why am I even thinking of red bottomosity? I shall never feel its wrath again. I will live life by the call of the specific horn and be a proper couply-type couple with Dave the Laugh.

When we are a proper couply-type couple. Drat.

I said, "When are we going to stop this stalker business and go out? We are practically going out anyway, why can't it be official?"

He didn't answer. He hadn't fallen asleep had he? I know he was worn-out but this is taking the biscuit.

I said, "Dave, are you asleep?"

He said, "Yes,"

I said, "You are not, you cheeky liar. Did you hear what I said vis-à-vis going out?"

He said, "Yes,"

"Yes you heard it or yes you'd go out with me?"

"Yes I heard it,"

_Merde. _With a healthy helping of poo on top.

I said, "And, what is your answer?"

He went silent again.

"Dave, I know you are not asleep,"

"I am not pretending to sleep. I am having an argument in my head whether to say yes or no,"

Hell's Bells!

"So, you are half way to saying yes?"

"I've always been half way to saying yes,"

"And what are you going to say now?"

"I am going to say-"

"OH MY BLOODY GOD!!"

It sounded like Dave's Mutti had come back. Either she'd seen the state that Nash had got the house into or gone through the front door. Which is booby trapped.

Dave said, "Oh, crap,"

Dave's Mutti yelled, "DAVID! GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!"

Dave said, "You know it is bad when they use the whole name, don't you? Erlack, I hate being called 'David'," but he got up and I followed.

We walked across the landing and then we saw what the commotion was. Dave's Mutti had set off the booby trap and was now covered from head to foot in flour. Like a white ghost. Uh-oh. Dave obviously thought it was an uh-oh situation-type fandango because he tugged us both out of view.

"I know full well you are up there!"

I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. He shrugged and went half way downstairs to face the fireworks. I went with him. I had to try so hard to keep a straight face. She looked ridiculous but it was not the right time for laughing. Even in the House of Laugh. Shut up.

She shouted, "How many times do I need to tell you not to booby trap the front door?"

Dave said, "Well, err, quite a few times actually. It never sinks in,"

"Don't be so cheeky,"

Oh PANTS united. I thought she was a half-decent mumsy mum when she was comforting me when me and Dave had our argument. Seemingly she is not immune to the call of the Insane Mum.

Dave said, "At least I know now the trap works,"

"Oh yes, I know it works. Oh, hi, dear," she said the last bit to me. And then she turned back around to Dave and said, "Where the hell is Nash anyway?!"

And at that moment Nash came bounding through (covered in ketchup, may I add). He said, "Hi, mummy, you looks a bit messy," and started helping her with her shopping. And by helping I mean tore open the bottom of the bags, stole a new bottle of ketchup and started drinking it.

Dave's mutti raised her eyebrows, "Do you call that looking after him?"

"Yes, actually. He is the spawn of the devil. He can be quite a handful. You should be proud the house isn't burnt down and the worst thing other than the piddly diddly department is now out of order is that there was a booby trap,"

"I only asked you to baby sit. So I could have what is commonly known as a life, you know. You didn't need to booby trap the front door,"

"Oh no. That was for Imogen,"

"Can't you and your sister just leave each other alone? I hate having both of you in the house at the same time!!"

"I was actually being a good big brother and defending Nash over last night,"

"You were defending Nash?"

"Yes,"

"Like a good big brother?"

"Yes,"

"And you designed that trap all by yourself?"

"Yes,"

"It's rather clever,"

"I know," Dave said, proudly.

"And do you know what else?"

"What?"

"You are soooo re-grounded,"

"Bugger,"

_**6 minutes later**_

Grounding in the House of Laugh seems just to mean house arrest because Dave's Mutti didn't tell me to go home or anything. To make him on his owny. She just made him lump all the shopping in. As I said to him, I would have help apart from the fact I have already lugged home ten tons of milk. At least someone in his house shops. Which is better than my house, I don't think the fridge has seen something in date in years.

She said to me, when Dave was out of the room, "You two ok now?"

I said, "Yes, we are as ok as two ok things in ok land,"

Would have been if you hadn't stopped him giving his answer.

She said, "I thought so. Because he has been in an insufferably good mood the last few days. At first I thought he'd taken something. He has been too happy than is natural. He even didn't care when Imogen went into his room and trashed it. Although, I don't suppose it can be trashed anymore than it already is,"

Then Dave came back and she had to stop talking. I think he realised we'd been talking about him, because he looked at us funnily.

His Mutti went to put away the bread and nearly slipped on some of Nash's left over ketchup.

"Oh, for God's Sake! The house is an absolute tip, Dave! I leave you in charge for five minutes…" and then she turned to me and said, "Boys, hey?- Nash! Stop eating all the food, I have only just brought them, I don't want them scoffed straight away- and that goes for you too, Dave, stop eating,"

Dave said, through a mouthful of Jammy Dodgers, "Oim not ea'ing nuffink,"

Dave's Mutti said, "You not eating nothing so you are eating something, now all of you SKEDADDLE,"

Skedaddle? Who ever says 'skedaddle' anymore?

Anyway, me and Dave trooped out of the kitchen. I think he was keen to get me away from his Mutti-Loon. I wonder why?

Dave said, when we walking through the living room to get to the stairs, (a complete mess of Nash's toys), "Was she trying to weedle up to you when I wasn't in there?"

I said, "Yes,"

He said, "She thinks it is nice but I beg to differ, I would rather she stayed away from my girlfriends,"

I said, "Ooooh, so that is what I am? Your girlfriend,"

Dave smirked, "Of course not. Yet. You still have an awful amount of work to do, stalking-wise,"

Ooooh, he is so irritating.

I said, "I'm not going to wait any longer, Dave. If you aren't going to say 'yes' I'll have to make you,"

He grinned, "Ooh, make me? How?"

I said, "I'll make you go all jelloid again,"

He said, "Oh, will you now?"

I said, "Yes," and started snogging him.

"Can you two do what is commonly known as _get a room_?"

We both very, nearly had a heart attack. We had not noticed Dave's Vati who had been sitting in the corner quietly reading a newspaper. We jumped out of our skins and quickly went up the stairs.

_**30 seconds later**_

As we got to the top of the stairs, shouting erupted again downstairs.

"YOU STUPID, STUPID GIRL!"

Dave sighed and said to me, "Can't this house go two minutes without a domestic?"

Which I thought was _trés amusante_.

"WHAT IN THE BLAZES HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF!?"

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID??"

"I'M NOT STUPID. YOU LOT ARE STUPID!!"

And Imogen came bursting through the door at the bottom of the stairs. She had obviously come back from having a fake tan. Although she wasn't 'lovely and golden'. She quite orange. Edging on fluorescent.

She charged up the stairs, the vision of huffiness and said to Dave as she went past, "Don't you dare say anything!" and disappeared into the bathroom.

I thought Dave was going to fall down the stairs he was laughing so much.

_**3 minutes later**_

We crashed back down onto Dave's bed. He was still laughing like a loon.

He said, as he calmed down, "As much as I hate being grounded, you have to admit, it comes with spectacular family moments,"

I said, "I wouldn't say you were grounded. Just house arrest,"

He looked at me in a confused sort of way.

I said, "Because when I am grounded, it is 'No going out, no friends around, no snacks, no phone, no breathing' and all that jazz. But your Elderly Loons are letting me stay around. They even seem to like me. Your Vati didn't have a F.T. about us snogging, mine certainly would. And I cannot believe they are just normal, Jas-like parents. They had you. So what is up with that?"

Dave said, "Hahahahahaha,"

To try and stop me asking.

I said, "That isn't going to make me stop asking,"

Dave said, "Ah. You are ever so pushy, Kittykat. The thing is, when I was forced to go down to the park with Nash after you gave me my morningly heart attack for the day, my Elderly Loons decided to tune into Imogen Gossip Lines,"

"Imogen Gossip Lines?"

"Yes, never ask her about anything. You'll be told everyone's life story backwards. But anyway, they wanted to know what she was going to say and who you were. And now they seem to think they must do anything they can do for me and you. Which is outstandingly sad and naff. And infuriating to the extreme. But I cannot be cross because I vowed to be nicey-nice to everything. Even family,"

Blimey. So it is not me who has family loons that try to get involved.

I said, "Why do you have to be nicey-nice to everything?"

He said looking at me, "You cannot say that you have never tried bargaining with God. Or 'Our Lord Sandra' as you fondly know him,"

I said, "Yes, but usually Our Lord Sandra and God do not come up trumps. So I go Buddhist,"

Dave said, "Oh dear. You are not going to start wearing orange robes and go bald are you?"

I said, "I hope not. It does run in my family. You only need to look at my Uncle, who is as bald as a coot. Two coots. In fact he works as a male stripper under the name 'The Baldy-O-Gram',"

"Your uncle is a stripper?"

"Yes. I was forced to watch his act his act two days ago,"

Dave said, "You are completely mad,"

I said, "I know," and I tried to snog him. And then he leant out my reach and said, "Oh, God. Wait three seconds will you? You'll see what I mean," And he got up and tip toed to his door. Vair, vair quietly like a little mouse. Which is an achievement considering the amount of rubbish on his floor. And then he ripped open the door.

His loons fell straight through.

Dave said, sighing like the vair, vair exasperated, "Don't you have anything better to do than listen at my door? I thought you said you had a life. Now use it and SKEDADDLE,"

And they darted off. I now luuurve the word skedaddle. I may use it on my elderly loons. It sounds trés commanding and coolio.

Dave said, "See what I mean? They have even taken to spying. It is like _Big Brother_ in this house. I take it back. I cannot stand another minute of being cooped up in this house. And I hate the 'family moments'. I must escape to the freedom of PANTS soon. But not now. Snogging time,"

And snog we did.

_**3.30pm**_

Phew. Number six is hungry work. We went downstairs to see what we could snaffle snack-wise seeing as his Mutti is not defending the food with pants of iron, as Dave put it.

_**3 minutes later**_

Yum, yum, Pop Tarts.

_**5 minutes later**_

We sneaked back through the living room with our snackaroonies.

I said, "I think I see why you are completely barmy now, seeing your family,"

He said, "You need to be barmy to survive, Kittykat,"

And then Imogen, who'd been painting her toe nails whilst watching a naff make over programme (one of the ones that they dress the contestant up as mutton-dressed-as-lamb and give them plastic surgery…I wonder if they do noses…) burst into a laughing spaz.

She spluttered, "_Kittykat_?!"

Dave said, "Shut up, _tangerine_,"

She tried to be all huffy and serious looking, but it is hard to take someone serious when they bright orange. Then she pointed to the TV and said, "Look, Dave, needles," There was a Botox operation going on.

Dave said, "So?" but he went quite pale. I forgot that he was scared of needles.

I said to him, when we got upstairs, "Why are you scared of needles?"

"Because they botched one I had when I was little. It was…eurgh. I cannot even think about it. Don't talk about them otherwise I really will be sick,"

Blimey.

_**10 minutes later**_

We munched through the pop tarts and then lay down on his bed again. And we just looked at each other. It was one of those moments when it needs to be all silent and stuff, but unfortunately we could hear his Loons all shouting downstairs.

"Why the hell is the toilet flooded?!"

"Eeeeew, that's gross!"

"My rubbie duckies are downs there! HAHAHAHA,"

"Who let Nash put his rubber ducks down the toilet?! You need to keep an eye on your kids better!"

"My kids?! It wasn't even me who let him do that! Dave was babysitting him!"

"You let a kid be in charge of another kid? Well that spells disaster! No wonder the house is a tip!

"OOOOH! Fights, fights, fights, Haha,"

"Well maybe if you didn't act like a kid all the time…"

"I don't act like a kid! I had to watch the game. The lads were playing!"

"Who ate my favourite lipstick!?"

"It was meeee, it was yummyyyy,"

"Nash! I am going to KILL you!"

"Imogen don't kill your brother!"

On and on and on. Dave just rolled his eyes which made me laugh. Then he said, "I am getting out of here. I'll walk you home. Although walking you home may take a couple of hours, topped with snogging, my glaciousity goes amiss again,"

I said, "Aren't you under House Arrest again?"

"But that won't stop me,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Erm, yes it can actually.

We got to the front door only to find they had locked it and hidden the keys.

Dave said, "Unbelievable,"

I said, "So, what now?"

He looked thoughtful (doing imaginary beard-stroking) and then said, "The Sweetness and Light Approach," and he went off into the living room. His Vati was sitting reading his newspaper again. Imogen, Nash and his Mutti were all still making a hullabaloo in the kitchen.

Dave said, "Vati? You know that you love me and would want me to be happy and such like?"

"No, you are not having any money,"

"No, I meant-"

"And you are not borrowing the car,"

"No, I-"

"And she is not staying the night. That is going too far,"

Un-bloody-believable. Not the staying over. Although that shows how Sex-Obsessed all the adults of the world are. I mean, the way adults assume stuff.

Dave said, "No, I meant; where are the front door keys?"

"Why do you want them?"

"So I can walk Georgia back to hers. You never know what lurks around the streets,"

"It is four o'clock. It is still light,"

"So?"

"You are grounded. Which means no going out. Now go away. I am trying to read this,"

"Then I will stand here and whine at you,"

So much for the Sweetness and Light Approach. But it worked! He gave Dave the front door keys. Result! Yessss.

"If your mother asks, you stole them and did a runner,"

"Of course. Did I tell you that you are my favourite dad?"

"I am your only dad,"

"But still my favourite,"

Oh, what larks!

_**Home**_

_**6.00pm**_

Dave and me hung out in the park for a bit. Snogging. Typically.

I may have to strangle him soon if he doesn't ask me out properly. It annoying that I don't know what is going on. I don't get why he keeps this up. He is mad. But I know where he gets it from now. His family may be madder than mine.

_**4 minutes later**_

Libby barged in, in a knitted donkey's costume and Mutti also had one, courtesies of Maisie.

I take it back. My Family is deffo madder.

* * *

**Hope this was more of a decent length chapter!! I have been planning bits and bobs of this chapter for ages. Not that it was anything special. In fact it was a rambler and pretty pointless, apart from a few things in it but I still luuurve it.**

**And also, it is official. I am not going to be a translator, I am going to be a biscuit entrepreneur. I am going to be the manufacturer of Dave Biscuits. And they come in Halloween variety too. Sorry, sorry, it was an insidey joke watsit. But seeing as I am in a chatty mood, I will try to explain, although it may not be so funny to you. Me and Vinnie2757 have been emailing each other all day but in my spare time between writing this and emailing I manage to educate myself on McVities digestive biscuits vis-à-vis Wikipedia. I was so proud I told her. And she didn't understand why I am proud. But I am proud of biscuits, once I phoned her to tell her I ate 36 cookies on the trot. But anyway, I told her that my life is destined in being a Biscuit Entrepreneur…Jack the Biscuit…Dave!! OhmiGodOhmiBlackAndWhiteSpats! Dave biscuits. And then she said about a skeleton trick inspired by a fanfic we were reading and I had the idea for Halloween Dave biscuits!! With free fangs! Because as Georgia says herself, you can do excellent nip libbling in those!!**

**Yes, I have gone mad. **

**Ps. Please remember to help me in my desperados, see top authors note.**


	7. Slim Belly Dances For a Living

**Oh dear. I feel really pressure ****now; everything gets updated really quickly on here now! And one of my major ideas for the last two chapters of this fanfic which I've been planning for ZONKS has been vair, vair slightly touched upon in another fanfic, God, I hope no one has the EXACT same idea and writes it. Otherwise I'll die. Although I know it is not the other persons fault, everyone is entitled to their ideas. And they aren't psychic so they couldn't have possibly known i was planning it, lol!**

**I think I have a way to include both versions of what I asked you. Basically I was trying to ask whether Dave fell in luuurve with her looks or personality, looks being first sight and personality being as he got to know her which is the depth but I explained it badly. ****I cannot explain for the life of me. I was tired and biscuit obsessed…lol! But thank you so much for all answering me! I luuurve you muchos. Yes, I like the fall in love at first sight stuff but I find it hard to write because of the cheesiness of it all. But I think I have a way of doing that combined with my other idea to take off the cheese. Anyway, I think I have figured away, although when you read it you will probably wonder what the hell I am on about until you have an…erm, explanation included in the fanfic (not an authors note, but I can't explain, it is to do with my major idea) But thanks, thanks and three times thanks for replying! You are simply the best reviewers a gal could wish for!**

**Dave and Gee will get together properly soon, it is just once they do, things can get so boring but I understand the stalking is dragging on a bit now. **

**Hi Pasht, even though the movie was disappointing, I wouldn't say don't see it. The only reason why I was upset was because it wasn't really the way the books made it. It is an ok movie apart from being very cringe worthy, espec at the end but just don't expect it to be the books on screen, the characters and plots have changed too much. But that's just my opinion. Sorry it hasn't come out in Canada, it must be so irritating to have to wait!!**

* * *

**Slim ****Belly Dances for a Living**

_**Monday July 16**__**th**_

_**8.00am**_

Just having a peaceful lie-in.

Not.

Why does Libby have such a cold botty? It feels like she has dipped it in a bucket of ice. It is nippy noodles personified. Or rather bottified. Shut up, Brain!

I said, "Libby, why is your bottom so cold?"

She said, "I'm a snowman. Heggyhoghoghog,"

And then she sneezed. All over me. Erlack a pongoes!!

_**4 minutes later**_

I had to disinfect myself with bleach.

_**6 minutes later**_

I got back into my room to find Libby wiping her nose on my duvet. This is the type of life I have to put up with. I will have to sleep in the bath tub tonight.

Libby said, "Me not very well,"

I looked at her. She didn't look very well as it happened. She was all pale. Aaaw, the poor little mite. As much as she can be a pain in the bum o'ley sometimes, I do love her.

And that is when she was sick all over my bed.

_**15 minutes later**_

Libby's officially lurgified. Mutti managed to drag her out of my bedroom and take her downstairs. She is all wrapped up, cosy bananas in a blanket on the sofa. She just sits there looking at us with bleary little eyes. Oh, poor thing.

I said, out of my boundless niciosity, "Is there anything I can get you?"

She looked at me with her bleary little eyes and whispered, "Yes, Gingey. All my toys,"

I said, "How about just a few?"

She suddenly shouted, "NO! BAD BOY! All OF THEM! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE ARE YOU DEAF?!"

Where does she learn this appalling language? And how come she can talk now? I thought she was supposed to be ill. She remembered that and coughed and looked at me.

I melted. She is too cute.

_**20 minutes later**_

Who knew Libby had so many toys? I had to lug every single one downstairs. And by that, I don't mean Scuba Diving Barbie and her posse. I mean the squillion she has. She puts the Toy-type Shops to shame.

_**10 minutes later**_

Libby is sitting there, barely visible under all her toys. Like the invisible-toy girl. I was feeling quite tuckered and knackered from all my carrying.

I said, "You fine now Libby?"

She looked at me and said, "I want milky pops now, Gingey,"

_**7 minutes later**_

I am like slavey girl to my darling sister. I made her a milky pops and she gulped the whole thing in one and asked for more. Blimey O'Reily's Pantibus! Does she have a bottomless pit for a stomach?

_**5 minutes later**_

I gave her some more milky pops and she burped (vair, vair pingy pongoes) and asked for MORE. I could not believe it. It was unbelievable that is why. You would think that no one had given her a drink in years.

Although in my family that is probably the case.

I was very tempted to tell her to go drink out of the paddling pool. Which Mutti and her friends had been bathing in milk in. I will never understand the madnosity of so-called grown ups.

_**9 minutes later**_

It is like a labour camp in this house. With Libby cracking the whip. Not literally, although I have seen what she brings back from the Home of the Elderly Loons. It is not right for a child her age.

Libby will not let me sit down for five seconds. I go to take a well earned break and she throws her toys at me. Or spits. And believe me; she can spit for Billy Shakespeare Land. She should go to the Spitting Championships. Or the Spit-Olympics.

Hard work does not do my brain any good. I have gone mad.

If she wasn't poorly I may have to kill her. But I am too tuckered to. I know how Dave felt yesterday. I feel a bit on the tired and hysterical twitchy eye side.

_**5 minutes later**_

I went into the kitchen to get Libby her squillionth cup of milk and Mutti was lounging around, eating chockie spread straight from the jar. Only Big G knows where she got it from. She'll get obese if she carries on. And that would be simply horrific, considering what she wears. Which is prozzie clothes. And a jelloid prozzie is not attractive.

Imagine Slim in prozzie clothes. Erlack, Erlack! I must get that image out of my head.

Mutti said, "You look a bit bushed, Gee,"

I just looked at her like a deranged earwig.

She just carried on eating chockie spread. Not caring that her so-called daughters are dying, one of bubonic plague, one of exhaustion.

_**2**__** minutes later**_

I don't even know why I bother to call her Mutti. She is clearly not a Mutti type mutti. She is actually a Crap-type Mutti. Which is virtually no mutti at all. She is far too selfish and lax to be a Mutti.

I will call her Connie from now on. Because she will have to earn her Mutti status.

_**3 minutes later**_

I said to her, "I am going to call you Connie from now on,"

She said, "That's my name,"

And she just carried on eating. I may have to kill her.

_**5 minutes later**_

When I am a Mutti, I will be a proper Mutti. I will cook nourishing stews, keep the fridge fully stocked, do housework and look after my children. And by looking after my children I mean buying them clothes, giving them plenty of pocket money for spendaroonies and not subjecting them to Elderly Porn. I will be a Domestic Goddess in a skirt.

I wonder who I will have children with when I am an elderly loon myself? Dave? Actually that may be a bad idea. A Libby and Nash crossover may bring the end of the world. I could never keep chasing after them.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder whether I would marry Dave the Laugh? Like in my dream. But obviously without him flying off.

You never know. Rosie and Sven are going to get married. We could.

_**1 minute later**_

Gee the Laugh.

_**30 seconds later**_

Has a nice ring to it.

_**5 minutes later**_

Why in the name of Pantaloons am I thinking about being Gee the Laugh?

I am not even Gee the girlfriend of a Laugh yet. I am only Gee the very nearly girlfriend of a Laugh.

Although I will be Gee the proper girlfriend of a Laugh soon. I am full of determinosity.

_**3 minutes later**_

But he did call me his girlfriend accidentally yesterday. He said, "I would rather she stayed away from my girlfriends". Girlfriend meaning me. As in, I am his girlfriend. But then he said I wasn't.

But he still said it. Which must mean he thinks of me in that way. Which is good. But he won't say we are going out. Which is bad.

_**6 minutes later**_

Back to the Marriage-situation type fandango.

If I did marry him then I would be sister-in-laws with a tangerine.

Although Imogen's Orangiosity should have faded by then.

_**8 minutes later**_

Uncle Eddie will be Dave's Uncle-in-Law. Gadzooks! And Buggeration. If Dave is forced to meet Uncle Eddie he will try to show him his feather codpiece and may entice Dave into the way of the Laugh-O-Gram. And then we will be up shi cree without a pad.

_**7 minutes later**_

I mean, I do believe each to their own and all that Jazz but will I be able to accept Dave the Laugh's more flamboyant side if I have to watch him dance around in feathers and nothing else?

Oo-er. I need to stop my mind picturing that.

_**2 minutes later**_

I don't think I could accept it. It is more than luuurve can bear.

On the good side of things, Dave has never expressed a wish to dance in his nuddy pants wearing feathers.

_**1 minute later**_

But he might secretly want to. You never know with the boy type folk. And if I do become Gee the Laugh and have children with him, they may grow up disturbed because of having a Vati who is a Laugh-O-Gram.

Or they might be inspired and become Toddly-O-Grams. Which I am sure is illegal.

Oh my Giddy God. I must keep Uncle Eddie away from Dave at all costs.

_**3 minutes later**_

But then he might see my Vati's Lederhosen and think it is rather coolio and start wearing it.

_**5 minutes later**_

Or grow a small badger on his chin.

Erlack!

_**2 minutes later**_

Or my Mutti may try to entice him with her ad-hoc nunga nunga antics.

_**30 seconds later**_

Why do my family have to ruin everything?

_**3 minutes later**_

I feel really nervy and agitated now.

_**6 minutes later**_

At least I am a long way off from being a grown-up and getting married. A long, long way off. I am going to enjoy being young and full of _joie de vivre_.

_**11.**__**30am**_

I hate it in this house. There is nothing to do. I can't wait to be old enough to have a flat in London.

_**7 minutes later**_

Got back in the living room and Libby was making Scuba Diving Barbie and Our Lord Sandra do 'snogglin'. She was making squelchy kissing noises.

_**5 minutes later**_

Speaking of Our Lord Sandra, I wonder why Dave the Laugh was bargaining with him and Big G? I didn't know boys did begging-praying like us girls. What could he have possibly to beg for? He hasn't got a big nose or anything. He has a little button nose. In fact, all his face features are nice and tucked in. Nothing gigantibus sticking out akimbo. He is lucky; he comes from a decent gene pool. I get an enormous conk off my dad and a danger to shipping off my mum. Although he has not avoided the bonkers gene.

_**4 minutes later**_

I wonder whether he got what he was asking for? Although, I don't think him being nicey-nice is a good offer in Big G's book. He is quite nicey-nice already. Although I could see him biting his tongue not to shout back at his Family Mad a few times, yesterday. I suppose all families are mad to a certain watsit.

_**2 minutes later**_

So I wonder what he was bargaining for? I never really thought of him as the praying sort.

_**6 minutes later**_

Oh my Giddy God's Pyjamas. I hope he will not become some religious mental case.

Like Call-me-Arnold.

_**2 minutes later**_

Call-me-Dave. Oh Fish Fingers in Heaven!

_**4 minutes later**_

I am on the edge of a nervy spaz now. Quickly followed by a F.T.

I must keep Dave on a straight path. He must not lean to the way of the Stripper, Priest or Leatherette Vati.

_**2 minutes later**_

I will have to phone him to make sure he is not being swayed off his track to be a stand up comedian, like he said he wanted to be.

_**3 minutes later**_

What would I do when he is touring as a famous comedian, bringing laughs to peoples faces? It is a bit of a lone act, isn't it? He is the only one on stage. When I was having my vair, vair superficial-type phase of Luuurve Gods and Sex Gods (which are now ex-Gods) I knew I would be a backing dancer. I can't backing dance when Dave is trying to tell jokes and be funny. It will be too distracting.

Although he will have plenty of material off me, as I have a habit of making what is commonly known as a fule of myself every five seconds.

But that isn't really helping, is it?

I will have to be the big laughing cheese who laughs all the time. To support him. Because I am a shining watsit like that.

_**4 minutes later**_

Anyway, back to the matters in hand (oo-er).

Phoned Dave.

His Mutti answered, "Hello?"

I said, before she can start trying to be my 'friend' again, "Can I speak to Dave?"

She said, "He's asleep at the moment. I would wake him up but he has put his wardrobe in front of his door and I can't get in. And he sleeps like a log so he wouldn't hear me call,"

Oh Fabbity Fab. She was going to keep talking to me for the next millennium. Trying to be my chummy wummy. It is vair, vair sad.

I said, breezily, "No worries. Let him have his beauty sleep, I'll just go now…"

"Can I pass on a message?"

What was this? Hotel Official-Business? Can I pass on a message? I think she just wanted to know why I wanted to talk to him. She is incredibly nosy. But then she is a Mutti.

I said, "Just ask him what he thinks of religion, tatty bye,"

And I hung up. I am a genius. She was not expecting that.

_**2 minutes later**_

What was she expecting me to say? 'Tell him I send him tides of snogging and nip libbling'?

_**My Bedroom**_

_**2.00pm**_

I was lounging about (Libby had finally gone off to Boboland so Slavey Girl could take a break) and Mutti came Mutti-ing in, swinging her nungas and such.

I said, "Mutti, do you mind? This is my room. Not yours,"

She said, "I thought me and you can do some fun things together,"

I looked at her like she was mad.

I said, "Mutti, are you mad? Do your bleached friends not want to know you any more and you have run out of chocolate spread?"

I was close to the nub of the matter actually because it turned out one of her friends broke her arm diving into Libby's Paddling pool. I hope you understand what I have to put up with.

_**3 minutes later**_

Mutti decided to lie down on my bed next to me (yes, I have changed the sheets from Libby's sicky episode). I could see Mutti's nungas heaving up and down as she breathed. It was rather a horrific sight. She must find it hard to breath under all that weight. They are not small. I hope they don't break my bed.

She said, "So, how is your boyfriend situation? Are you still going out with that buff Italian lad?"

I nearly wet myself laughing. Where does she get buff from? Her mates?

I said, "No, I dumped him,"

She said, "Is that why you are seeing a lot more of that Dave now? Is he your boyfriend?"

Dave's Mutti and my Mutti should have a nosy competition. They are both vair, vair nosy. I am sure they have little mum note pads to jot down everything. Then trade notes.

Is it Mutti's business anyway?

_**6 minutes later**_

It is actually. Because I accidentally told her everything.

I said, "So, I don't know whether Dave wants to be my proper boyfriendy type person or he is just messing me about,"

Mutti looked a bit thoughtful (freaky potatoes!) and said, "I think he is just playing a bit of hard-to-get. Isn't that what you have virtually been doing with him?"

I said, "I know he is playing hard-to-get. Which, by the by, he is naff at. That is the whole point of this stalking business. So I chase him for a change. But I thought he would have given up by now. Should I go back to ignorez-vousing him, to make him chase me again?"

Mutti went into mega deep thought mode which was even more scary. It was like double freaky potatoes with knobs. I think it was scary for her too. She doesn't often go there. Then she said, "I think the thing is, he doesn't trust you. You said that he said he'd loved you for a long time but you never paid him any attention. Maybe he thinks that it is too good to be true and you are not going to stick by him. So in that case, I would carry on the way you are and wait for him to come round. Just stick it out and stay keen,"

I said, "Mutti, you are literally full of wisdomosity," and I gave her a hug and a kiss on her cheek. Yes, I have gone mad.

_**5 minutes later**_

I wonder whether I should try phoning Dave again? Maybe he has woken up now? He is far too lax for his own good. If I do become Gee the Laugh, I will wake him up with a fanfare of pants at eight every morning. He is far too lazy. All he seems to do is sleep. Which spells far-too-lazy in anyone's books.

_**3.00pm**_

Mutti said, "Why don't you go outside for some fresh air?"

Aren't I still under house arrest? I very nearly said that to her, and then I realised. It would be a stupid and vair, vair dim thing to do. Because now I have the freedom of a free thing. Yessss.

_**3 minutes later**_

I will scoot out the house like a scooting thing on scoot tablets before Mutti remembers.

_**15 minutes later**_

After applying my make up. I cannot let the world see my ugly true face. Although I am looking quite tanned in a Sex Kitty type Sun Kissed Way. Which is fabby.

I tried out my new, two step mascara. I look like I am wearing Boy Entrancers. But I am not. It is just mascara. How Marvy?

The only fly in the ointment is that I can barely lift my eyelids. But I like to think it makes me look gorgey in a sexy, mysterious way.

That is what I like to think.

_**3.30pm**_

Decided to go wait for my friends outside school. The school bell rang and I braced myself for the oncoming stampede of boys.

But it didn't come. More's the pity. Shutup, Shutup.

All the Stalag 14 girls came out all nice and calm chatting about make up and other intelligent matters. Where have all the boys gone?

_**2 minutes later**_

The Ace Gang arrived. We did a big group hug and a triumphant shout of 'all for one! One for all!'. I miss them when I am suspended. They are all my besty chummies and amazingly, they are NOT attached to the mouth of their boyfriends. How odd is that? Vair, vair odd and _trés_ weird.

Rosie said, "Ah, here is our little freedom flea. How are you enjoying being able run free and wild?"

I said, "I've been working like slavey girl today, Libby is sicky and I've been running around after her. It is like a slave labour camp,"

Jools said, "At least you haven't been gassed to death today,"

I was shocked, "Is Nazi extremism taken a higher hand?"

Mabs said, "No, one of the boys dropped a stink bomb in assembly. That is why they are being kept behind,"

Rosie said, "It was quite spectacular actually. Slim went all jelloid and the Foxwood head master went all twitchy. It was, quite literally chin and ears city combination,"

"Ears?"

"Yes, his ears flap when he twitches,"

Good Grief!

_**3 minutes later**_

Me and the Ace Gang were sloping off from Substitute Nazi head quarters when Wet Lindsay came octopussing out of the school building. She had had her extensions redone and looked more like an octopus than is humanly possible.

She said, "Well, well, well, if it isn't Georgia Nicolson and her troops of pathetic losers,"

I said, "Can I just tell you Lindsay, your extensions are brilliant. You really love trying to set trends don't you? I think I saw some squids taking your example,"

Lindsay flicked her extensions in what she thought (wrongly) was a vair, vair sophis way and said, "I don't know what you are playing at, ditching Mas like that but it is not going to work. He is sick of common tarts,"

Sick of common tarts? Well, wave TTFN to him then, Ms. Stick Insect. Maybe that is a bit mean? But I am not being mean, I am being factual.

Lindsay carried on, "If you think that he is going to come crawling back to you then think again. So you and your big nose can butt out. He's mine now. You've loved and lost, hun, lost being because you are a LOSER," and she did the naff finger-and-thumb L shape thing.

Oh I hate her. Not that I care. I have bigger fish to fry. Laughing fish.

And just like that was earwigging on my brain, a Laugh appeared. Unfortunately not _my_ Laugh. It was sister Laugh. Imogen, swanning up the street past the school. She looked at us and obviously clocked there was an argument and came over.

_Merde._ This is all I need. Dave's sister ganging up against me with Lindsay.

And then Imogen said, "Lindsay, do you have a problem or something?"

Lindsay looked a bit put on the spot, like as if Hawkeye had told her that she was not doing her Head Girl duties right.

Lindsay said, "No, I am just sorting a little brat out,"

I thought Imogen was going to walk off but she said to me, "Georgia, is Lindsay bothering you?"

I said, unsurely, "Yes, as it happens,"

Lindsay hissed at me, "Don't you dare, Georgia Big-nose Nicolson. I can make life very hard for you when you come back to school,"

Imogen said, "Lindsay! Abusing your position as head girl. Bullying little kids, how could you? And as for making life hard for Georgia; well, didn't I do exactly the same for you? And I can do it all over again,"

Lindsay looked a bit scared of Imogen. Imogen just stood over her. She is older than Lindsay. Although a bit shorter. It sort of reminded me of when Dave had stood over Mark Big Gob when he duffed him up for me last time.

Lindsay said, "Err, well, I didn't realise you liked her and…"

Imogen said, "She is my brother's girlfriend. Of course I like her. Now, take your naff extensions and bugger off to squeal to some teachers,"

Lindsay just gave me one finally dirty look and stalked off. She said under her breath, "Stupid Orange Tart,"

Imogen said, "What was that, Lindsay?"

Lindsay said, "Oh, um, nothing!" and walked off three times quicker. Hahahaha. Lindsay had been beaten by Imogen. A big fish was beaten by a bigger fish while catching little fish. Why am I so obsessed with fish all of a sudden? I hope I don't end up like Ro Ro and Sven.

Mabs said, "That was fabby! She was all scared of you!"

Rosie said, "You have triumphed over our nemesis. You may wear the beard,"

Imogen just raised her eyebrows at the beard and said, "I'd rather not, ta,"

_**4 minutes later**_

Imogen walked along with us as we went homewards bound. I was worried she was going to be mean again, like she is to Dave but she was quite nice to us, although I got the drift she was a bit conscious of being seen with us. It may have been because Rosie was wearing her beard and singing 'The Hills are alive with the sound of PANTS,". Although seeing as Dave is the official pantsmeister she should be used to it.

She is not as orange as she was yesterday, although I have a feeling she has scrubbed herself raw and then piled on a tub of foundation and concealer.

She was chatting to us. And by chatting, I mean slagging Lindsay off mostly. But it made us giggle like loons in skirts. After all, she is one of the Laughs. But she wasn't the same type of funny as Dave. She was funny in a bitchy way not a nonsense-at-all-times way.

She said, "Oh yes, and once Lindsay, being the teachers' botty kisser she is, was hanging around with us, trying to fit in. Because she was this little weed who no one talked to- God, she used to have this GIGANTIBUS fringe-rather like yours," she pointed at Jas which made me laugh but Jas went pink and white and purple, "And also her hair was bobbed up to her chin back then and it made her look like she had a strange afro, this is when I was about nine, no way would I be seen dead with her now. But anyway, she hung around with us because she was Norma No Mates. But she was such a sap it was unbelievable. And anyway we were getting a bit sick of her being such a teacher's pet so we dared her to write 'Slim belly dances for a living' on the lavs' wall. And she was so desperate to impress us she did it. But while she was writing it, we told Hawkeye that some little first former was getting duffed up in the lavs and she walked in and saw her writing it! But that wasn't the best part! Because you know how Lindsay is such a teacher's bottom licker? Well, Hawkeye was laying into her and she WET herself! I am not kidding. We were laughing so much I thought I was going to die. And the bit outside the cubicles where the sinks are was called 'Lindsay's Puddle' for months,"

Oh my Giddy God. Hahahaha. We were laughing like loons on loon tablets. Even Jas, even though Imogen insulted the pride and joy that is her fringe.

I realise why Lindsay was so scared of her.

Imogen said, "There was another time when we told her there was hockey practice on after school, and she was in the changing rooms getting changed but there wasn't and we told Pervy Trouser Mr. Attwood that there was some vandalism in the changing rooms and he stomped off, all grouchy with his fire extinguisher and walked in while she was in her knickers and bra and he got in such a tizz and to do he sprayed the fire extinguisher at her,"

Oh Joy Unbounded. Who would have thought Lindsay was the Nauseating P.Green of her time??

_**3 minutes later**_

Imogen had to 'do a drop-in call', as she put it, for one of her mates so she made us all wait for her around the corner for her. I think it is so they didn't see her with us. I have no idea why in the name of God's Pantaloons we waited for her, but I feel a bit scared of her now. After hearing everything she did to Lindsay.

Mabs said, "It was a larf wasn't it, hearing about Lindsay?"

Jas said, "Yes, but she does sound a tad horrid," but I think she is just touchy over the fringe fiasco.

Jools said, "Yeah, she's quite meanio isn't she? I'm mean, yeah, sure, it's Lindsay she bullied but blimey. She's not much like Dave, is she? I thought brothers and sisters were supposed to be alike,"

Rosie said, fondling her beard, pretending it was Sven, probably, "Yes, just because she looks like a grown up, tarty transvestite version of Dave doesn't mean she acts like a grown up, tarty transvestite version of Dave, does it?"

I would be quite freaked out if Imogen acted like a transvestite version of Dave, actually.

Ellen said, "She isn't, um, a transvestite version of Dave, like, she is actually quite, you know, pretty. And aren't, err, transvestites ugly?"

I said, "Erlack, Ellen! Are you on the turn?"

Ellen went beetroot, "No, I mean, err, she has, you know, little features, like. And Dave does, err, you know, cutie sort of face,"

Erlack, I think she is having Dec-withdrawal already. I said, "Ellen, a) Please stop this lezzy talk and b) are you swooning about my boyfriend?"

Rosie said, "Oo-er, Missus, so is Dave your boyfriend now?"

Uh-oh. They were all looking at me as agog as two gogs. I didn't want to say no so I said, "_Oui_," like someone who says_ Oui_ to the specific horn.

Jools said, "He hasn't asked you out, has he?"

"_Oui_,"

_**5 minutes later**_

Imogen came back. She looked all pleased with herself for some reason. As pleased as a slightly orange person can be with themselves.

She said, "Georgia, will you be heading back my way to see Dave?"

I hadn't really thought about seeing Dave today. But Mutti had told me I need to keep keen. So I said, "Yeah,"

She said, "Excellent," I don't know why. And then she started walking off. She realised I wasn't following and said, "I thought you were coming this way?"

I said, "Yes, but Dave doesn't go that way home, he walks off much further down,"

"Where?"

I told her and she said, "Aaaaw, he has to walk an extra quarter of an hour that way. He must really luuurve you to put himself out like that. How…sweet. Anyway, I go _this_ way. It's much quicker,"

I shrugged and said S'laters to the gang.

_**House of Laugh**_

_**4.00pm**_

Imogen said when we got in, "Make yourself at home, I'll get him for you,"

And I could hear her stomp up the stairs shouting, "Oy! Twit-face! Georgia's here. You're not still sleeping are you? You lazy sod," and so on.

I wonder why she is being so nice to me?

Then she came back downstairs, "He's not in. He is supposed to be grounded. He's going to be so dead when he comes back home if he doesn't beat mum to it. He apparently made a trap for me, yesterday which mum walked into. I don't see why he bothers. I never fall for them. In fact the one before that I tricked him into walking into it himself. Idiot,"

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers!

I said, "Ok then, I'll be off,"

She said, "Don't go. Just because you are going out with my brother doesn't mean that coming here means you only need to see him. I would be glad to have a girl's opinion on what to wear on my spendaroonies trip tonight,"

And she dragged me up to her room.

_**4 minutes later**_

_**Imogen's Room**_

Imogen's room is like a purple version of Dave's. And by that I mean it is just as messy. But it isn't full of junk like his, there are just piles of shoes. Lots and lots and lots of shoes.

Imogen said, gesturing to the mess, "I like shoes,"

I agreed like billio.

_**10 minutes later**_

I had to wait while she tarted herself up. She seems a bit on the superficial side of things. I could never be like her.

I wonder if the Ace Gang noticed my gorgey eyelashes?

She said, "Pink eye shadow or white eye shadow?"

I said, "Err, white,"

She said, "Excellent. I must say, it is lovely to have someone who knows what they are talking about to give an opinion. No one has a clue in this house. I can't ask Dave because he is a bloke and therefore clueless but when I ask Mum she says 'Stop messing with your face. It's lovely without make up'. Are your folks the same?"

I said, "Actually no. My Mutti is a fan of the over made up look. She looks like a prozzie most the time,"

She nodded and carried on straightening her hair. And then she said, "So, what do you see in my prat of a brother?"

"That's not very nice, calling Dave a prat,"

Imogen shrugged, "Well that is what he is; a prat. It's the truth,"

I said, "It is still not very nice,"

She said, "I bet he says worse things about me behind my back,"

I said, "Actually he never really mentions you,"

That obviously affected her because she said, "The sod, how dare he?"

_**6 minutes later**_

The door bell rang and we went down to get it. It was one of Imogen's chummies.

Imogen said, "Hi Anne,"

Anne said, "Hi, Im," and then she looked at me and said, "Are you having to babysit or something?"

I could have biffed her.

Imogen said, "This is Georgia. My brother's girlfriend,"

She keeps saying that. Does she think we are going out properly? Are we?

Anne said, "Does that mean yes, you are baby sitting?"

And they laughed like loons on loon tablets. And then Imogen disappeared off upstairs to get her shoes.

_**3 minutes later**_

She is still upstairs, choosing her shoes. I hope she isn't going to try every pair on. Otherwise I would have grown a beard by the time she did.

I hate waiting.

Anne just completely ignorez-voused me, just staring at her (bad) fake nails.

I was about to slope off home when Imogen came down the stairs. She looked at me then said, "Where do you think you are going?"

I said, "Oh, Chez Bonkers, mostly,"

She said, "Erm, you are not, you are coming with us,"

And they dragged me out with them before I could refuse.

Why?

_**8 minutes later**_

It was quite odd hanging out with eighteen-year olds. It made me feel grown up actually, full of maturiosity. Although their maturiosity seemed to have deleted their sense of direction. We kept going around the same block.

After the third time around, I said, "We have gone round this bit three times now,"

Imogen said, "Just keep quiet and keep walking,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Maybe they are playing that well known game- See-how-many-cars-beep-at-you?

_**5 minutes later**_

Same bat time. Same bat place.

Still walking around in circles like a circle thing.

Anne said, "Have you heard that Ben chucked Mandy? I heard that she was cheating on him,"

Imogen said, "Well, that's where you're wrong because Naomi told me that her brother's mate told her that his sister told him that at Charlie's Party Ben left with that Amy who works down in the newsagents, across the road from the Gold Café, and then Laura told me that her boyfriend told her that his sister overheard some guys talking about the fact one of their brothers told them that his mate who is mates with a mate of Ben's that Ben and Amy went off clubbing together last Tuesday and I know that's a fact because Cathy also told me and Cathy also told me that her mate Fiona who is besties with Amy told her that Ben got Amy up the duff so there was obviously something going on and I know that's true because Amy came into the shop when I was working behind the counter at the chemist shop to buy the Morning-After Pill. So obviously Ben is the one in the wrong,"

Anne just looked at her for a bit then said, "I thought you got the sack from the Chemist Shop?"

Imogen said, "That was before I got the sack. The Owner said that I talked too much and I don't keep the customers purchases confidential which is a lie because everyone knows I am fab at keeping secrets and as for talking too much, have you ever known me to talk too much? Well, it's only because she knows that I know that she's cheating on her husband because every Monday and Wednesday morning that chap who works in the bank comes round and goes up into the living quarters and they are in there for HOURS and they come out looking a bit messy and he has his own key and everything and Danna who cleans up says the door is always locked when he's over so she's just angry because I figured out she's having an affair and that I'll tell her husband but it's not like that matters because everyone knows that he has got a thing for that tart in the post office,"

Good Grief.

Anne said, "Yes, err...can I talk to you about Sam?"

Imogen said, "Oh my gawd, you haven't got something for Sam have you? He's such a retard and he has the brain of a three year old. Anyway, he's apparently going out with that Tanya, you know Joe's sister but Cathy told me that her sister's boyfriend told her that they don't even snog or anything so I don't know what sort of relationship that is. But they are not prudes because Tanya went out with that Gary who's a right player, so I don't know what's going on there. But then again who'd want to snog him? You'll be sure to catch something. But then who'd want to snog her? I don't know whether it is freckles or an infestation of lurkers but she looks like she's been scraping her face up a brick wall,"

Anne said, like the wet weed she was, "Maybe she was practicing snogging on a brick wall?" and she looked thrilled to pieces when Imogen laughed

Imogen said, "What? Face Grinding? Hahaha. but that sounds about right for her. Isn't that what cats do? Rub faces? Hey, did you know, my brother-not the little one, the idiot one- well he's going out with her, Georgia" she pointed at me, "and he calls her Kittykat. Kittykat! Honestly, I am not joking. How crap and naff is that?"

Anne said, giggling like a twit. Which she is, "Kittykat!?"

Imogen said, "I know, crap or what?" then she turned to me, "Do you have a special nickname for him?"

I was about to say it was none of her business what I call Dave when a car beeped at us and the driver leant out and yelled, "Idgey!"

I said, raising my eyebrows, "Idgey?"

Imogen or otherwise fondly known as Idgey said, "Don't you dare," and she did a flicky hair thing and called back, "Hey, Adam,"

Isn't he the one who brought her the clothes last week? That she didn't like?

He said, "You girls need a lift anywhere? Who's the little dot? Are you babysitting?"

I could have killed him. But he didn't say it in a mean way like Anne had because he smiled at me. It was one of those smarmy, I-know-I'm-Gorgey type smiles. Which he was. Sort of. If you like the sleepy blonde types.

Imogen said, "Nah, she's coming shopping with us," and got in the front passenger seat. We clamoured into the back. Adam had a can in his hand. Which I didn't think was vair, vair safe. Drink driving. But live and let live, I say.

Adam said, "Oh, going shopping are you? Would you be needing a loaded sugar-daddy by any chance?" and he winked at her.

Sugar Daddy? Why is everyone talking absolute pants today?

Imogen said, battering her eye lashes in what I think she thought was a nice, innocent way, "Oh, Adam. You brought me lots last week, I couldn't possibly get you to spend on me again,"

He said, "Nonsense, Idgey. I like spending money on you,"

Eureka! I get it! She walking around the block so he would see us and spend his money on her. Blimey O'Reily's pantaloons. I am so glad Dave is nothing like her.

She said, "Oh, if you insist,"

And he drove for a bit, with his arm around her shoulders. She didn't seem too happy it was there but she didn't tell him to take it off. I was sitting next to Anne. She completely ignorez-voused me again and just stared at her nails.

And then Adam said, "So, who _is_ the little dot then?"

Imogen said, "That's Georgia. She is my brother's girlfriend,"

She said it again.

I said, "Why do you keep saying I am his girlfriend?"

She turned around and looked at me, confused, "Aren't you? That's what he told me,"

Oh, did he now?

_**Churchill Square**_

_**7**__**.00pm**_

Imogen and Anne dragged Adam around the shops and he was going spend, spend, spend, flashing his credit card with ad-hoc abandon. He didn't seem to mind he was being used as a toy boy. Or he didn't realise. But then he is blonde. And you know what they say about the blonde-types. That they are a bit on the dim side of life.

But he also brought me a couple of tops so I forgave him for being dim.

It was quite fun being able to dart around doing spendaroonies without some Elderly Loon moaning about the cost of everything. It was quite literally a Skyscraper Funosity-Wise, that is how fun it was.

Although I did feel a bit guilty. Because I am a nice person like that.

Imogen certainly didn't. In fact, when he had to scoot off at the end of the night, she had quite strop about him leaving us and the fact we had to catch a bus.

"How dare he just take us up and then abandon us? This bus stinks. It is full of old people. I even didn't kill him when he called me Idgey. How can he just drive off? I swear, if he calls me Idgey one more bloody time…"

And Our Dear little Idgey moaned for the rest of the way back.

_**10 minutes later**_

We said S'laters to Anne (who ignorez-voused me again and looked at her nails like a seeing-nails dog) and Imogen dragged me off back to the House of Laugh again. She seemed to cheer up once she was out of the bus because she carried on interrogating me about Dave.

"So, when did you two first meet?"

"Um, at a Stiff Dylans gig,"

"The Stiff Dylans? You like them? They are crap. I haven't heard any of their stuff with that Italian, though. He is quite good looking, isn't he? Didn't you used to go out with him?"

I said, "Err, yes, but I dumped him for Dave,"

She looked at me like I was mad, "You dumped him? Are you mad?"

I said, "No, I just decided I liked Dave better,"

She just said, "You are a nut case. I see why he likes you, being one himself. What do you see in him?"

"Well, he's a good laugh and has a good personality,"

Imogen just raised one eyebrow, "Everyone says that. So they look like a nice person. But it obvious to everyone that they are just saying it. Why do you really like him?"

Oh my Giddy God. What should I say? She'll probably tell Dave anything I say. Poo.

I said, "Oh, you know," To try and sound airy and sophis about it.

But she didn't leave it. "Tell," she said and looked straight into my eyes, to try and force me to say. It was like she was trying to hypnotise me. Dave can do that, but when he does it, I feel all warm and jelloid and it sort of slips out. But when Imogen did it, it made me feel like something really bad would happen if I didn't say anything.

And then I burst out with, "Well, he has an excellent nip libbling technique,"

Nooooooo. Why in the name of God's Pantyhose did I say that? I am vair, vair stupido.

She said, "Eww. I don't want to know about how my brother kisses, thank you, Erlack, Erlack!"

I could have died.

_**House of Laugh. Again.**_

_**7.30pm**_

Dave still hadn't come back home.

I said, "I should be getting back now,"

Imogen said, "Don't be ridiculous. I haven't got out the home movies, yet,"

Good Lord! What is this? National-Embarrass-Dave-Day?

_**15 minutes later**_

She put on the home videos in the living room and skipped forwards a bit. She came to this really cutie shot of Dave as a baby. I thought it was_ trés_ adorable but she thought it was really boring and skipped past it. Then she came to a bit which was taken on a family holiday on the sea side.

Imogen said, "Oh, this is my favourite one. He was five when this was taken,"

Oh dear. Dave as a Toddly folk Loon. Well this is going to be _sehr interestante_, as our Lederhosen-a-go-go chums would say.

Toddly Dave was dragging a bucket of sea water across the beach. He looked a lot like how Nash does now, apart from the fact that his hair was a bit longer than Nash's.

His Vati on the TV said, "What are you going to do with that water?"

To which Toddly Dave replied, "Tip it all over I'gen," but he fell over a spilt it everywhere and had to go running back towards the sea to get some more. And then, I have no idea how he managed it, but he managed to trip over a shell or something and his head went inside the bucket. And he couldn't get it off. He was running and stumbling around like a loon with a bucket on his head shouting, "I have a bucket on my head! It won't come off! I can't see! I am going to have to be a bucket monster for the rest of my life. Get it off! Get it off!"

I very nearly wet myself I was laughing that much.

Dave's Mutti walked in from the kitchen to see what we were laughing at, she tutted at Imogen, "Immy, I am sure Dave wouldn't want you to be showing Georgia that,"

Imogen said, "Why not? I thought he was in trouble anyway, so why not make more trouble for him? Isn't he grounded? He has gone out the house,"

Dave's Mutti said, "That's ok. He's not grounded anymore because he did a trade off with his pocket money for the next two weeks. And it was difficult keeping him in the house, anyway,"

Imogen looked quite cross, "That isn't fair. He shouldn't be able to chop and change like that. You should have kept he under house arrest. It is far more easy to irritate him that way. Such as with these videos,"

Dave's Mutti said, "Turn it off. You wouldn't us showing any of your boyfriends embarrassing stuff about you,"

Imogen said, as she turned the TV off, "She isn't even his proper girlfriend, I asked her and she said she wasn't,"

Dave's Mutti looked like she was going to start the Inspector Bonkers Interrogation but something beeped in the Kitchen so she had to go and sort it out. Phew.

Imogen said, "Is there anything you want to know about him? Any gloomy details? Because talking about people behind there backs is one of my fave hobbies,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Me and Imogen were talking for ages. Well, mostly she was telling me about silly things Dave has done. I don't think they get on much at all.

And then the front door opened in the hallway.

It was Dave. I know that because he called into the house, "I am back! The Vati is back! Stoke up the burners and get the food out the oven! No, need to all rush to greet me at once, I am only human! And- OW! Nash can you stop leaving toys everywhere? I have a habit of tripping over them and injuring myself. It is ok, no need to call an ambulance; I have only just broken my toes. They will heel in time. Get it? Heal? Heel? Toes? Hahahahahaha! I make myself laugh. Ow, Ow, Ow,"

I could hear him hopping about like a loon down the hall. Blimey O'Reily's Pantibus!

Then his mutti called from the kitchen, "You have someone here to see you,"

Obviously she was talking about me.

Dave shouted back, still hopping around, "It is not Gran, is it? Please tell me if it is Gran so I can run for it before I am given 10 pence coin and have my cheek pulled. And then told that I have grown a squillion times and- oh!" he'd walked into the living room and saw me. He looked between me and Imogen and then looked really phased.

He said, "Um, hi,"

Imogen smiled and said, "Me and Georgia were just having a lovely chat actually,"

He said, "Oh no, were you?"

Imogen said, "You should be thankful I looked after your_ girlfriend _whilst you were out. You shouldn't go off with your mates whilst your _girlfriend_ is looking for you,"

Dave said, looking a bit nervy, "Well, I'm here now. Come on Kit- um, Georgia, let's go out somewhere," and practically dragged me away from Imogen.

His Mutti said, "You've only just got in and you're going out again?"

Dave said, "Is it any wonder?"

And bustled us out the door.

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave said to me as we were walking down the street, "What's she been saying?"

He looked quite nervy and confuzzled. So I said, "Oh, nothing much. Just showing me stuff really,"

He pressed, "Showing what?"

"Home videos,"

"Oh, God. What did you see?"

I said again, "Nothing much," he just raised his eyebrows, so I said, "You looked vair, vair adorable as a baby, Dave,"

He said, "Did I?" and pulled what I suppose he fondly imagined was a baby face.

I said, "Yes…Especially with a bucket stuck on your head,"

"She is dead. Worse than dead,"

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave has quite a lot of funny things in his life. He would have lots of material when he is a Stand up comedian. He won't need my life. Poo. I really will have to be the big laughing cheese now.

Better start practicing.

Dave said, "Me and the guys were playing football when I was out,"

I said, "Hahahaha,"

He looked at me oddly then said, "But Sven came sledging through the trees and-"

I said, "Hahahaha,"

He looked at me again but obviously just thought my brain had fallen out and carried on, "And he wanted to join in. He was wearing shoes made out of kippers, I think,"

I said, "Hahahaha,"

Dave said, "Hahahaha?"

I had another laughing spaz. Dave looked completely confused and said, "Gee, has your brain fallen out again?"

I said, "Ha-" but he just looked at me, so I said, "I am helping you with your career as a Stand up Comedian,"

Dave said, "By laughing like a great big loony at everything I say?"

"Yes, I am going to be the big laughing cheese,"

He said, "Are you mad? Anyway, I wouldn't want you to be the big laughing cheese. You will be my No. 1 Fan Girl. Because that is the whole point. Fan girls,"

Good Lord.

I said, "What, you mean I have to have a big sign with your face in a heart?"

"If you would, fanks,"

I just looked at him and he nodded his head like a nodding dog. I said, "If it keeps you on your track as a Stand up Comedian. Rather than you becoming a Laugh-o-Gram, Leatherette Vati or a Priest,"

Dave said, "A Laugh-o-Gram, Leatherette Vati or a Priest? Is that why you told my Mutti to ask me about religion?"

I said, "Yes,"

He said, doing imaginary beard stroking, "Well, I only believe if I want something,"

I said, "Like you said you were bargaining with the big Bosses up there?"

"Yep,"

"Did you get what you wanted?"

"Yep…well, sort of,"

"Are you going to tell me what it is?"

"Nope,"

I just sighed and slipped my hand into his. Then he said, "And what is all this about a Laugh-o-Gram?"

Oh, bugger.

_**5 minutes later**_

I said, "Dave, both your Mutti and Sister think I am your girlfriend. You know, official. Not stalker,"

He said, "Hahahahahaha,"

"Am I?"

"Not quite yet, miss Stalker,"

"Well why did you tell them that then? You also said accidentally yesterday that I was your girlfriend. Is that what you think of me as? That's what Imogen told me you told her,"

Dave said, "Don't say the she-told-me-that-you-told-her thing. You'll begin to sound like her,"

"Dave…"

He said, "Well, I couldn't exactly tell her about the stalking, could I? Think how that would have ended up as. It is easier to tell them what they want to hear. Although I have no idea why they have taken such a sudden interest in my life or why they are bothered about whom I go out with,"

I said, angrily "Well, I'm bothered! Can't we just stop this and go out?"

Dave said, "Calm down, Sex Kitty. You had me chasing you for ages. You've only been doing it for less than a week,"

I said, "Dave! You are so IRRITATING, did you know that?"

"Yep,"

"Am I going to have to snog you until you are so jelloid you say yes?"

"Take your best shot, Kittykat,"

Then I changed my mind, "I am not going to snog you actually, so you get snog withdrawal really bad and the only way you'd get a snog is by saying yes,"

Dave said, "I don't need to live on snogs, you know,"

"Yes you do Dave; they are like your bread and water,"

"But I can go a bit without them,"

"No you can't Dave. Because you are quite frankly, and I mean this in a loving way, a tart,"

"Says you!"

Cheeky Cat.

_**1 minute later**_

So I am not 'Gee the Girlfriend of a Laugh'. I am 'Gee the Still Nearly Girlfriend of a Laugh'

_Merde._

_**6 minutes later**_

I may need to kill him soon.

Or stick his head in another bucket.

**Wowowowowowowwoow. I got a chappy up to page 17 on word doc. Brillo. I was getting a bit worried because the chapters on this were quite short but I am happy Larry now.**

**I have also been making a sims-graphiced cartoon of Gird. I have got up to the bit when Dave says 'lets test that' I may upload to D.A. I'll tell you if I do.**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter! This was one of Imogen's important chapters. There is another one which links into my major idea. Anyway, lots of xxxxx**


	8. Invisible Nose Boy

**Wowzee! Thankees muchos for your reviews! I am glad you liked the bucket watsit/ Imogen stuff. And, by the way, BlacAngel, vis-à-vis Imogen's gobbiness reminding you about Vicky Pollard…heheheheh well that's where my inspiration came from for her gossipy side, and her love to embarrass Dave and everything else kind of worked along side it. Obvs she looks nothing like Vicky Pollard, tho, because that would be insultive to poor Dave, having that in his family…and that means he would have to have some sort of family ****resemblance and…Erlack!!**

**Anywho, I am going to avoid rambling for the next millennia and write! **

* * *

**Invisible Nose Boy**

_**Tuesday July 17**__**th**_

_**8.30pm**_

Last day of freedom, suspension wise.

Ho hum, pigs bum. I will only be back for three days and then it is the summer hols. _Was ist der_ point?

_**2 minutes later**_

Libby crawled into bed with me. She is still a bit lurgified. She was all weak and pale but somehow she managed to cart her toys and cross eyed Gordy into my bed.

_**2 minutes later**_

I have Scuba Diver Barbie's arm stuck up my bum oley. It feels like a steel fork. But if I try to move Cross Eyed Gordy attacks my foot.

_**5 minutes later**_

Libby has fallen asleep. She looks so cute when she is in Boboland. Almost like a normal Toddly Folk.

I stroked her face a bit. Blimey O'Reily's Trousers. I think she may have inherited the Gigantibus Conk Gene too. Her nose seems to have grown. Oh, dear, now she is destined to a life of miz and aggers like _moi. _But that is typico of the selfishiosity of so-called grown ups.

I carried on stroking her face and then she said, "Oy! Stop it, Bad Boy!" And bit my hand. And then Crossed Eyed Gordy must have thought it was a biting fest because he leapt at me like a crazed earwig.

_**4 minutes later**_

Had to go to the Bathroom to wash the blood and cat spit off me. Erlack a Pongoes.

_**3 minutes later**_

Looked in the mirror at my own nose. I suppose it won't get any smaller. At least Dave the Laugh doesn't seem to mind it.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh no! And _trés Merde_! Maybe that is why Dave is playing hard to get! He is having second thoughts about me because of my nose.

It is literally gigantibus. And a half.

_**3 minutes later**_

He said that if it bothered him, he wouldn't snog me because it might poke him in the eyes. But he snogs me so obviously it doesn't bother him. So it is okay.

_**2 minutes later**_

Even though I am not snogging him vis-à-vis operation: Snogging-Withdrawal.

_**1 minute later**_

He'll be sitting at home saying 'Oh, my Kittykat of first water, where are you? My lips feel all achy and keep puckering up of their own accord. I wish I could snog you to oblivion. Big nose and all,'

_**4 minutes later**_

Unless he is thinking: 'Thank God she is not snogging me. I am now free from being speared by her conk'.

Oh Goddddd.

_**30 seconds later**_

Maybe why that is why he kept doing nose nuzzling? To try and push my nose back in. Or compare nose sizes.

I am really having _eine grosse_ Spaz Attack now.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phoned Dave.

He answered, "You are through to Dave the Biscuit of Biscuit Land. The Biscuit is currently murdering his sister at the moment; please leave your name after the beep and I'll get back to you- BEEEEP!!"

I said, "Hi, Dave the Biscuit of Biscuit land. It is the Gorgey Kittykat One,"

Dave said, "Ah, hello Ms. Gorgey Kittykat One, has your plan back fired? Have you got snogging withdrawal already?"

I said, "Dave, I am not a tart like you are. It is not my bread and water. It is a recreational watsit,"

Dave said, "A recreational watsit? Kittykat, have you gone mad? Snogs are essential for survival. It is ok to admit it, you are only human,"

"Dave?"

"Okay, Okay. How can I be of assistance? Although, I do have boundaries. I have said it once and I will say it again; I don't do phone sex,"

I said, "Dave! You really don't have any subtlinosity, do you? What must your elderly loons think when they hear you saying stuff like that?"

Dave said, "Well currently they are looking at me like I have gone mad. I do wish the phone hadn't got jammed on loud speaker,"

I said, "WHAT?!"

Dave said, "Deafen me, why don't you?"

I said, "They can hear me?"

Dave laughed, "I am only joking, Kittykat. I am alone, in my bedroom and the phones on normal speaker. No one can hear us. I wouldn't let them anyway. Do you think I am mad?"

I said, "Yes,"

"I know you only say that because you love me. So what can I do for you, Ms. Gorgey Kittykat?"

"Well, Mr. Biscuit, I was wondering what you thought of my nose?"

Dave said, "Weeelll… it is generous, I'll give you that,"

Generous?! How dare he?!

I said, "Wrong, Dave, you are supposed to say 'Don't be silly, Georgia, you're nose is perfect to the extreme',"

Dave said, "Oh, Georgia, you are mad. Of course I don't mind your nose. It is you,"

I said, "Quite literally. So when you nose nuzzle you are not secretly trying to push it back in?"

Dave had a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes. He said, when he calmed down, "You are such a good value. I never thought about it like that. And no, I am not trying to push your nose back in. In fact, a bigger nose would probably be better for nose nuzzling, anyway. With a little nose you would be more likely to bash faces,"

"So, you are all fine and dandy with my nose? You are not not going out with me because of my nose are you?"

"Oh, don't be so silly, you Kittykat loony. You really are paranoid about your nose, aren't you?"

I sighed, "Yep,"

He said, "Well…I'll let you into a little secret. You aren't the only one who is paranoid about your nose,"

I said, "What do you mean?"

Dave said, "I don't like my nose very much either,"

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers. It can't be true. Can it? It can't. He has a little button nose. What's to hate about that? Absolutely nothing, that is what.

I said, "Dave, you have a little nose,"

He said, "Exactly. It is barely there. Sometimes I wonder whether if it fell off all together anyone would notice the difference. I am literally the Invisible Nose Boy,"

I said, "What in the name of God's Pyjamas are you on about? So you want a big nose?"

He said, "Well, not a _big_ nose. But _a_ nose at least,"

Good Grief. I didn't know boys had hang ups about their bodies too. Especially if their noses are too small. But I think he was exaggerating to make me feel better. It worked; it had me laughing like a loon on loon tablets.

Dave said, pretending to be cross, "I am glad you find my noseless-ness amusing. But when I have to go around with a parsnip strapped to my head, you'll see who is laughing. Most probably you still,"

I said, "Aren't we a pair of fules? I hate my big nose and you hate your little nose. Maybe we could have an operation to swap noses it'll be like-"

"Nose Swap?"

"Exactamondo, _mon_ _nez_less pally,"

"_Oui, mon grand nez_ _ami_,"

I said, "Dave, your froggie is a lot better than last time. _Trés bon_,"

Dave said, "_Merci, mon _froggie_ est superbe. Oui, oui, je suis Jacque le_ Biscuit,"

I said, "_Oui, c'est trés superbe. Je suis ChatonChat. Tu est brillainte á le _froggie,"

Then Dave said, "You do know I am using my Froggie book to help me with this conversation, don't you?"

"Dave, you dreadful cheat,"

He said, "Ah, well. _C'est la vie_. Anyway, I must be away laughing on a fast camel. I have some revenge to plot against Imogen for showing you those videos. She didn't show you the Superman versus the Door one, did she?"

I said, "No, what happened in it?"

"Oh, nothing…"

"Dave,"

"Oh, fine then. Bear in mind I was even younger than the beach one, before you think I am a Class A idiot,"

"I am bearing that in mind. But I already believe you are a Class A idiot. Go on,"

"Well, when I was little I luuurved dressing up. Well, not just dressing up but I actually thought I was the character- yes, I know, mad or what? But anyway, this one day they were filming again and I was prancing around in a superman costume. And I had these fantastic goggle-watsits too. You know, like Superman has x-ray vision? Well, they were supposed to look like you are x-raying things, with little pictures over the lenses. But I actually believed I was seeing everything in x-ray. But I couldn't see anything else very well. And I was darting through the house, into the garden but I didn't see the patio door was shut. And I ran straight into it and knocked myself out,"

I was laughing like a vole in a skirt, "Oh, Dave. You are such a twit sometimes,"

"Just because I am good at making a mockery and sham of myself…"

"Hahahaha,"

"Anyway. I am drawing a blank on how to go about my revenge. All I have in my head are noses and goggles now. I was planning on doing something to do with baking soda. _Trés Amusante_ stuff, as you would say. Have you got any ideas?"

"Dave, you are too mean. But why don't you pour it in her shampoo or something? She'll never get it out of her hair then,"

Dave said, "Nah. I can't do that because I usually knick her shampoos,"

I said, in disbeliefiosity, "You steal her shampoos?"

He said, simply, "They smell nice,"

"You are mad,"

"No, YOU are mad,"

"Dave, you are the one who washes his hair in girly shampoos, runs into doors and is worried about having a small nose,"

"You are not going to leave that now I told you, are you?"

"What? The small nose?"

"Yep,"

"No, never,"

"Fine then, Ms. Gigantibus Conk,"

He called my nose GIGANTIBUS. If he wasn't on the other side of the phone, I would biff him one.

I said, "How dare you call my nose gigantibus! It isn't that big. Is it? It isn't, is it? Oh my Giddy God, it's the size of the moon isn't it? I am literally a nose on legs. Oh _Merde_. I am not a nose on legs am I?"

He said, "Georgia, I am going to hang up now,"

"Wait! My nose-"

He hung up. Typico.

_**3 minutes later**_

So, Dave doesn't like having a small nose?

_**2 minutes later**_

At least it is easier for him. He can pull it and try to stretch it. You can't shrink noses like that.

_**4 minutes later**_

At least I am well-suited for nose nuzzling. Maybe like I think 'Phoar! He has an excellent nip libbling technique' he thinks 'Phoar! She has an excellent nose nuzzling technique'.

Although I don't have a clue why he would be so obsessed with nose nuzzling.

_**2 minutes later**_

Because it actually quite yummy scrumboes. We should add it to the snogging scale.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phoned Jas.

"_Bonsoir_,"

"Hey, Jas,"

"Oh, Gee! Me and Tom went on a ram-"

"Have to be quick because my Vati is giving me the evil eye because me and Dave have just been discussing noses for half an hour. But I think we should add on nose nuzzling to the snogging scale. Dave's done it with me a few times and I've seen Ellen and Dec doing it,"

"Oo-er,"

"Jas, you are getting as bad as me, oo-er wise,"

"Yes, Ok then. Me and Tom have done it as well. What number? Less than four because it's not a kiss?"

I said, "But it does feel quite intimate doesn't it? I was thinking 5 ¼,"

Amazingly Jas agreed without any argument. Well, more accurately, I hung up.

_**10.45am**_

I cannot believe he washes his hair in girly shampoos. It is unbelievable, that is why.

_**3 minutes later**_

Next time I see him I am going to nuzzle into his hair and say 'Dave, you smell of strawberries' and see what he says to that.

_**1 minute later**_

Probably 'I am a strawberry flavoured Dave the Biscuit'.

_**3 minutes later**_

If he smells like a girl, does that make me a lesbian?

_**2 minutes later**_

Next thing I'll know is that he cleanses and exfoliates every night.

_**1 minute later**_

He is unusually lurker free…

OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas! I hope this isn't his more feminine side coming out.

_**1 minute later**_

Like Vati and his apron.

Oh Poo! I hope this isn't a sign he is leaning towards the leatherette Vati. He does like to talk about his feelings like Vati does.

_**2 minutes later**_

_Scheissen Hausen_! I think he may be becoming leatherette Vati! He'll be donning lederhosen next time I see him.

_**1 minute later**_

Phoned Dave. Again.

"Biscuit Land here, Dave the Biscuit speaking,"

"Dave, you need to be more original,"

"Kittykat? You again? Blimey, I am well loved today, aren't I?"

"Dave, what is your opinion on lederhosen?"

"Lederhosen?"

"Yes, lederhosen. You know, leather trousers,"

"I know what lederhosen is, Gee, I just want to know why you are asking me,"

"Oh…no reason,"

"Well, in that case, my retired Hornmeister thoughts on the matter are; leather jackets, yes, leather shoes, yes, leather trousers, always no,"

"Ah, I knew you were stylish like that,"

"Oh no. It is just I find them hard to walk in,"

I was about to ask him how did he know that and had he worn them before then, when my own Leatherette Vati shouted, "Oy! Georgia! Off the phone! Money doesn't grow on trees, you know!"

I said, "Dave, I'll have to go. I may have wasted five pence, TTFN,"

"S'later,"

_**5 minutes later**_

S'later…

_**2 minutes later**_

He said S'later. Does he want me to see him then?

_**1 minute later**_

When is later?

_**5 minutes later**_

Hmmm. Maybe as Ms. Stalker I should decide that…

_**10 minutes later**_

I waited until the Portly One was cooking sausages in the kitchen and I phoned Dave. Again.

"Gee? Do you have the phone strapped to your head or are you just so in luuurve with me you have to phone me every five minutes?"

I said, "It is just that I am in luuurve with your biscuitinosity. I am coming round,"

He said, "No you are not,"

"Why not?"

"Why do you think? To keep you away from Imogen. Or in fact all of them, Kittykat. I don't carry off the blushing-beetroot-look very well,"

I said, "Dave, keep your little nose put, I am coming around, get your PANTS ready, S'later,"

And I hung up on him.

_**2 minutes later**_

See what I did!? I said 'S'later' to the Laugh! And told him to get his PANTS ready. Hahaha.

_**15 minutes later**_

My Elderly Loons seem to have forgotten I am grounded. They are in the garden. I can hear giggling. I think they are playing tig. What ever it is it sound vair, vair disgusting.

I left a note encase they realise their darling daughter is gone (i.e. in three days time).

_Dear Mentally Unstable Parental Loons,_

Actually, wait. That's not right, is it?

_Dear Mentally Unstable Loons,_

_Just a quick note to let you know I am going out. I have had one of Vati's Sausages for Lunch. I am sure you will forgive me for trying not to starve. _

_I am going to Biscuit Land, to see a Biscuit. Be back some time. Maybe._

_Love Gee xxx_

Hahaha. _Trés Amusante_! Biscuit land to see a Biscuit! They will never know I am off to see Dave! Hahahaha.

_**House of Laugh**_

_**Midday**_

I rang the door bell. They took a squillion years to answer but it eventually Vati Laugh came to the door. Phew, and that means I wouldn't have to talk with my 'Chums' Mutti Laugh or Sister Laugh. He just said, "Hi," and told me that Dave was in his room and I'd best zoom up before Mutti and Sister Laugh realise I am here. I asked him why and he said, "Well, for me anyway, their constant nattering sends me to sleep" and he turned around to go into the living room. And I realised he was telling the truth about falling asleep. Because someone had drawn a smiley face on the back of his head.

I wonder who…?

_**3 minutes later**_

I opened Dave's door and he was half under his bed, chucking out junk from underneath it, etc.

I said, "Hi, Little Nose,"

He said, looking at me, "Hey, Big Nose," but he said it in a nice, funny way. As funny as someone under the bed can be. He seemed to be looking for something.

I said, "What are you looking for?"

He pointed towards his tarantula's cage. The top was off and it was empty.

I said, "Gadzooks! That thing is out!?"

Dave said, "Yes. Nash decided he wanted to 'play' with him which basically means poking him. But he left the lid open and the Mad Hairy One climbed out. He obviously wanting to explore, heeding the call of the Amazon Rainforest. Unfortunately he found out he was in my bedroom instead. Although with all this mess, it is probably like the Amazon Rainforest. Without all the flowers and trees because otherwise I'll have a Jas and Tom infestation,"

I said, still hanging by the door, "Is that where it is from? The Amazon Rainforest?"

Dave said, throwing a box out from underneath his bed, "I have no idea. I only got him to scare Imogen off. I wanted a trained flying squirrel actually. But there wasn't any,"

"A trained flying squirrel?"

"Yep, have you seen them on TV? They are brilliant. I love them. I could walk around with it on my shoulder and then when Imogen decided to mess with my stuff I could say, 'Fly, my pretty, fly!!' and the squirrel will attack her. How fab and coolio would that be?"

"You are mad,"

"Exactly, I'd be Dave the Mad Squirrel Man, going up for world domination,"

What is he on about? As usual, I'll be the last to know.

He said, "Are you going to come in or not? I don't want it to run out the door past you,"

I went in and sat on his bed. The Tarantula wouldn't be able to climb up here would it?

_**2 minutes later**_

I was sitting on his bed while he was digging his way underneath it when he chucked a small tatty teddy bear onto the bed next to me.

He said, "There. You seem to like things from when I was little, seeing as you liked that video,"

I said, "Aaaaw! Was this your bear from when you were a baby?"

He said, "Yup. Cute little thing wasn't I back then?"

I said, looking at the bear, "Deffo Dave. Aaaaw, this is so sweet. You do know you are never going to get me to let go of this bear now? I am going to cuddle it for the next centuary,"

He said, "Who'd have thought it. My competition in luuurve now is my own boo bear,"

"Boo Bear?!"

"Oh...Bugger. I said that out loud didn't I?"

I nodded and he stole the bear off me and shoved it in a box labelled 'Kiddie Crap'. Hmp. I'm going to fish it out and put it in his bed when he isn't looking. Boo Bear. Hahahaha.

He is worse at keeping his mouth shut than I am.

**_3 minutes later_**

I said, "Dave, you seem to go in circles, personality-wise,"

"What do you mean, Kittykat?"

"You go from being all lovey-dovey one day to being Unlaughish the next to being over-talkative in a mad way the next,"

He didn't know what to say to that. But it is true. And that is _le_ fact.

_**5 minutes later**_

I watched him chucking junk here and there and everywhere.

I said, "I cannot believe you wash your hair in girly shampoos. Do you cleanse and exfoliate every night too?"

He said, "No. I am just a natural born beauty,"

I said, "A suspiciously lurker-free beauty. Are you sure you don't want to own up, Dave? It is ok if you have a more feminine side. You can admit it,"

He sat amongst his junk and did pretend beard stroking and then said, "I do sometimes read Imogen's Girly Magazines when she is not about. You girls are full of utter WUBBISH by the way,"

I said, "Dave! Are you on the turn?"

He looked at me then said, "Gee, can someone like me who at the moment has a gorgy sex kitty sitting on his bed be called a Homosexualist?"

I said, "You never know. I could be just a decoy duckie, to hide your true self,"

He threw his jacket at me. He is so violent.

_**10 minutes later**_

I sat there watching Dave search through his mountains of junk.

He said, sitting on the bed next to me, "Phew. I am incredibly tuckered. When ever you come over here, you always seem to see me tuckered. Why is that? I think it may have something to do with the fact this is a very tuckering house. And this is a very tuckering bedroom. I have too much junk. And I never tidy up and that is because I simply cannot be bothered because I am too tuckered most the time,"

I said, "Dave, forgive me if I'm wrong, but are you talking to yourself?"

Dave said grinning, "Force of habit,"

"Which means...?"

"I always sit here talking to myself,"

"What, out loud? Are you bonkers?"

"No, I am a quite a good conversationalist, actually. And that is what I do. Have conversations with myself. I'll sit here in an evening and I'll say, 'So how was your day, Dave?' 'Ah, well, Dave, I was played a bit of footie around the park with my mates' 'So the usual then?' 'Actually, Dave, it was quite unusual, we didn't have Sven barging in today' 'Really, Dave?' 'Yep, I think he went to a Fish Exhibit, Dave' 'Oh that's nice, Dave' 'Deffo, Dave,"

I just looked at him. It can't be true. Can it?

I said, "So when you have no one to talk to you talk to yourself?"

He said, "Yep,"

I said, "Well I'll tell you one thing you cannot do yourself. And that is snog. And I am still withholding them. How's your snogging withdrawal? You can't snog yourself to make it better,"

He said, "Yes I can. I even entice myself, see. Snogging Withdrawal can be defeated by snogging the back of the hand. A trick I've learnt from you girls, no less…Oh, God, I've just realised how bad that sounded coming from me as a bloke. Hand,"

I said, "Erlack, Dave! That's disgusting! You are too rudey dudey,"

"I'm a guy, I can't help it. Talking about those things I mean, not…Should I shut up now?"

"Yes, Dave, you should,"

We sat in silence for a bit and he said, "Are you getting snogging withdrawal too?"

I said, "Blimey, Dave! I've only not snogged you for a day,"

"But are you? I mean up until recently you had two fellows on the go encase you fancied some. Three if you include Robbie,"

"DAVE!! Can you not talk about that?"

"You are restricting me incredibly on what I can talk about. But anyway, you still haven't answered me, have you got snogging withdrawal?"

"Maybe a little,"

"Would you like me to make that better?" and before I could stop him, he leaned in to snog me. But he stopped just centimeters from my lips. "Keep very, very still,"

What in the name of pantibus is he talking about?

"What in the name of pantibus are you talking about?"

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"What's the good news?"

"The Good News is that I have found the Mad Hairy One,"

"And the bad…?"

"It's on your back,"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

_**3 minutes later**_

"Blimey, Gee. You're shaking! It's Ok, I've got it now. Look,"

"KEEP THAT BLOODY THING AWAY FROM ME!!"

Dave shrugged. He had the Mad Hairy One on his hand. It was wiggling its stupid legs at me, like it was teasing me. I felt all shivery. It had been on my back. Erlack a Pongoes.

Dave said, as it carried on waving at me like a waving thing, "Honestly, Sex Kitty. It is probably scared of you. You are a giant to it. Don't let me get started on your nunga nungas. Go on, it won't hurt you,"

"Dave, hell will freeze over before I touch that thing,"

"Go on. Chicken,"

I was about to say 'I am not a chicken. I just have morals' when I did something that I even shocked myself with. I very lightly stroked the Mad Hairy One's back. Erlack.

_**2 minutes later**_

I cannot believe I am doing this. It is unbelievable that is why. I am holding a tarantula. Me, Georgia Nicolson, is holding a tarantula. Gadzooks!

Well, actually it is sort of climbing around my arm…

But it is sort of nice. In a disgusting, furry way.

Dave said, "See. It's fine. It doesn't bite. Well, actually it does. But only if you are irritating it,"

Bite?

"Do you want it back now?"

"It likes you,"

"Dave! Please get it off me, NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, Sex Kitty,"

And he put it back in its cage. Phew!

And then he came back over and sat on my lap and said, "Soooo, Kittykat. Where were we? Ah yes, I was curing you of your snogging withdrawal…"

I very, nearly puckered up and then I said, "Oh, nice try Mr. Laugh, but I see through your façade. You are trying to get rid of your own snogging withdrawal. But I'm not giving up like that," and shoved him off my lap.

And I flopped down on his bed with my arms crossed. I like to think I looked dignified. That is what I like to think.

He sat next to me for a bit, stroking my hair. I know why he seems to like it when I do that to him. It is vair, vair fabby. He was running his fingers through my fringe. Brillopads!

And then he said, "Would you want a drink, Ms. Sex Kitty?"

I said, "What would it be, Mr. Laugh? I saw Nash drinking ketchup the other day. I don't really fancy that,"

Dave said, "Erlack. No, I mean my special specialty,"

"Your specialty?"

"Yep. Ice Cream Cola,"

"What are you talking about? Ice Cream Cola?"

"It is ice cream mixed with cola,"

"Erlack,"

"No, it is actually really nice,"

I looked at him and he was looking all smiley at me, so I sighed and said, "Go on then. But if you make me sick, I am aiming at you,"

Dave said, "Oh, come on Kittykat, a bit of trust? It is not like I am going to poison you,"

I waited until he was out of the room and I said, "You might, Little Nose,"

And he said, "Heard that, Big Nose,"

_**5 minutes later**_

Blimey. He is taking a long time. All he has to do is pour some cola and then dunk ice cream in it. It is not like my specialty when you have to stir the coffee until your wrist hurts like billio.

And then I heard from downstairs his Mutti say, "So, are you going to tell me what is going on with you and Georgia?"

I stayed as quiet as a mouse. Two mice. They were talking in whispers but I could still here them.

Dave said, "Nope,"

I could hear Nash singing in the background. I think he was singing about Spaghetti Bolognese. He was singing, "Lots an' Lots of saucy in the pot. Mix it with strings and lots of wormeys! We make spaggy bol!"

Dave's Mutti said, "Come on. You can tell me. I'm your mum,"

Dave said, "That is exactly why I don't want to tell you,"

Nash said, "Mixy mixy, let the wormeys go round, put in the play dough, Ooooh yes, yes, yes,"

Dave said, "Why do you suddenly want to know all this, anyway?"

His Mutti said, "Because Imogen said you were unhappy,"

Dave said, in a surprisingly vicious-type of way, "Imogen is an exaggerative cow of first water who can't keep her mouth shut,"

Imogen called through to them, "Thank you, Dave,"

Nash was still singing, "Ooooh, lots of 'gredien's for spaggy bol! A bit of chocolate, a bits of jam, a bits of bananaaaa,"

Dave said, "My private life is absolutely none of your businesses,"

Dave's Mutti said, "Actually-"

Then Dave's Vati said, "The boy's right, hun. Leave him alone. Now, sit down and help me with five-across…"

Dave's Mutti said, "I can't, because unlike you, I don't sit on my backside all day. I've got dinner to cook!"

Nash sang, "AND LOTS OF CARROTS! YES! LOTS AND LOTS OF CARROTS! AND WE SEE IN THE DARK!!"

Dave said, "Erm…Mum? I think Nash is trying to help you cook…"

Dave's Mutti said, "Nash! Get away from the dinner! Oh my God! What have you put in it?"

Nash said, "Well…there are carrots, and chocolate and jam and carrots and banana and more carrots and play dough,"

"You put play dough in the dinner?! Nash! You've RUINED it!"

Nash shouted, "FOR CHRISTS SAKE MUMMY! I AM TRYING TO COOK! GET OUT MY KITCHEN! SKEDADDLE! NOW WHERE IS THE BLOODY CORNFLAKES!?"

Imogen shouted, "Can you shut that kid up! I can't hear the TV!"

Dave's Vati said, "I'm sure China can though! Turn it down; you will blow the speakers,"

And they all started ranting. I heard Dave coming back up the stairs.

He said, as he came in through the door, "Special Delivery for Miss. Nicolson!" and gave me one of the drinks. I tried it. It was actually vair, vair yummy scrumboes. I did a 'mmm' sound and Dave grinned at me.

Then we heard from downstairs, "NASH! STOP throwing food!"

"FOODS FIGHT!!"

"Who's drawn a smiley face on the back of my head?"

And they all carried on arguing at a billion decibels.

Dave rolled his eyes and shook his head which made me laugh.

I said, "I'd never thought I'd see the day when you were the quietest one somewhere,"

Dave said, "It is not that I am quiet, it is that I cannot be bothered to shout all the time. You should hear them all in the morning, they sound like they have had their throats scrubbed with a brillopad," and turned on his music. Loud. So we couldn't hear the Family Loons squawking at each other. And he just lay down on the bed next to me with his eyes closed.

I said, "What are you doing, Dave?"

He said, "Meditating. Keep your eyes open and you might see me float,"

Of course.

_**Half an**__** hour later**_

We listened to the whole CD through until it just stopped after the last track. It was quite quiet now because his elderly loons had shut up finally. I dread to think of what mess Nash has made in the kitchen.

It was all quiet and I was lying next to Dave. He was still all silent. But I know he hadn't fallen asleep because he had his eyes open. But then he might be able to fall asleep with his eyes open and be an open-eye-sleeper- ShutupShutupShutup.

The nub and gist of it was that he was all quiet. But I don't think he was meditating anymore, I think he was just deep in thought (Freaky Deaky). I wonder what about?

Aaaaaaaaw. He can be so deep and thoughtful sometimes. Which is good, especially when it's about me. I wonder whether he is thinking about me? I wonder whether he is deciding whether to go out with me or not?

I said, sitting up, "Dave, when are you going to stop this WUBBISH and go out with me?"

Dave stopped thinking and did smiley-eyes at me. And then he sat up too, "I keep telling you; to end a chase, you must make a catch,"

Ooooh. He is so irritating! I am sick of these stalking japes.

I said, "Fine then," and I lunged at him and pinned him down, "Caught ya,"

He then flipped us over so he was on top-Oo-er! "Or have I caught you?"

I flipped us back over and sat on him, "Nope, I've caught you,"

And he just raised his eyebrows but didn't flip us back. Even though I am sure he would be able to if he tried, everyone knows the boy-type folks are strong. He just looked up at me, into my eyes. Well, I could occasionally see his eyes drift more nunga-wards. Typico. But I suppose he couldn't help it. I was probably giving him an eye full. Not literally, I hope.

I looked at him for a bit and then I leant down and vair, vair gently kissed him on the lips. Just a little kiss. With a mousy little nip libble. And then I leant away back from him. He was sort of glazed over and still half puckered up. Hahahaha. I truly am a sex kitty of first water.

And then he said, "Georgia, you teasing minx,"

It sort of reminded me of when he pinned me up against the tree and I started puckering up. In a reverse type way. Him being me, me being him, if you know what I mean and I think you do. He looked a bit confused and phased as it happened.

So I said, like he had, "Say you want to snog me senseless and turn me into vegetable girl,"

He realised what I was doing and grinned. And he said it straight away. He has no pridnosity.

Then I said, "Say you love me,"

Dave smirked, "Miss Kittykat, I love you,"

Fabby! Maybe I've hypnotised him? Final Question…

Then I said, "So now will you be my official snogging partner? No more games?"

He said, "But I find the games rather fun!"

_Merde_. How much persuading does one Laugh need? I leant down again and snogged him. Number 6 ½. I felt him go a bit jelloid and he said, "Nnughhh," OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas! I have given him stupid brain! I have given the laugh stupid brain! I am a Luuurve Goddess in disguise.

And then I whispered in his ear, "Mr. Laugh the Stubborn, will you plight your troth and be my official snogging partner?"

And then he flipped us over and snogged me to an inch of my life. And then he said, "Yes,"

_**4.00pm**_

I think me and Dave have quite possibly broken the records for the longest snog. We have been snogging non-stop for hours. Well, obviously we had to stop to breathe. Otherwise we would be dead.

But if I died now, I would die happy. Because I am officially Georgia the Girlfriend of a Laugh!! Yes, yes and three times yes.

_**3 minutes later**_

We are both completely tuckered. Snogging takes a lot out of you. We just lay down, all tired and cuddled up. We were both really jelloid. It was amazing.

I could see the 'tattoo' Dec had drawn on him with permanent marker. It said 'Georgia'. It was really nice writing. I stroked it slightly.

Dave said, "That tickles,"

I just looked at him and he looked at me and it was brillopads with knobs. I can't believe I took so long to realise I liked him. He is so coolio looking and a marvy person.

We were about to recommence operation: snog the daylights out of each other (and the nightlights for that matter) when Dave's Mutti shouted up, "Dave?! Can you come down here?"

Dave said, "Just ignore that," and carried on snogging me again. Really little number sixes. It was vair, vair groovy with knobs.

And then Dave's Mutti yelled again, "DAVID! Get down here, NOW!! Explain this to me!"

Dave shouted back, "What ever it is, I haven't done it!"

"Well, it's got your name on it!"

"Huh?" And then he sighed and said, "Come on Kittykat, let's go and face the music," and he did some mad ad-hoc dancing. Hell's Bells!

_**2 minutes later**_

When we got down the stairs I said, "Why do you always drag me with you when you get told off?"

He said, "Encase I get scared and need you to hold my hand, my gorgey girlfriend- oh! That feels brilliant to say!!" and he snogged me in the hallway (!).

And that is when Dave's Mutti walked in. Dave leapt away from me like a leaping salmon. I went beetroot. She just looked at us but decided to pretend she didn't see and told us to come into the living room. Imogen was lying on the three-seater sofa with sunglasses on.

Dave said, "Why is she in here? I don't want her stirring,"

Imogen said, "Don't mind me, I'm sun bathing,"

Bear in mind she is indoors and the curtains were closed. It begs to question her sanity.

Dave's Mutti said, "Just sit down,"

So Dave sat on the arm of the one seater sofa. I sat in the seat part because I am a normal Norma-type person like that.

Mutti Laugh said, "Not on the arm, Dave," so he slid off the arm and sat on my lap instead. He is not light.

Dave said, "So what have I supposingly done now and been foolish enough to write my name on?"

"School Report,"

"Pants,"

Dave sneakily reached my hand and squeezed it. I remember about him saying if he was scared and it made me laugh. I had to nuzzle into the back of his hair so they couldn't see me laughing like a loon. His hair didn't smell of strawberries or girly shampoo. It smelt quite boyish actually. Which was nice. But I got my face all sticky from the gel in his hair. Erlack!

I think it was tickling him because he went all shaky like he was trying not to laugh and he elbowed me to try and get me to cut it out. Which made me all spazzy and next thing I knew, we were having an uncontrollable fit of laughter out loud. We just could not stop. Do have those moments when you know you should really stop laughing but every time you stop, you look at the other person and you start off again? We had that.

Dave's Mutti and Imogen were looking like we had gone officially bonkers. We are just having troth-plighting hysterics.

Mutti Laugh said, "I am glad you find it so funny, but you won't be finding it so funny later in life. Why have you failed every single one of your mocks?"

Dave said, "I haven't failed every single one of them. I know for a fact in Spanish I got a B. You were there when the marks were given out, weren't you Kittyka- err, Georgia? I got a B fair and square,"

I wouldn't say 'fair and square'. He just said a poshed up version of 'I don't know'. But live and let live I say. Ho hum pigs bum.

Dave's Mutti said, "It says for Spanish 'not applicable',"

Dave said, "The pig. After all my hard work too,"

"And it says under general attitude, 'Hopelessly immature and a childish disruptive influence on the class',"

Dave and me had a laughing spaz again. Mutti Laugh looked at us like she was thinking 'no wonder'.

Mutti Laugh said, "Look, carry on like that and you'll set a bad example to Nash,"

And all eyes sort of drifted to Nash. He was watching boogie beebies on the TV, you know, the naff kids programme when they try to get them to dance like diggers and jellyfish. He was dancing around in his dancing gear; a 'kiss the cook' apron, Imogen's high heels and a full drag queen make over. Good Grief.

I said, "Oh dear, Dave. Have you been setting him a bad example?"

Dave said, "Mum, I fear Nash may be more lenient towards the transexualist way of life. If I have to 'understand' why he likes to be called Nashabella later in life, it may be more than blood can stand. I think we should put restrictions on high heels in this house, before it gets out of hand,"

Dave's Mutti said, "If Nash wants to dress like that, it is his choice,"

Which made Dave wet himself laughing. Not literally, thank Lord Sandra, as he was sitting on my lap.

Nash stopped dancing and shouted, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, DAVEY! STOPS YOUR BLOODY LAUGHIN'! NO ONES UNDERSTANDS ME!" and ran off. I had to hold 'Davey' on my lap to stop him falling off. Where do Toddly-Folk learn these things? It is not normal anyway.

I fear this is the type of family I have become associated with having Dave as a boyfriend. A boyfriend who is in absolute hysterics at the moment.

_**2 minutes later**_

When Dave finally calmed down he had to face the old lecture 'you-won't-get-a-good-job-if-you-don't-get-good-grades'. He nodded for as long as was humanely possible.

And then Imogen said, "Mum, I don't think you need to worry about him not having any skills,"

Dave looked at her suspiciously.

Imogen got up and walked over to the door, "According to his girlfriend, he 'has an excellent nip libbling technique',"

And she walked off. Dave looked like he was going to die. Not of laughing this time.

Hmmm. I understand what he means he doesn't carry off the blushing-beetroot-look very well.

Dave's Mutti said, "Err…we will talk about this some, um, other time," and went out. Dave just turned around to look at me.

I said, "What?"

He said, "You told my sister about how I snog?"

I said, "Err…well, she made me,"

He said, "Unbelievable,"

* * *

**Dave and Georgia are finally tog****ether!! I have been dying to write that for zonks! And I am now half way through the fanfic. Ooooh. **

**I luuurve writing Nash. And you know like I said the inspiration of him came from my own brother…well, lets just say we stuffed his top full of flannels so he had nunga nungas. I filmed him and took it to school and showed everyone. He isn't going to like me when he is older, is he?**

**Anyway, they returnio to School tomorrow. I hope you like their conversation about noses. I sure did.**


	9. Came Over All Hieroglyphic

**I am at my nan's house at the moment, because I reaaaally don't want to go caravanning with my mum and also I reaaaallly need to get my homework done. But I think I've done well today- I've done for Art a picture of a Toucan, duck, parrot, Rat and mouse and also have done some Japanese. And a knitting sample. And had my nails painted for me, so all is brillo pads. Apart from her new fridge is making wieeeerrrd noises…**

**You would not believe how excited I was to see my reviews had gone past 100!!**

**Hi, I Heart Dave the Laugh (no, I mean the user although I do, lol!) Nash doesn't really have a story line, he is there for the comedy value and I just get ideas off what my brother does for him. **

* * *

**Came Over All Hieroglyphic**

_**Wednesday June 18**__**th**_

_**7.50am**_

Fan-flipping-tastic. School today.

_**2 minutes later**_

At least it is not Stalag 14. It is Foxwood because of the burning-down-situation type fandango.

And although we have twice the amount of Nazi Patrollers, we have the boys for light entertainment and giggles.

_**1 minute later**_

And most importantly. I have Dave the Laugh. Who, encase anyone hadn't noticed; is my official snogging partner! Yes, yes and three times YESSS.

_**4 minutes later**_

Which means I am not destined to be a goose gog at Lunch, watching my friends snogging like loons. They have no pridnosity.

_**2 minutes later**_

I do. I am a trothed woman bursting with trothinosity; I shall heed the Specific Horn.

_**4 minutes later**_

Maybe when I had the cosmic horn for Dave the Laugh it was Big G's way of pushing me towards him. Like fate. Fabby. Maybe God does care?

Or maybe Buddha had words…

_**3 minutes later**_

How much 'natural' make up do you think I can get away with? With me being away for the last gazillion years, do you think the Oberfuhrers may have forgotten what I look like?

_**1 minute later**_

I could put on a lot of foundation and they would think I had perfecto skin.

_**30 seconds later**_

Yeah, right. I bet Hawkeye has a measuring tape to measure how much foundation you are wearing.

And it'll will a different one to her skirt-type measuring tape. Colour coded.

And that is the sadinosity of her life.

_**5 minutes later**_

I looked out my window. I will feel like a little prisoner who walks into the light blinking when I go back to school.

_**2 minutes later**_

I can see Mr. Next Door with Snowy and Whitey on their leads. Probably to take them to dog school. To learn how to beg. Or whatever the vair, vair sad teach their dogs.

To learn how to play dead may be a good idea. Then Angus and Cross-eyed Gordy may leave them alone. Go play with something that moves. Like a car.

Where are the mad cats anyway?

_**1 minute later**_

Uh-Oh. They are lurking on the wall at the end of the road. Even Naomi has come out to watch, displaying her bottom like a slutty, furry cheerleader. It is disgusting.

And they SCORE! It was marvy in the extreme. Cross Eyed Gordy jumped on Mr. Next Door's head and he let go of the Prat Poodles in shock. Then Angus chased them! Brillopads with knobs!

_**2 minutes later**_

I was so busy watching the Kittykats; I didn't notice a very Cheeky Cat waving to me like a loon underneath my window.

I opened the window, "Dave? Have you come to serenade me, underneath my window?"

Dave said, "I can if you want, but beware, I cannot sing, I warble," and he did some pretendy opera singing, with one hand on his heart, which made me laugh like a proverbial drain.

I said, "I'll pass, do you want to come in?"

"I won't be shocked by feather codpieces, will I?"

"That's the strange man who pretends to be my uncle,"

"Shame, shame. I was needed to talk to him about the way of the laugh-o-gram,"

I like to think he is joking. That is what I like to think.

_**1 minute later**_

I opened the front door and let Dave in. He was looking vair, vair gorgey porgey in his school uni. Well, his idea of school uni, which was shirt loose, tie around his head, trainers and a hoodie underneath his blazer. But still groovy-looking in the extreme. He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which was nice. Seeing as he is my boyfriend now.

Then Mutti came Mutti-ing in, with her most disturbing top yet. She really has out done herself prozzie-wise. It was one of those shirts that tie under the nunga nungas, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

She said, "Hi, Dave, you coming in for a bit? School today? You were suspended like Georgia, weren't you? Must be nice to get back, huh? You look really nice in your school uni-"

"MUM!!" and I had to drag Dave upstairs before she could carry on.

Dave said, as I shoved him into my bedroom, "That is not fair, I had to put up with my Loons embarrassing me, it is only fair you have the same,"

I said, "Did you hear what she was saying?"

He said, "Yes, she was saying I was nice looking in my school uni,"

I said, "Erlack a pongees, I think she fancies you, erlack,"

"Erlack?"

"Yes, she is my Mutti and you are half her age!"

"She cannot help it, I am Jack the Biscuit. Anyway, I have said it once and I have said it again; I quite fancy your mum,"

"Oy, Mister Laugh, you are my boyfriend!"

"Dare not I forget it, oh come here, give me a snog,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave lay on my bed as I put on my natural make up. He was sort of half hanging off my bed and watching me in a funny upside-down type way.

I said, "Sorry if I am boring you, but this is the pain us girls go through to make ourselves beautiful,"

Dave said, "It's quite fascinating to watch, actually. The way of make up remains a mystery to us boys. Well, most boys anyway. We cannot get the drag queen slap off Nash,"

I said, "Oh dear, is he going to skive off Nursery? I bet he's embarrassed, in a beetroot, transexualist way,"

Dave said, "No, he is thrilled to pieces. He says the girls will let him play tea parties with them in the Wendy House now,"

I said, "Good Grief,"

Dave said, "Good Grief, indeedio. I hope he doesn't turn out Homosexualist as well, because he truly would be the shame of the family,"

I said, "That is not very nice, Dave. And you forget, you are the one who admitted you use girly shampoo,"

Dave said, poking my pillow nosily, "That is different. At least I do not wear make up. And I never will,"

I said, "Oh really?" and quick as a quick thing on quick tablets, I smudged some blusher on his one cheek.

"Kittykat!" and he pushed me out of the mirror to inspect the damage himself, "Do you like the Homosexualist look in a boy or something?" and he went off to wash it off in the bathroom.

Hahahahahaha.

_**5 minutes later**_

I went out of my room to find Dave cornered by Vati. Vati was asking him all the naff, loony parent type questions like 'How did you to meet?' 'How long have you gone out?' 'What do you to get up to?' (!) Dave was looking actually quite casual and calm about it. Even though Vati was interrogating him like he thought he was the Godfather or something. I thought he was going to get a cigar out. He HAS got a cigar. OhmyGiddyGod'sPyjamas!

I said, "Sorry, Vati, school is a-calling, and time and tide waits for no pants," and pulled Dave out the front door with me.

"What was he saying?"

Dave shrugged, "Oh, nothing much, just stuff,"

I said, in a warning type of way, "Dave,"

Dave said, smirking slightly, "He asked whether we snog or not,"

I am going to KILL Vati.

I said, "Hell's Bells! What did you say?"

"That we play snap instead,"

Of course.

Dave said, "I like to think he believed me. That is what I like to think,"

I said, "You seem remarkable coolio and caz about all this. Aren't you scared of him?"

Dave said, "He was wearing leather trousers,"

Naturally.

_**2 minutes later**_

We were walking along, hand-in-hand, like a proper girlfriend-boyfriend type couple when Dave stole my beret and put it on his own head.

He walked with me like nothing happened until I said, "Will you give me my beret back, you no-good beret thief?"

And he said, "_Je ne parle pas anglais. En _Froggie?"

Oh, Good Grief. He thinks he's Froggie-a-go-go-enese again. I think Official Snogging Partnership has gone to his brain.

I said, "_Je demande mon _Beret,"

He said, "_Non_,"

"_S'il vous plait?"_

"_Non, je suis Jacques le _Biscuit_,"_

"_Tu est,_ how you say, _un petite_ nincompoop,"

"_Non, non, je suis superbe, oui, oui, je suis Jacques le_ Biscuit,"

I said, "Dave, I think you pretend to be bad at Froggie, but you are secretly quite good at it. Which means you have bothered to learn, which means you are not as coolio and bad at school as you make out,"

Dave looked at me for a bit then said, "_En _Froggie_, s'il vous plait?"_

I biffed him.

_**2 minutes later**_

Ho hum pig's bum. Dave said part of the package of acting Froggie is French Kissing.

Yummy Scrumboes. And also Scrummy Yumboes.

_**5 minutes later**_

Dave was still wearing my beret when we got to Jas' house. She was waiting on her wall with Tom. She was looked all oggly and trés voley. Because we were all snuggled up and holding hands and such like. She looked at us like a seeing eye dog, only not so attractive. But not for long because Dave ran over and scooped them both up in a bear hug and was saying, "_Bonsoir! Oui, oui, mon cheré_!" and gave them both a kiss on both cheeks, even Tom, which I am a bit worried about. But live and let live is what I say. I think he is just a bit over-excited about us being official and what-not.

Tom was saying, "Ok, Ok, calm down, mate, you'll squash the newt eggs,"

Dave quickly jumped off them both.

Jas looked at me, so I said, "He thinks he is French,"

She said, "Of course,"

_**2 minutes later**_

Dave and Tom sort of walked ahead, pushing each other in bushes and being boys and such like, and me and Jas sort off drifted behind.

Jas said, "So, are you still stalking Dave?"

I said, "Nope, we are going out!"

Jas said, "What, properly, like me and Tom are?"

I said, "Yes, minus the newts and twigs,"

"No Red Bottomosity?"

"Nope,"

"No Cosmic Horn?"

"Nope,"

"No hand in the bushes?"

"Jas I am not that obsessed with wild life, I do not go sticking my hand in bushes,"

I thought she was going to get onto the huff mobile but she grinned this really, really scary grin. And she says that my smile is bad and spreads my nose. Hers makes her fringe seem twice as fringey. Possibly on fringe tablets. If a fringe could eat. But I don't know, her fringe seems to consume most of her forehead. Shut up.

Jas said, "Oh, I am thrilled for you, Gee!" and gave me a hug (!). I said, "Gerrof, gerrof, you lezzy" but hugged her back. And then Tom shouted, "Group Hug!" and Dave shouted, "_Oui_," and they both sort of latched on to us. Which was nice, but I got squashed into Jas and there was a bit of nunga nunga contact. Erlack a Pongoes!

And an old woman was staring at us like two short staring things. She probably thought we were mad. But we aren't. We are all just a bit hysterical.

Then Dave shouted over to her, "Join in, _mon ancienne ami! _You know you want to_, oui?_ Feel the luuurve!" and she huffed off. And then someone fell over and we all tumbled onto the path.

I could here the old woman saying to her handbag, "Kids today! Drunk, I expect,"

What larks!!

_**8.40am**_

We got to the school gates and Hawkeye hadn't been able to resist the call of the pants, glaring-duties-wise. It must be like some sort of treat to her to be able to tell boys of as well, shouting at them to put their ties on and stop strangling each other. Not that they listened to her, they told her not very politely to mind her business. But I bet she was secretly thrilled because she could get them in detention for rudeness. She was all red faced and happy.

I said, pleasantly, "Good morrow to you, Ms. Heaton,"

She said, "Don't you dare disgrace us again, Miss Nicolson before you get in! Tug that skirt down,"

Dave said, "Oo-er,"

She said, "And you, give her back her beret,"

Dave said, doing innocent-eyes, "_Quoi? Je suis francais_, _mademoiselle_,"

I said, as I lengthened my skirt, "He's French, he doesn't speak English,"

And Hawk eye actually asked him to give back the beret in French. Unbelievable!!

Dave was laughing like a loon on loon tablets. He said, when we got away from her, "She thinks I am froggie! Do I look froggie?"

I looked at him. He didn't really. I couldn't see him on the streets of Gay Paree, waving garlic and wearing stripey tops and all that jazz. Except for a laugh. But I did see he had got flat hair syndrome by wearing the beret.

I said, "You don't look Froggie, but you do look ridiculous. You have flattened all your hair,"

He said, "I think it looks quite fetching actually. Like I've ran into a brick wall,"

But when he thought I wasn't looking, he spiked it all up again, looking at his reflection in a classroom window. He is so vain.

I could never be like that.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder if Hawkeye noticed my make up?

_**30 seconds later**_

Dave has stolen my beret back. Luckily he is not talking Froggie anymore. Which is good.

_**2 minutes later**_

We got to the usual Barmy Army/ Ace Gang hang out and Dave shouted "The Vati returns!" and all his mates untangled themselves from their girlfriends. Which was nice, to show some respect.

And then Rollo shouted "PILE ON!!" and rugby tackled Dave the ground and Dec, Edward and Tom leapt on top of him in a big heap of boys. Oo-er.

And then Sven came bounding in with Rosie and said, "Oh, _ja_! Groovy, _ja_, big pile, nice and comfy, _ja_"

And Dave was shouting under the pile, "No, no, no! Not Sven!"

And Sven lunged on top. Dave raised his hand and said, "Ok, you've killed me,"

I shall, never, ever understand what is the mystery of boy kind.

_**1 minute later**_

Eventually the Barmy Army got bored with crushing Dave and got up. I said, helping him up, "Up you get Mr. Boyfriend,"

Jools said, all wide eyed "You two going out then?"

Dave said, "Yes,"

Dec said, "What, proper? No more stalking or whatever it was?"

I said, "Nope, proper, proper"

They were all looking at us like I was saying the Queen was really a man in drag. Although she might be, you never know with the royal types.

Rollo said, "I never know what is happening with you two. First you go out, then you use him, then you are mates, then Gee plays hard to get, then your mates, then Gee plays hard to get, then you argue, then Dave plays hard to get, now you're going out. What's going to happen next? Are you going to own a shop together?"

Good point, well made. Not.

_**2 minutes later**_

My and Dave's plighted troths were only cared about for a millisecond before our so called mates started snogging again. Typico.

_**8.50am**_

When we got into the Form Class, Bovril Woman gave me and Dave a lecture about 'letting the side down' vis-à-vis the suspension fandango.

She said, shaking her finger at us like a loon, "You've let me down, you've let the class down, you've the school down and most importantly you've let yourselves down,"

Dave said, "Sorry myself,"

I thought she was going to explode she went so purple.

_**2 minutes later**_

The nub and gist of it is that me and Dave have to go see Slim and The Foxwood Headmaster at break. I fear I will be bashed between chins and ears like a ping pong watsit.

And then Bovril woman carted us all off for assembly, poking us and threatening death to anyone who spoke or was slightly out of line.

I stood between Rosie and Dave. I could hear Dave saying to Dec, who was the other side of him, "Since when did we have assemblies?"

Dec said, "Since that fat woman decided. She says it will pull us all together,"

Dave said, "What nonsense. Last assembly I remember someone set a jumping jack off in it and then they were stopped because they were too dangerous. But it was only because a few first formers ended up in casualty,"

Good Grief.

_**Assembly**_

_**1 minute later**_

Cor! How squashed is in here? Vair, vair squashed, that is the answer. I am wedged in between Rosie and Mr. Laughy Laugh. It is so squashed I am virtually sitting on Dave's lap. Well, it may be more truthful to say I am on his lap. Because I am. Hawkeye was giving us the evil eye. But there is actually nowhere else to sit, and that is _le_ fact.

Rosie whispered, "Watch the ears, remember,"

Dave said, "What, you mean the waggly ears fiasco? We used to stick string behind our ears with blue tack and pull it to make our own waggle. It was our humble way of greeting him. To make him feel more accepted. The whole year were doing it at one point. Blimey, I must restart that again, it was hilarious,"

We had a sharp shush off Hawkeye.

Slim was over taking the stage- quite literally. She said, "Welcome girls and boys. This is our third assembly, and in light of the first incident of the stink bomb released, we have found the culprit and let you be aware, if we have any more incidents like that, we won't hesitate to reprimand,"

She was droning on and on and on whilst Mr. WE (Waggly-Ears) twitched in the background like some vair, vair weird backing dancer.

I whispered to Rosie, "Do you really reckon she belly dances?"

Rosie said, "Why not? She is a fine figure of a woman. In fact, she inspires me so much; I may have a pig out to achieve that vair, vair fashionable jelloidosity,"

And we had a giggling fit to end all giggling fits. Until I got the evil eye from Hawkeye again.

Then Mr. WE took the lead. "As I am sure- twitch- most of the boys are aware- twitch, twitch- the annual talent show is –twitch,- held on the last day of –twitcharama- the school year, which is this Friday," and he had such a spaz attack with excitement, Our Revered Head Mistress took over. Or more accurately; she barged him out the way with her many chins.

"Now, we know you boys have down a grand job of signing up but we were wondering whether any girls would like to do anything? We know it is very last minute but it may be good for any budding singer, promising musician or graceful ballerina,"

Ballerina? I ask you! Has she been living in the Stone Age?

I said to Dave, "Do you really have a talent show every year? That is so sad and crap and naff,"

Dave whispered back, "I've signed up,"

I had a silent giggling fit until he said, innocently, "What?"

"I just can't imagine you singing or dancing,"

Dave said, "Of course I won't be singing or dancing, Kittykat,"

I said, "Then what are you doing?"

"Guess,"

"Stand up Commedianing!"

"Bingo,"

I just looked at him with my eyebrows raised in what I hoped was an ironic way.

Dave said, "In the name of research, of course,"

"Research?"

"Yes I need to know how to entertain a crap audience so I don't mess up with a proper one,"

I thought about it. And for some reason it made sense.

"Fabby! I get to be the big laughing cheese!"

"Please don't,"

"Why not?"

"Because, Sex Kitty, a) You are supposed to be my no. 1 fan girl and b) It's very distracting and annoying if you laugh at what's not a funny part,"

"Fine then. I'll work on the giant sign tonight,"

Rosie said, "Err, no you won't, you will be making costumes with me,"

I said, "Why?"

Rosie said, "We are going to blow the school away with our Viking Dances Extraordinaire! That is why,"

"Brillopads!!"

"Err, Gee?" Dave said, "You do know you have just shouted Brillopads out in the middle of assembly, don't you?"

Everyone had turned around to look at me. Uh-Oh.

I looked around to see how bad Hawkeyes look of death was. It wasn't. She was flirting with the Foxwoods maths teacher. How horrific!

_**Physics**_

_Trés Amusante_.

Herr Kamyer is subbing in Physics for us. Which means that we have a nut case in Tartan Slacks teaching us some nonsense about the Big Bang.

Dave said, "He is branching out a bit, isn't he? I thought he was the German Teacher,"

I said, "Yes, but he has a double comedy value of being German and teaching us Physics,"

Dave said, "Excellent. Plenty of laughs in the laugh department, then?"

I told him about the incident last year when Herr Kamyer was demonstrating the vibrations of atoms with billiard balls. Which is all well and good apart from his unfortunate usage of a tea towel.

"…And he said, 'Ach, no, I merely use it to keep my balls still'!"

Dave was laughing like a proverbial loon on loon tablets.

_**Break**_

Time to face the music, Nazi Torture Chambers (Slim/ Mr. WE's office)-wise.

Dave said, as we went down the corridor to the offices, "Ah, this brings back old memories, I have been sent down here more times than I can count. They must truly luuurve me,"

I said, "What, because you misbehave so much and get into lots of trouble?"

He said, "Yes, I bring the spark of youth into the lives of the vair, vair dull,"

I said, "Dave, you just said 'vair',"

"And?"

"I say vair,"

"And?"

"And you said it,"

"And?"

"You have got another one of my words stuck in your head, like confusiosity,"

"And?"

"And that is my point,"

"And?"

I nearly biffed him, but Slim waddled out of the office and I didn't want to get in trouble for fisticuffs at dawn. Although it wouldn't technically be fisticuffs; it would be domestic abuse because I am duffing up my boyfriend. But Slim wouldn't understand. She has never experienced luuurve. Except with her Belly Dancing Fans. Erlack! Erlack! I must get Belly Dancing Slim out of my head. Hahahaha.

I wonder whether Mr. W.E. knows about his partner-in-crime's hobby? ShutupShutupShutup.

She told us to sit down on some chairs. They had quite a line up today, for the ear bashing. It was like a doctor's waiting room. Without the sick people or the elderly loons. There was one of the Blunder Boys and some little boy-type Midgets looking all scared and some gigantibus spoon. Slim called in the Blunder Boy.

I said to Dave, "It feels like we are on a conveyor belt, I thought we'd be all special seeing as we got suspended. But there are lots for the ear bashing,"

Dave said, "Welcome to Foxwoods,"

I sighed, "Well, with a bit of luck we will miss next lesson,"

Dave said, "I certainly hope so, its English next,"

"You really don't like the English Teacher do you?"

He just looked at me as if to say 'Isn't it obvious?' We just stayed sitting quietly for a bit. I say quietly but you could hear Slim yelling at the Blunder Boy in the office. I think Mr. W.E. is going to be sad when she goes. He doesn't look like one who could summon up a shouting-type voice. "FIGHTING IS SIMPLY NOT ACCEPTABLE IN THIS SCHOOL OR ANY OTHER SCHOOL!! YOU ARE GOING TO WRITE LINES UNTIL YOUR HAND FALLS OFF AND THEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE HUNG DRAWN AND QUARTERED!" Blah blah blah.

Then Dave turned to the Midgets and said, "What have you lot done, then?"

They looked a bit shifty and then said, "Well, we dropped a water balloon on Mr Daniels,"

Dave the Laugh said, "Excellent work, but may I suggest putting dye into the water before you drop it? It makes a much more spectacular result,"

They all murmured 'Yes, sir,' and then got the spontaneous shivers because Slim called them into Nazi Headquarters.

Dave said, "I love it when they call me 'sir'. I think they really respect me as an example of an older student,"

I said, going cross-eyed, "Who would respect you?"

He said, "You should, seeing as you are my girlfriend,"

I said, "Dave, even as your girlfriend, I could never respect you. You are far too mad and silly to respect…Mr. Little Nose,"

He said, "Ohhhh, I thought you'd forgotten that…Ms. Big Nose,"

And we had a silly-nose pulling play fight. It was vair, vair funny. This is why I love Dave the Laugh. I don't need to be on edge worrying about being normal. I can be a silly as I want around him. Because he is just as silly.

"YOU TWO! STOP ACTING LIKE A COUPLE OF NURSERY STUDENTS! GET IN HERE! NOW!"

Slim was looking at us like a red faced loon. The Midgets were walking out, all red eyed and snivelly. It was pathetic.

Me and Dave went in. It was like going into the mafia room. Mr. W.E. was sitting down in his desk chair and Slim was standing next to him like a jelloid body guard. Good Grief.

We just stood their and Slim ranted on, it was chin city all over.

"Disgraced the school…simply not acceptable…when I was a girl nobody did that, we had chains on our ankles and a man with a machine gun at the school gates,"

It wasn't really that bad, actually. Mr. W.E. just let her take over, and just straightened some pens on his desk. Me and Dave occasionally caught each others eye. It was hard not to laugh. I am far too full of _joie de _watsit to take anything seriously.

When Slim ran out of breath, Mr. W.E. said, "Can you explain why you both ran out of school?"

Oh _Merde_. What can we say? That I was sneaking out to see the former-Luuurve God and over heard Dave telling Tom that he luuurved me and then we fell out of a cupboard and Dave had a spaz attack and stormed out and then I chased him? I think even the vair, vair dim should realise the answer is no.

Then Dave said, simply, "I stormed out and she tried to stop me, it is as simple as that,"

"Why did you storm out?"

"Because I fancied half a day off,"

I looked at him. Why was he taking the blame for all of that? It was much more my fault. I can't let him get all the blame!

I said, "Actually, no it was because-"

Then Dave said, "Oh fine then. The whole truth was that I took her…err…necklace off her and she chased me to try and get it back. That is why she ran out too,"

I looked at him again. And he just winked at me.

_**2 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh has got a detention tonight. I get off free.

I said, when we were out of Nazi Headquarters, "Why did you let me get away with it?"

He said, "Because I am not only a biscuit but a gentleman as well,"

I said, "Oh, yeah, Dave. A _gentleman_. But you got yourself in a lot of trouble; you are not only in trouble for doing a runner but theft as well!"

Dave said, "Ah, well. It's all for the greater good. Me and Rollo have a competition every year, who lands themselves in the most detentions. And we are currently neck-in-neck. I can't afford to lose it; I won for the last three years,"

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers.

_**English**_

Typico. We didn't miss English. Miss Barbie was prancing around the place, looking all stupid. I really don't know who employed her as a teacher.

Of course, she wanted to know why Dave had stormed out last lesson vis-à-vis the Parris and Juliet situation type fandango.

He said, "Well, I can't have you getting too complacent, thinking I'm going to stay in the classroom, can I?" Which was a good answer and she couldn't think of anything to say back. Which is brillopads and she went to pick on Dec instead.

_**2 minutes later**_

Seeing as it is the last lesson, Miss Barbie is reading out who is moving down into set 4 next year.

Dave the Laugh had his fingers crossed. I could see him mouthing 'please'.

"How sad it is that we should lose some of you, but if you don't work hard enough you will get moved down, right, so moving down is; Liam…Conner…Rollo…John,"

Dave still had his fingers crossed as she read through the list.

"…Edward…Harry…Dave,"

Dave shouted, "YESSSS," which I thought was a bit unnecessary. But then again, it means he gets to escape Miss Barbie next year, so it's all good.

Then Miss Barbie said, "I don't know what you are so happy about. I am teaching Set 4 next year,"

Dave stopped celebrating and said, "No. You are joking?"

She said, "Nope. Think, another lovely year together,"

Dave just buried his head in his arms and pretended to cry. Hell's Bells.

_**Lunch**_

It was really lovely and warmy again so we all sat outside. I was leaning against Dave the Laugh's shoulder. It was really nice.

I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable, that is why. Dave the Laugh has stolen my beret AGAIN. I think he thinks it is some really cool accessory. It isn't. It just makes him look a Frogs Leg-a-go-go-enese div. Ho hum pigs bum. He is my official type boyfriend and I luuurve him. Even if he does like wearing my beret.

But if he starts speaking Froggie again, that will be the limit.

Then Tom said, "We are doing the off-time table day tomorrow, by the way,"

Dave said, "Oh, they did decide to carry on with it then? I honestly fail to see the point in them,"

I said, "What's an off-time table day?"

Dec said, detaching himself to his dithery girlfriend, "The teachers have this 'brilliant' idea that one day a year will should do lessons that we don't normally learn. But we don't normally learn them for a reason. They are pointless,"

Dave said, "Yes, like last year, we had to do something to do with first aid. But I put my foot down with a firm hand. No way in hell would I be practicing mouth-to-mouth- Erlack! So we messed about with the bandages. I make an excellent Egyptian Mummy, if I do say so myself, which I do, because I just heard myself,"

And he started doing what he fondly imagined was an Egyptian Walk, with one arm bent in front of him and one bent behind him. He was saying, "A larks upon the river Nile, take ye PANTS and buildeth me a pyramid!"

I said, "Come back here, Mr. Laughy Laugh! I need a shoulder to lean on,"

He said, "Sorry, Sex Kitty, just came over all hieroglyphic then. Watch your eye liner. I may steal it for the Cleopatra look,"

I like to think he is joking. That is what I like to think.

_**2 minutes later**_

We all just sat there all nice and cosy, watching the world go by. In fact we saw the titches and the midgets hand in hand with each other. Aaaaw. Young Luuurve.

There is certainly a lot of luuurve about now. It must be the heat. Nauseating P Green is a babe magnet, Hawk Eye was displaying red bottomosity, Mark Big carrying around another tiny girlfriend, and Slim and Mr. W.E. looked a bit too cosy. Erlack a Pongoes! I will try not to focus on them. But neither do I want to focus on my friends. Who are snogging their boyfriends for Merrie England. And a half. And possibly Europe.

Of course, me and Dave being new to the luuurve scenario have a bit more pridnosity. That is why we only did number five with a hint of six. It was fabbity fab fab fabby. And also marvy. _Mais Oui. _

I thought Jas would be all oggly at me and Dave snogging for the world to see but she couldn't give a hoot. Because she was number sixing Tom. It was disgusting. I could see her tongue coming out occasionally like a mad vole. She was practically eating Tom. It made me feel quite sick, actually.

I wonder whether Tom ever worries about her fringe getting in his eyes? I wonder whether boys rate girls for their snogging? I wonder if they have a snogging scale?

I must ask Dave. But not now. Because as anyone can see, my mouth is kind-of busy at the moment.

_**Maths**_

Ah, like the good old time last week. I am sitting next to Dave in Maths. Which is good and he hasn't said anything vis-à-vis dragging me kicking and screaming, but then, on the other hand I am his official girlfriend so it is my duty to make sure he doesn't flirt with any…err…calculators or algebra. Which is unlikely because at the moment he is drawing little cartoon monkeys in the corners of his page.

He said, "Ah, finally, done. What do you think, Kittykat," and he flicked his book. There was a monkey in the corner of every single page. And when he flicked through it made it look like it was dancing. Like flipbooks do, if you know what I mean and I think you do. It was quite coolio, as it happens.

I said, "That is really good Dave and-"

"SILENCE!" and the teacher threw a Nervy B at us talking! Unbelievable.

_**2 minutes later**_

Typico. The Maths teacher is making us work in silence. Of course, by silence that means we pass notes to each other. Every time he turns his back, notes go flying left, right and centre. Like confetti. It is quite spectacular.

I passed Dave a note under the table:

_Do you boys have a Snogging Scale? Kittykat xx_

He sent back:

_What do you mean Snogging Scale? Laugh xx_

I sent him a note with the copy of the Snogging Scale on. He chuckled a bit when he read it which earned the look of death from the Maths Teacher. And then he sent back:

_Hahaha. Excellent. We sort of did. But ours had a lot more on it than that. In the end we stopped because we kept forgetting what number everything was. And also, it is much more the given boy thing to be descriptive and exaggerative anyway. Laugh xx_

Fabby! So they did actually have a snogging scale. I wonder what else they had on theirs? Maybe we could add it onto ours? I sent a note asking him to tell me what we had missed off. He sent back:

_Ours was a bit more full in the part yours would be on 7+. We cannot help it; we are boys and our imaginations run away with us. Laugh xx_

Good Grief.

I replied:

_Good Grief and lacks a mercy. You boys are so rudey dudey it is unreal. But anyway, what have I missed out? Kittykat xx_

Dave answered: _I am not saying…but I can show. Are you up for a bit of B.W.A. later? Laugh xx_

Cheeky Cat. Asking to do Below the Waist Activity with me. I sent him back a note asking did he think I was a tart. He sent me back yes, as long as I was his tart. I will have to give him a stern telling off snog wise later.

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave got bombarded with a paper aeroplane. It was a note from Rollo. I cannot believe the teacher has not realised everyone is passing notes. I think he may be a bit on the blind side.

The Note said: _Hi Mate, and greetings to your 'Kittykat' too. I have had a brilliant urge to start off the old mysterious humming game. Dec, Ed and a few of the girls have agreed to play. Are you in? Rollo._

Dave sent back another note saying yes. I whispered, "What is the mysterious humming game?"

Dave whispered back, "We all hum quietly, in a long single note. It drives him crazy but he won't be able to figure it out. Because when he makes one of us stop, everyone else will carry on. It is brilliant to see how purple he can get,"

Brillopads! I joined in. We all just went Hmmmmmmmmm.

The teacher went chasing this Hmmmmmmmmm all the way around the classroom, telling kids to open their mouths and such like.

In the end he thought it the heating system.

_**Blodge**_

OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas! You will never guess what we are being forced to learn about! I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable, that is why. We are being forced, by the selfishiosity of so-called grown ups, to learn about Sexual Reproduction.

The boys are in absolute hysterics. And a half. They have no maturiosity. Us girl-types are so much more sophis. That is why we are only doing silent giggles.

The boys are all grouped up together and are doing nudge-nudge wink-wink and other naff things. Dave and his barmy army were no better. They kept whispering stuff to each other and laughing like twits. Still live and let live is what I say.

_**2 minutes later**_

Rollo whispered something to Dave and Dec and they both were virtually wetting themselves. They are so immature. And then Dave went to whisper something back to Rollo but the teacher caught him. And that is when he made his fatal mistake.

"David, seeing as you have so much to say on this topic, would you like to teach the class?"

Dave managed to stutter out 'Oo-er' before having a laughing spaz. The whole class was in uproar. I could not stop laughing.

_**Hometime**_

I gave Dave a number five and he went cheerily off to suffer his fate in the Detention Hall of Life. For a detention. Which he bravely took so I got off free. He is so sweet.

_**3 minutes later**_

We signed up to the talent show on the notice board. It had four categories; singing, dancing, musical and general. We all wrote our names down under Dancing and had a bit of the heebie jeebie Let's go down to the Disco dancing.

I was quite shocked to see that Nauseating P Green had signed up. To the singing category. Still, she will be the comedy value in what promises to be a tragic event.

_**Rosie's House**_

We are going to be doing the Viking Disco Inferno dance. With costumes. Rosie has incorporated Sven into the costume making lark, to help us with the historicosity of it all. Not really, he and Rosie keep snogging. But alls fair in loves war.

That is why I hit Rosie over the head with a cushion.

_**10 minutes later**_

We are going for the Sex Kitty look with a hint of extreme violence about us. Of course the Viking Horns are on the menu of life.

We've made a fantastic armour-type watsit top. We all got an old T shirt and pasted brown crepe paper over it again and again until it looked like leather. And then we made Tin Foil discs and stuck them on like metallic nunga nunga holders. Sven is inspecting his reflection in Rosie's.

We tie the T shirt up around our ribs with a belt, for that Sex Kitty look. With our tums all on show. I think it makes us look a bit like tribal strippers, but Rosie said it is all authentic.

_**20 minutes later**_

Bottom-wise (Oo-er) we got a skirt and stuck tin foil on like armoured plates. And we got big furry yeti boots for our feet.

We look _trés_ Viking. With a hint of the Nordic.

_**10 minutes later**_

And for the _piece de resistance_ we have made our hair look wild and ad hoc. Sort of curly in a natural oh-I've-just-jumped-off-the-long-boat way. And vis-à-vis make up, we went black eye shadow and ruby lips for the all over fearsome look.

_**5 minutes later**_

We look Viking in the extreme, if I do say so myself. We did a triumphant cry of Thor! And dashed down stairs and scared the living daylights out of Rosie's Elderly Loons.

Oh Joy Unbounded!

_**3 minutes later**_

We have furry capes! With hoods! Sven got them from the fairy shop. We look like a furry version of little red riding hood. Just more violent. I don't think the big bad wolf would pick on us, because we would barbeque him. Yes, yes and three times yes. The Ace Gang rides again.

_**5 minutes later**_

We incorporated the capes into the general usage of the Viking Disco Inferno. We come onto the stage all cloaked up, so the audience can't see us. And then, as the music starts (Ye good olde Jingle Bells) we fling our capes back to give the audience our all (Oo-er) and a spectacular view of our Vikinigosity and then dance commences as so:

Stamp, stamp to the left,  
Left leg kick, kick,  
Arm up,  
Stab, stab to the left (that's the pillaging bit),  
Stamp, stamp to the right,  
Right leg kick, kick,  
Arm up,  
Stab, stab to the right,  
Quick twirl round with both hands raised to Thor (whatever) and put in some swishy cape movements.  
Raise your (pretend) drinking horn to the left,  
Drinking horn to the right,  
Horn to the sky,  
All over body shake  
Huddly duddly,  
And fall to knees with a triumphant shout of "HORRRRNNNNN!!"

And then shut cloak like some sort of Viking Bat. If there was such a thing as a Viking Bat.

_**Home**_

_**8.30pm**_

Phew! I am tuckered in the extreme of extreme because of dancing rehearsals. We gave Rosie's Loons a quick show. They clapped but I like to think they look terrified. That is what I like to think.

But it may be because Sven was lay across their laps. Telling them about Herring Hunting or something.

_**2 minutes later**_

Being a World Class Dancer is tiring. I will go get myself a cup of that well known Viking Beverage. Mead.

Not, the closest thing to mead in this house is Dad's Beer. And I am not touching any of that since my horrible hang over after the Animal Party.

Where Dave the Laugh was a rabbit. And got the dare to dye his hair pink.

_**3 minutes later**_

Wait a minute. That wasn't the dare. That was the forfeit. He got Truth off me. And I asked him what he thought of me. But he wouldn't say and forfeited. And had to dye his hair pink.

_**3 minutes later**_

I thought he would end up looking divvy but somehow he managed to make it look coolio.

_**1 minute later**_

And now it's sort of growing out. You can see his dark roots. It looks quite groovy, actually, like it is just the tips done.

_**5 minutes later**_

I wonder how he got on at the detention? I can't wait to see him on the talent show.

I also can't wait to see Nauseating P Green sing. It should be a larf.

* * *

**Finally! I bet you thought I had died, I didn't update. But seriously, I have a lot of homework to do so I don't know when my next update will be. I have a week left before school starts again. Buggeration. **

**I don't do French, so if my French is crap please don't hold me responsible, lol. I just love writing Dave and Gee in French. Even if I can't speak it.**

**Oh by the way, I have made a comic of Gird and it is up on Deviant Art. Fanfiction won't let me put in links, so you will have to find it yourselves. If you type in Gird your nungas it is should come up. My user name is trampy mouse on Deviant Art, same as on here.**

**I had no idea how I could explain the humming game, but it's a fun game and can drive people up the way, because everytime they pin point a culprit, everyone else carries on and it seems like the culprit was innocent.**

**I was meant to say something else but I can't think what…**


	10. But then Something Squelched

**Sorry for not updating in a while, I've been busy with homework so I could only get this done after my brain stops working at it turns eight o'clock. And this week I had a flash of the watsit and started to write Red Herrings for the Queen!! ****So I've been working on that every spare minute I've got. But I will keep this one going, there is only four chapters left in this fanfic anyway. And then I will put my all into red herrings and then I'll either write my spesh idea fanfic or Back onto the Horns of the Watsit which shall be the sequel to this one.**

* * *

**But then Something Squelched**

_**Thursday June 19**__**th**_

_**8.15am**_

Dave didn't come to walk me to school today. I hung around a bit outside my house but he didn't show.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that he said he would. I am taking it for granted that he came yesterday. He didn't have to. It is just that it is nice being around him. I really laugh when I am with him.

I will only have Old Fringey and possibly Hunky to walk with. They are not exactly top in the laugh department. Brillopads…

_**3 minutes later**_

At least I won't have to put up with the Froggie Nonsense.

_**1 minute later**_

Although it is nice talking Froggie with Dave. It is not like how it was when I went out with Masimo or Robbie; Dave is my best boy mate and boyfriend at the same time.

I wonder why he hasn't come today? Even the vair vair stupid would have thought he would. When we went out during the Red Herring Fiasco, he was a bit over the top and smothering when it came to luuurvey duuurvey stuff.

_**2 minutes later**_

Still nice though.

_**8.30am**_

Jas was waiting on her wall with Hunky. They were giggling about something in a paper bag. I dread to think what is in it. Vole poo possibly.

Jas said, "No Monsieur Laugh today?"

I said, "Jas, we are not pathetic enough to be joined at the hip. Like _some_ people I could mention,"

Jas went into Stroppy Bananas Mode.

_**2 minutes later**_

Tom managed to calm Jas down. It took an awful lot of effort; he even had to flick her fringe for her (honestly) but eventually she became human once more. Well, as close to a human as she could get with her Gigantibus Fringe.

Then Tom said, "Robbie told me to tell you his last gig is on Sunday, and be there or be square,"

Excellent. It will be me and Dave's first party as a proper couply couple. Fabby!

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder where he is?

_**8.45pm**_

Dave wasn't with the Barmy Army. He must have overslept or something. He is far too lax. I am going to get him an alarm clock for his birthday.

_**5 minutes later**_

Rosie is all red faced and keen about this Talent Show Fiasco tonight. She has even put her bison horns on. Underneath her beret. And there are little points sticking out of her beret. It looks hilariously ridiculous.

I said, "Rosie, may I point out, and I mean this in a loving way, why have you put your Viking Horns on underneath your beret? It looks hilariously ridiculous. In fact, it looks like you have cat ears on top of you head. And that is not normal. In fact it is very unnormal. It looks stupid,"

She said, caressing her strange head gear lovingly, "Do you really think it looks that nice?"

I was about to object but I was interrupted by a mad yodel. And mad Svennish yodel. And then I saw something that may disturb my girlhood forever. Sven was dress only in Viking Horns and his furry boxers and was careering across the playground to us.

He was shouting, "_Ja,_ oh _ja_! Let the Horns run wild and free,"

Rosie said, adoringly, "Isn't he a sex bomb of a beast?"

I said, "If you think so,"

_**9.00am**_

_**Registration**_

Dave the Lax Laugh STILL has not showed up! I wonder if he has the dreaded lurgy?

Erlack, I hope I have not caught it off him. We have had an awful lot of mouth action over the past few days.

_**2 minutes later**_

I said to Rosie, "I wonder if Dave is poorly? I hope not, we have been snogging a lot and you know what the germy-types are like; they march full throttle with their pants before them to an unsuspecting victim,"

Rosie said, "Sven has given me a luuurve bite. Do you want to see it?"

I looked at her neck, "There is nothing there, Rosie,"

She said, "No, it is on my tummy,"

Of Course. I hate to imagine what Sven was doing snogging Rosie's Tummy. Erlack a Pongoes.

Rosie said, opening her eyes, "Do you want a moosey?

I said, "No, thank you Rosie,"

But she insisted on showing me. Erlack.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rosie was busy showing Jas her luuurve bite so I went and sat by Rollo, Edward and Dec. Rollo was busy have a Thumb War with Edward so I said to Dec, "How are you and Ellen then?"

Dec said, "Excellent,"

I said, "So, you still haven't reached the end of your tether with her stammering then?"

Dec looked at me and then said, "Of course I haven't. I think it is cute, not annoying at all,"

I said, "You are mad, but sweet. It's nice to see Ellen happy and luuurved up,"

Dec said, "It's nice to be luuurved up, myself," and did a big cheesy grin. Aaaaw. And then he said, "Do you know what Ellen's favourite flower is? Next week will be our one-month-anniversary. Could you find out for me? Discreetly?"

He was being so vair, vair sweet I couldn't help to agree.

I said, "Don't you worry Mr. Dec, discreet is my middle name,"

He just looked at me.

_**2 minutes later**_

Unfortunately, this will mean I will be there for the next Ice Age while Ellen says "Err, maybe a, you know Rose or…um, like a lily…or something,"

Ho hum Pigs Bum.

_**5 minutes later**_

Bovril Woman was handing out the Off-Time-Table-Time-Tables when Dave came sauntering in. Ah, at least he has not got the lurgy. He looked all well and dandy in the health department. But he didn't look very laughish. _Merde_.

Bovril Woman gave him the red faced rant about being late, "Almost ten minutes…not acceptable…you will be decapitated!" And then she asked why he was late.

He said, "Because I am,"

Which earned another lecture about cheek. Eventually, Bovril Woman gave up and turned around to wipe the board, muttering under her breath. He plonked himself down next to me. Oh bugger, he seems to have acquired the _trés_ terrible Mr. Moody Pans Attributes. Poo.

I said, "_Qu'est-ce que _has rattled your cage, Monsieur Laugh?"

He said, "Oh, err, nothing," Amazing! No answer in Froggie or anything.

I said, "Would you like to wear my beret?"

He said, "Nah, thanks,"

Oh dear, I wonder why he looks quite grumpy. Oh my Giddy God! I hope it isn't anything to do with going out with me. Buggeration on wheels, I hope vair, vair muchos that he isn't regretting saying yes. Maybe he is upset I am now restricting him freedom wise. That I have clipped his wings. Oh God!

I said, "You aren't upset with me, are you?"

He said, "Of course not,"

I said, "Do you really mean it? You are not regretting going out with me, are you? I haven't clipped your wings?"

He obviously realised I was worried because he took my hands and said, "Kittykat, don't worry it is nothing to do with you. Because a) How could I regret going out with you? b) I may be an angel in human form but I don't have wings,"

I said, "So why are you moody?"

He said, "Moody? Me? Don't be silly, I'm not in a mood,"

But he was.

_**1 minute later**_

First on our brillopad agenda Off-Time-Table-Time-Table wise is 'Textiles'.

I said to Jas, "What do we do, write on tiles?"

She just looked at me like I was vair, vair dim.

_**Textiles**_

I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable, that is why. Textiles has nothing to do with tiles or writing. That is not the unbelievable bit. That is believable because of the dimnosity of some of the Billy Shakespearean Language. Textiles mean materials and we are being forced to knit.

Yes, honestly. Knit.

_**4 minutes later**_

At least Dave seems to have cheered up. Dec, Rollo and Dave are having a pretend sword fight with the knitting needles. I think they think they are the three musketeers. They have all stolen our berets (Dec stole Ellen's; Rollo stoles Jools' and Dave could not resist the call of the pants and he stole mine) and they are wearing them on their heads side wards. They are prancing around and talking in ye olde English. Truly, truly mad.

I said, "Dave, I thought you were scared of needles, why are you prancing around with a knitting needle?"

Dave said, "Sex Kitty, it is only syringes I am scared of. It is because of my traumatic experience, aged five, when a NHS doctor decided that he would rather be flirting with the nurse than paying attention to his patient, yours truly, and the needle went into my skin and out the other side,"

Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons. So that is why he is scared of them!!

Then the boys disappeared around the corner into the Art Room Store Cupboards. I could hear Dave shouting, "Pants! Pants! My kingdom for some Pants! Draw thy sword thou cloth-head watsit and fight like a lord bearing his pants before him!"

Jools said, "You have, not counting the Swedish Fish Lord, the most maddest boyfriend in town,"

And I said, "Yes, and he is all miney-miney!"

_**10 minutes later**_

Knitting is quite relaxing actually. Up, wrap, down and off. Up, wrap, down and off. Vair, vair lax-making.

I haven't heard the boys recently. I dread to think what they are doing. They are in the Store Cupboards still.

_**5 minutes later**_

Dave came up to me, all shamed face. He said, "Sex Kitty, could you, out of your boundless luuurve for me, give me a hand here?"

I said, "Oo-er,"

He just looked at me. And then he said, "My so called mates have decided to tie my wrists with wool and I can't get it off,"

I looked at his hands. They were tied with blue knitting wool in front of him.

I said, "Why, in the name of God's Pantibus, did you let them do that to you?"

Dave said, "Because I thought I would be able to break it off but I can't," and he pulled his wrists in opposite directions to show that the wool was too strong to break.

I said, "Let me get this straight; you let your mates tie you up because you thought you would be able to get free?"

"Yes,"

"You let them tie you up? Even though you know they are bonkers, you let them tie you up?"

"Yes…we were taking it in turns to tie each other up, you see. It took Rollo five whole minutes to get free from his,"

What is he on about? Why in the name of Pantyhose do boys think it is funny to tie each other up?

I ask Dave that and he said, "I don't know…once we tied Dec to a lamp post with duct tape,"

I just looked at him and then I said, "Did he get free?"

Dave said, "No, we left him there for two hours,"

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers!

I said, "That is vair, vair meanio Dave. And for that I am going to let you suffer,"

He pretendy scowled at me but sat down in between me and Jas.

_**6 minutes later**_

How come Jas' scarf looks all perfect but mine doesn't? Ok, I dropped a few stitches and stuff but it shouldn't be that difference from Jas'.

But I bet she knits for fun. I bet she knits pairs of knickers for herself.

She said, "Georgia, you are doing it all wrong, you are meant to wrap around this way,"

I said, "Jas? Do you knit yourself knickers?"

Dave, who was trying to chew through the wool on his wrists, had a huge laughing spaz. He's cheered up quite a lot.

_**5 minutes later**_

I let Dave go, but only because he kept moaning that he couldn't feel his fingers and it was cutting off his blood supply. He had huge red ridges where the strings had been. I stroked it (oo-er) for a bit, I might have healing hands.

_**Break**_

Our Friendly Viking Groom has turned up again and is snogging Rosie to an inch of her life. It is disgusting. There is a lot of licking going on. It's off putting when you are trying to do Number Five with a Laugh.

Especially since Sven keep shouting, "Oh, ja, that's it, you wild and crazy chick!! Ja! Ja!"

It's got me and Dave in hysterics. And it's not the most attractive thing laughing into each others mouths.

_**3 minutes later**_

Even if we are the laugh couple. Shut up.

_**6 minutes later**_

I said, as we were taking a breath from snogging, "So what was up with earlier, Mr. Laugh?"

He said, "Nothing," and snogged me before I could say 'yeah right'. He can't win an argument like that!

Not that I am complaining.

As he is vair good at this snogging business.

_**1 minute later**_

Rosie detached herself from Sven and told us we were doing more rehearsals for the talent show tonight at seven. And then she and Sven galloped off.

Then I suddenly had the flash of a watsit, "Dave, were you Greg the Grumpy Grog because you are nervous about tomorrow?"

Dave said, "Don't be silly, Kittykat, Biscuits never get nervous,"

Ho hum pigs bum.

_**Music**_

The boys are all hyped up because we are doing a music lesson and there was a big hoo-hah and a fisticuffs between them to see who would get the cymbals and drums and stuff.

Dave came back with a tambourine.

_**3 minutes later**_

I don't think I have ever heard so much noise in my life. I think they will give the Stiff Dylans a run for their money. Not.

_**Chemistry**_

We are doing a work shop watsit. Dave seems a bit down and the dumps because he is an ostracised leper from Chemistry. Well, until the teacher decided to bound up to him and say, "You can join in on the work shop, but I want no funny business,"

Dave said, "Aye, Aye Cap'n,"

"I don't want you setting any part of yourself on fire,"

"Of course not,"

"I don't want any explosions,"

"Ok,"

"I don't want any stink bombs made,"

"Erlack. Deffo not,"

"I don't want any fires,"

"Ok Dokey,"

"And I don't want you plugging you self into the Voltmeter again,"

"Oh, that didn't work anyway. I'm not very conductive,"

The teacher gave him one of those looks that means; You'll-be-very-very-dead if you do do anything.

I said, "You plugged yourself into a Voltmeter?!"

Dave said, "It's a phase all boys go through; messing about with electricity. You should be glad I didn't lick a battery or anything. That could have burnt my tongue and impaired my snogging skills permanently,"

Good Grief.

_**3 minutes later**_

You know like when the boys were talking and they said Dave threw a whole pot of something in a tank of water and it exploded? Well, we are doing that. But with a weaker form as the teacher doesn't trust the boys any longer.

I have paired up with Jas. We are supposed to throw some Lithi-watsit into a tank. But we are both a bit too flustered after hearing about exploding tanks.

We are wearing vair, vair attractive lab coats and goggles. I think Jas thinks she looks like a model in goggles (which she doesn't, she just looks like an annoying twit with goggles on). She is being irritatingly Jas-like, flicking her fringe with ad hoc abandon, and sticking her nose in the air and prancing around. It is infuriating actually.

I went over to Dave and Tom who were doing the same experiment. I said, "So, Dave, do you like the scientist look on me?"

Dave said, "Truly _chemical_, Kittykat, you've got me _goggling_ at you," which made me laugh.

Then Tom said, "Have you and Jas actually done anything yet?"

Dave said, "Yes, it's vair amusing watching you two go to throw the watsit in the water then start squealing like a couple of loons,"

I was about to tell Dave he'd said 'vair' again when Jas came spazzing over, all ludicrously girly and flick-flick-flicking her fringe, "Ooooh, Tom, would you come and help us, please?"

Tom said, "Of course. Dave, watch our experiment so no one tries to sabotage it,"

Sabotage it? What planet does he lives on?

Dave said, "Ok,"

Tom said, "And by sabotage, I mean also you,"

"Ok,"

Tom said, "I mean it, Dave; Don't you dare touch it,"

Dave said, "I'm on my best behaviour,"

_**5 minutes later**_

How utterly, utterly boring is this? Vair, vair boring is the answer. Hunky is telling us about something about the metals being so alkaline they react with water or something stupid like that. Jas loves it when he gets all technical with her. She keeps flicking her fringe in a stupid way and going all girly and high pitched. It's ridiculous.

Tom said, picking up some lithi-watsit, "Right, do you want to throw it in the water?"

Jas said, "Ooooh, you do it Hunky," in what she imagine in a cute voice. It wasn't, "It won't explode will it?"

Tom said, "Of course not-"

And then there was this tremendous BANG!! Some kids dived under their tables and the rest of us nearly pooed our selves.

Tom was the first to recover, "DAVE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE EXPERIMENT!!"

Dave was just standing next what was once their experiment but was now a broken tank. Gadzooks.

He looked a bit shocked to say the least, "I didn't realise it would do that…"

Then Mr. Martins came storming over, "What did you do?!"

Dave said, sort of sheepishly, "I, um, thought it was all a bit boring, you see, and I, err, poured acid into the water…"

Mr. Martins had a complete FT followed by a nervy Spaz, "You did WHAT!? All I can say is at least that's the weakest form! Do you know what you've just made?"

Dave guessed, "A mess? A detention for myself?"

Mr. Martins said, turning an alarming shade of purple, "You've just made a ruddy bomb!!"

Dave said, "Ooh, you learn a new thing everyday, don't you?"

We all just looked at him.

_**3 minutes later**_

Naturally, Dave's got a detention all lunch time. Fabby.

_**1 minute later**_

And double fabby with knobs my boyfriend is a terrorist in the making.

_**5 minutes later**_

He'd get on well with Libby.

_**Lunch**_

I am sooo bored. All the others are snogging like loons on loon tablets. And I've got no one. Because Dave is in detention. Typico.

_**Cross Country**_

Oh Holy Buggeration on High. Cross Country. The boys said it is the worst form of torture that has ever been invented. We had to change in the classroom again, but we sellotaped paper over the door-window so no one could see us.

_**6 minutes later**_

Dave came bounding back to us just as we were about to start. He looked at what was going on and said, "Aw, no, not cross country!"

I said, "How did your detention go?"

Dave just looked at me.

_**3 minutes later**_

Oh, my –pant- Giddy God- pant- I think my head is -pant- going to explode from-pant- redness. Dave and Rosie are -pant- running either- pant- side of me and- pant- they both look- pant- half dead- pant. But we can't- pant- stop –pant- other wise Miss Stamp- pant- attacks us- pant.

_**10 minutes later**_

In the end we dived behind some bushes and hid from the Nazi Torture Wagon. We were all spectacularly red-faced like friendly red-setters. I said in between gasping for breath to Dave, "You are a boy; you are supposed to be good at this, you're not supposed to be exhausted,"

He just lay down on the floor.

_**5 minutes later**_

Rosie said, lying down next to me, "Do you remember, Georgia, during the camping larks when we hid up a tree to keep away from Herr Kamyer and co?"

I said, "Yeah," I was lying next to Dave.

Rosie said, "We were talking about snogging and you said the best snog you'd ever had was from Dave,"

I went beetroot. Dave said, "Oh, Really?"

Rosie was clearly enjoying herself because she said, "Yes, I asked her what the best snog she'd ever had was and she said, 'I think it was when Dave the Laugh nibbled my lips,"

I am going to KILL her.

Dave said, "What? Like this?" and he rolled over and snogged me and libbled my nips. Nibbled my lips, I mean. Phoar! And Wow. He really, really is the best snogger EVER.

Rosie said, "Oy, you two, I don't want to see that. If you don't stop, I'll join in,"

Me and Dave stopped. I like to think she is joking. That is what I like to think.

_**Home Time**_

We rejoined the merry runners when it was time to get changed again and we all met outside. All the boys smelt funny. I asked why and they said there was a deodorant fight in the changing rooms. Of course.

_**10 minutes later**_

We were walking out of school and I was linkied up with Dave. I said, "Monsieur Biscuit, would you like to go hang around the park for a snog-tastic time to celebrate our new coupliosity?"

Rosie said, "Oy! Missus! You are supposed to be at rehearsals!"

I said, "I don't need to be their till seven! So what do you say, Dave?"

Dave said, "I can't, sorry, Kittykat,"

What? I said, "Why not? You are not regretting being a couply couple with me are you?"

Dave said, "Never, Sex Kitty, Never. It's just I have...err...lost something. And it is what was worrying me all day. I really need to find it,"

I said, "Not your tarantula again, I hope!"

Dave shook his head, "Nah. It is A LOT more important than the Mad Hairy One,"

Jas said, "You have a tarantula! What type?"

Dave said, "Err, mad and hairy-type, I think,"

Jas said, "No I mean breed. What do you feed it on? I thought they have to have live food blah blah blah," and she rambled on about tarantulas for the next millennium. Dave listened for as long as is humanely possible

Then Dave said, unlinking arms with me, "I really must zap off now. The longer I leave it, the worse it can get,"

I said, "I'll help you look, "

"No you won't,"

"Why not?"

Dave said, crossing his arms, "Because,"

I said, firmly, "I am helping and you can't get rid of me,"

"Fab,"

_**5 minutes later**_

_**House of Laugh**_

We got into the House of Laugh and Dave dumped his blazer and bag on the floor by the door. As we walked past the living room we could see Nash and Imogen in there. Imogen was painting Nash's finger nails. Dave looked like he was about to say something, but he just shook his head and said, "I officially give up trying to keep him on the right path of life,"

Then Imogen looked around and saw us and started chuckling. Why? I was going to ask Dave but he was already half way up the stairs.

_**Dave's Bedroom**_

Dave started sifling through the mess immediately. I said, "So, Mr. Laugh, what have you lost?"

He said, "I can't tell you,"

I said, "If you don't tell me, how can I find it?"

Dave said, "You are _not_ finding it,"

I said, "Right…if I don't know what it is! Come on, what is it?"

Dave said, "I am not telling you, just be quiet and let me think where it could be,"

That's nice isn't it? Not. I sat on his bed. Until he chucked me off to see whether it was under his quilt.

I wonder what it is??

_**10 minutes later**_

I stood at the door watching Dave pull his room apart. I have never seen him act so panicky about anything. It's just Unlaugh-like. I wonder what he has lost? It must be _trés_ important.

Then Nash came bursting in, "DAAAAAVEY! Would you makes plasticine people with meeee?"

Dave said, "No, Nash, I'm busy,"

Nash ran over through the mess and went to the Mad Hairy One's cage and said, "Can we builds Tarantula Castle with legos again? Can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we-"

"NASH!! Go away!"

Nash shouted back, "You are so meany to me, Davey! Santa won't get you anything if you keeps being horrible!"

Dave said, "He isn't real Nash,"

"Is too!"

"Is not,"

"IS TOO,"

Oh Good Grief.

I said, "I'll make plasticine people with him. Dave, just calm down, please, I am sure it's not that bad,"

"It is,"

You can't tell some people, can you?

_**4 minutes later**_

I made a Plasticine-Nash for Nash. He lobes it. Little Toddly-folks are so easy to please. Nash has made a plasticine Dave and then he squashed it with a rolling pin. He is quite violent.

Then Nash said, "Do you likes my nails? Immy painted them,"

I very nearly had a laughing spaz, "Yes, Nash…but aren't they a bit girly?"

Nash looked at me blankly and then said, "But I'm a boy,"

Good Point, well made.

I said, to stop him thinking about his nails, "So, what do you want to be when you are older? A fireman? Train driver?"

Nash said, "I don't know. Davey wants to be an Understanding Chameleon or something. I think he is going to changes colour to makes people laugh or something. But I wants to be one of those mans who go to the moon,"

Aaaaw, I luuurve how he talks. He tries to be all grown up. Not like Libby who only swears when she is trying to be grown up. But then, again, Nash is two years older than Libby.

I said, "An astronaut?"

Nash said, "No…a cheese harvester,"

I started laughing but Nash wasn't joking. So I said, "A Cheese Harvester?"

"Yes, yes. Everyone thinks the moon is made out of cheese. They're WRONG! It actually has lots of cheese grass ons it and the moon mans harvest it with their special space tractors,"

I said, "Nash, um, that's not right,"

Then Nash leapt up and put his eyes two centre metres from mine. They are like Dave's but only more demonic. Scary Potatoes! "Yes IT IS! All the dark bits on the mooney are where it's been cut. How'd you 'splain it other wise, huh? Huh?"

I said, quickly, "Ok, ok…who told you that?"

Nash said, "Davey,"

Typico.

_**5 minutes later**_

I made Nash a plasticine version of the rest of the Laugh family to go with plasticine-Nash and Pancake-Dave (who is literally that after meet-and-greeting the rolling pin). I also noticed he squashed Plasticine-Imogen as well.

Then he said, "Here you goes, it's YOU," and he gave me what looked like a plasticine snow man. It was apparently _moi_. He made me put it in my shirt pocket on my nunga.

Then Dave came down. He looked a bit shame faced. Nash did mad-kid-stroppy-pouty thing.

Dave said, sitting next to Nash, "I'm sorry Nash, for shouting at you,"

Nash said, "I don't lobes you anymore, Davey. I squashed your plasticine person,"

Dave said, pretending to die, "Arghh, you've voo-dooed me,"

Nash was not amused, he said, "Hmp,"

Dave said, "Aw, don't be cross with me, Nash, I- Ooh, what that behind your ear?" and he did the trick when you pull out a coin from the back of someone's ear. Nash looked amazed then started giggling like a loon on loon tablets. Aaaaw, he's so good with kids!

I said, "Wow, Dave, how do you do tha-"

And he 'pulled' a pound coin from out behind my ear. It was my turn to be amazed.

Dave said, "Shake your heads, you two, you might make me a rich man,"

Nash actually shook his head as if he expected pennies to fall out of his ears.

Dave said, "Unless of course the money disappears!" and he tossed the pound coin in the air and caught it. Then opened his hands and it was gone!!

I said, "How in the name of Jas' giant knickers did you do that, Dave?"

He said, "A magician never reveals his tricks," and he flipped his arms out dramatically. Then a lot of pennies fell out of his sleeves.

I said, "Yeah, unless his tricks fall out of his sleeves,"

Dave stuck his tongue out and shook the rest out.

_**1 minute later**_

I said to Dave as I finished making the Mad Hairy One out of plasticine for Nash, "Did you find it?"

Dave said, shrugging, "No, I have absolutely no idea where it's gone,"

I was about to ask more but Nash attacked me with the rolling pin and Dave had to wrestle him off me.

Dave said, "He lobes you, you know, after you went after the babysitting thing, he was asking where you'd gone,"

I said, "Aaaaw,"

Nash said, "No I didn't!!"

Dave said, "Yes you did, you said, 'Where's your pretty girly gone?'"

Aaaaw.

Nash shook his head, which was a touch red and said, "No I didn't! You is lying Davey! I don't likes girlies!!"

Dave said, "Ooooh, what about the girlies at your nursery? There's _Lucy_ and-"

Nash threw a glob of plasticine at Dave.

_**4 minutes later**_

A Toddly folk fancies me. Brillopads…

_**10 minutes later**_

Nash lobed his plasticine people more than me and went up to his room to play with them. Me and Dave hung about the living room a bit. His Elderly Loons were in the kitchen so he leant over and started snogging me. It was four…five…six…and then he tried number seven!! But then something squelched.

Dave looked completely bewildered and shocked-bananas, "Did I just kill your nunga??"

I pulled out the thing Nash made me earlier, "No, but you've crushed plasticine-Georgia,"

Dave just burst out laughing and then started snogging me again. But he didn't try number seven again. Poo.

_**5 minutes later**_

Me and Dave were still snogging and he had pulled me onto his lap when the living room door opened. We sprang apart like a couple of loons. It was Imogen. She just raised her eyebrows at us but said, "I've been reading this new book today. I must say it is the best read I've had in donkey's years. Do you want to hear?"

What in the name of pantibus is she on about? Dave ignorez voused her.

Imogen carried on, "It truly is the best book ever. A most heart wrenching story, complete with thrills and giggles," Ok…

I said, "Go on then. If it means you'll leave us alone,"

Imogen said, "Ooooh, look who is getting a mouth on her!"

Dave said, "Just read it and then go,"

She gets out little black book.

"Hem, hem _'I ran back through the forest as fast like a little speedy watsit. Well, not exactly because I kept stumbling over roots and such like. I could here the girls' teachers shouting after me. I didn't know whether I wanted to go back to our campsite. I would probably be put on the griller about this fiasco again. And I need to think it all through first. Was she going to say it? If she was going to say it, was she going to mean it? And did she realise if said it to her? Oh, why do I have to get into such a spaz about all this? And also why is it always _my_ fault when it happens?? She's just as bad. Because of Georgia_-"

And Dave leapt up (I tumbled off his lap) and shouted, "YOU HAD IT!!"

And then I realised what he thought he'd lost. And what Imogen was reading. It was his DIARY. Oh my Giddy God's Pyjamas.

Imogen carried on reading, "_'Because of Georgia I've cheated on every girl I've been out with since her_'-"

Dave darted over to her and tried to wrestle the diary back but Imogen ran away from him, still reading, "_And that makes me an absolutely horrible person! But I don't want to be_-" and then there was a bit of a ruffly scruffle and they ended up having each other in a head lock and the diary flew across the room and landed at my feet. I picked it up automatically.

Dave said, "Georgia, don't read it please!"

Imogen said, "Go on, Georgia! Read it!"

Dave said, "Don't,"

Imogen said, "Go on! You know you want to,"

It was like a conscience-watsit. With the devil tempting me one way, the angel trying to get me to do the opposite thing.

Then Dave's Mutti came bursting in because of the racket, "What the blazes is going on??"

And Imogen and Dave let go of each other and started accusing each other at about one hundred miles an hour at the same time. You couldn't understand what either them were saying.

If the situation hadn't been so poo, I may have laughed.

Then Dave's Mum took the diary off me and said, "Is it over this?"

And Dave said, "Don't you dare read it!" And snatched it off her and headed upstairs. I followed him.

_**1 minute later**_

Dave has hidden his diary 'somewhere safe' i.e. in his Tarantulas cage. He says no one but Nash would put their hands in it, and Nash would just eat the pages. Good Grief!

And then we just lay on his bed for a bit. We snogged a little but I don't think he was in much of a mood for snogging (Dave not in the mood for snogging! What ever next!). We stopped and we just looked at each other.

Then I said, "I didn't know you had a diary,"

Dave said, "And you would do well to forget it,"

I said, "Ooooh, is that a threat?"

Dave said, "Nope, it's a word of advice. Eight words in fact,"

And before I could say anything, he snogged me again.

_**Walking to Rosie's for Rehearsals**_

_**6.45pm**_

I feel like a dozy bee. Dave has to be the best snogger in the world and that is _le _fact.

_**Home**_

_**10.20pm**_

Phew! I am tuckered like two short tuckered things on a tucker farm. Rosie is like a slave driver on the dance. She was yelling stuff like, "Knees higher! You call that a Viking Face! You look like a badger! Stick those nungas out!" Yes, she did say that.

Oh, M_erde, trés trés Merde_. The Elderly Insane are having a get together. Granddad was their with Maisie, his knitted bride to be.

_**2 minutes later**_

I gave Maisie my knitting from textiles. I thought she was going to faint. She has promised to knit me some new slippers in return.

_**Bed of Luuurve**_

_**3 minutes later**_

I can't believe Dave has a diary! I didn't know guys kept diaries too.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder what he has put in it? About me?

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that I am ever going to find out. It's his secret diary, with his secret stuff in it.

_**30 seconds later**_

Secret stuff about me in it…

_**2 minutes**__** later **_

Not that I'd ever even think about reading it.

* * *

**Hah! You'll never read it, will you Georgia??**

**Right-o, that was Imogen's last proper chapter. The shopping and this was really the whole point of her in the story. Although I might put something about her in Horns, she's a good character to get the dirt on Dave dished out.**

**Nash-wise: the cheese-harvesting isn't based on my brother, because I told him that but he didn't believe me BUT my step brother who lives in Telford with my dad's new family believes it. But he is mega gullible; he thinks The Incredible Hulk is Tom Jones because my dad told him that. Imagine the kids at school 'Ooooh, my fave super hero is Spiderman!' 'Nah, I luuurve superman,' 'Well, I love Tom Jones!' 'You what?' Lol. But the nail painting is based on my real brother, the inspiration of Nash, we once painted them hot pink and he came home from school the next day saying that they all called him the 'lady-boy' and he kept his hands in his trouser pockets all day. Hahahaha.**

**I can't believe it took me this long to update! I was dying to write this chapter!! Back to school tomorrow…poo.**

**Oh, to do with the lithium in acid. I really don't know the reaction of that. We asked in science if we could put an alkali metal in acid but the teacher said no it would make a bomb, I don't know how serious she was being and how violent of a bomb it would be. But anyway, hope it worked**** story-wise!! Me and Vinnie2757 spent ages speculating over it on email.**

**Ps. I love knitting and that is why I**** put it in there! Seriously! It is the best thing EVER. I am a student at the feet of Maisie…or at least my Nan.**

**PPS. I got the idea about what Dave said that they tied Dec up using Duct tape from something that happened ages ago in the playground****. All the jerks of life decided to try and tape the nerds to the trees using duct tape. But then they got bored because the nerds ran off and volunteered to tie themselves to trees. I was quite amused. Especially since one of the boys I fancied at the time (one of the jerks, hmmm) got tied to a tree, hehehehehe.**


	11. Authors Note

**Hi all**

**Just a quick note to say, no, I haven't died. Sky should start being updated more regularly.**

**You see, the reason for the hiatus was because a) I had school and I've been far too knackered to bother with this and b) I chickened out on part of the plot and was trying to think how to get certain events that come from that part to still happen. But now I'm going to have that part that I've chickened out on but I've changed it a bit so it's better. You'll get what I mean in the last-but-one chappy!! Maybe!**

**Oh yes, and I've also been working on this cartoon I've been doing called "You Look Like You've Seen A Ghost'. I was originally going to do it as yet ANOTHER fanfic but I shall refer you once again to the a,b,c list:**

**a) I've got two ffs on the go and that's enough at the mo**

**b) The way the characters need to be are not Dave and Georgia like, the plot was dreamt up when I was in an emo mood so the plot is a bit emo-ish and so the characters get quite depressive at times. **

**c) Well, as the title implies, it's something about ghosts and the main guy character is a ghost and I think if I did write it as a Georgie Nicks fanfic, I'll be ripped limb from limb then chargrilled if I killed the Laugh off…so it's a cartoon with my own characters; Elizabeth and Taylor. Check them out on Deviant Art (my d.a. profile linkies in my fanfic profile) **

**Anyway, just so you know I'm still going to carry this on and that I'm alive I guess. And I am very much alive and babbling again!! Lol!**

**Anyway, I best get writing!! **

**S'laters**

**Trampy Mouse**


	12. The Sound Resonates in the Flab

**Right O! Let us get downus to business-us.**

* * *

**The Sound Resonates in the Flab**

_**Friday June 20**__**th**_

_**7.30am**_

I very nearly had a heart attack when I woke up. And that is _le_ fact. Do you know why? Because some fule had let Dave the Laugh up to my bedroom while I was sleeping, that is why. And I woke up with his face about two inches away from mine.

He said, "Rise and shine, sunshine!" and snogged me really gently. I was barely awake and I went into mega jelloid-mode. It was fabby and marvy to the extreme.

He said when he'd finished, "I love it when I make you go all vegetable-like,"

Oh _Merde_. Is my jelloidosity that obvious?

I said, "What do you expect when I am woken up by a snog? That's not really fair play, Dave,"

He said, "Ah, yes, but you know you love it really," and he climbed onto my bed and snuggled up to me. It was vair, vair nice.

I said, "Who let you up to my room anyway?"

Dave said, "Your Mutti. She said I might have better chance at waking you up, you little lazy minx,"

I said, "_I'm_ a lazy minx?? I think you're the lazy minx, Mr. Laugh. I still remember the fact that you woke up at one in the afternoon that once. How in the name of pantibus did you manage to get up so early today?"

"Because some twit of first water decided to buy Nash a water gun,"

Of course.

_**10 minutes later**_

Me and Dave snuggled up for a bit until the Portly One started yelling for me to get my botty out of bed and get to school. It was only 7.40 but you'd think by the way he was carrying on it was 9.00. It was a shame really, because I felt really happy being snuggly-buggly with Dave the Laugh. I didn't want to go to school, even though I would be skinned alive by the Nazi Patrol if I didn't. I could have stayed like this forever.

"I could stay snuggled up with you forever,"

OhmyGiddyGod! I just said that out loud. But Dave didn't tease me or anything. That's why I like him; he's just so…nice.

"Ah, come on Sex Kitty. It's the last day and then you can snuggle up to me all summer hols if you really would like. You better get your nungas clothed. You've got some Viking Dancing to do today, remember,"

Oh Merde. I'd forgotten the talent show-situation type fandango.

I said, "And you've got some laughing to be doing,"

He said, "Ah, of course. Did you make the giant sign?"

I said, "No, I was too busy being told by Rosie, a.k.a Viking Dance Co-ordinator to stick my nungas out while I was dancing,"

"Oh, I would like to see that,"

I just looked at him. He shrugged.

Then I said, "I need to get dressed into my school uni; could you go wait outside my room for a bit?"

Dave said, "Aw, do I have to?"

"Yes," and I ushered him out of my room.

_**8.25am**_

We met Jas on her wall. She wasn't with Tom today and was huffing and flicking her fringe like an irritating goose-gog. Which she was.

_**8.40am**_

Rosie almost attacked us in the playground; she was already wearing her Viking gear. I had mine in my bag because I have much more maturiosity than wear it on the way to school. Some of Tosser Thompson's Mate were yelling "Have you got any yak meat?" until Rosie shouted back, "Vikings ate fish, you fules. Have you got the mental age of a spoon?"

And I think the answer is yes.

But they carried on cat calling until Dave and his mates stepped in and herded them away. Like sheep.

Dave said, "I don't think they will be bothering you anymore, Ro Ro,"

I was impressed. I said, "Because you scared them off?"

Dave said, "No. It is because Sven has just arrived,"

Tosser Thompson's crew were running for their lives. Happy Days!!

_**9.00am**_

Yes! Yes and three times yes! No assembly today because of the lower years having their talent show in the morning (double yes _avec_ knobs, we don't have to put up with childish banter). Instead we have to do _trés_ stupid activities.

Like making paper chains. _Was ist der_ point??

_**5 minutes later**_

I said to Dave, "_Was ist der_ point?"

He said, "_Der ist nicht _point,"

Which is a good answer.

_**2 minutes later**_

Jas has the humpty because I have been cutting the loops too fat. Who cares?? Jas actually. As usual, she is ludicrously fringy and botty liking about this. I may be forced to shoot her. She is vair, vair annoying, all red faced and keen.

I said to Dave, when Jas was hanging over Ellen like a bat, "It is vair stupid; Jas actually cares about this, she is all red faced and keen. Why?"

Dave, who was on sticky-tape cutting duties said, "Well… it's very therapeutic and relaxing. Good for your chi and all that jazz,"

What in the name of God's Bushy Beard is he on about?

I said, "What in the name of God's Bushy Beard are you on about?"

Dave said, "I honestly don't know. I think the smell of the sticky tape is getting to me," and he pretended to be all woozy and dizzy and fall onto my shoulder.

I said, "I wish we could have just stayed snuggled up instead of coming in,"

Dave said, "Yes, but we wouldn't stay snuggling up, because you would want to heed the call of the vegetable,"

I looked at him blankly so he said, "We would end up snogging. Not that I am complaining, of course. I am just stating a well-known fact,"

"A fact?"

"Why yes, Kittykat," said Dave, "The fact that you can't keep your hands off me for five minutes,"

Cheeky Cat.

Dave shrugged, "But who can blame you? I am a biscuit after all,"

Oh, he is sooo vain!

I told him that. I said, "Dave, you are so vain,"

He said, "I have good reason to be; being as gorgey as me needs some self belief,"

"My point exactly,"

"Ah, but you love it really though, don't you, Sex Kitty. See! You're puckering up at the mere thought of it!"

"I'm NOT!"

I was a little though.

He poked my lips and spoke to them like they were their own person, "I'm not snogging you in class, you cheeky minxes. Control yourself, at least until break,"

I was about to say that I had perfect self control, fanks very much when he stuck a piece of sticky tape over my mouth.

Lovely.

_**2 minutes later**_

Hahahaha. Excellent. I've stuck a piece of sticky tap over Dave's mouth. Unfortunately neither of us can speak properly.

I said to Dave, "Mmm Mmmm-Mmm Mm,"

And he said, "Mm Mmmmmm Mm-Mmmm,"

We have such intellectual conversations.

_**3 minutes later**_

When my brain is not rambling on to itself at 100 miles per hour. Luckily that only usually happens when I'm snogging.

I wonder whether that's normal?

I said to Jas, quietly, "Mmmm, Mm-"

"Gee, take the tape off your mouth,"

Spoil sport.

I said, "Jas? When you and Hunky are snogging do you ramble on in your head?"

Jas said, "I repeat the Guide Girl Code in my head,"

How normal is that? Not vair normal, that is the answer.

_**2 minutes later**_

I asked Rosie.

She said, "In my head? God, no! I ramble out loud; me and Sven are very open about everything,"

I said, "I really don't want to know about you and Sven being open about everything,"

Erlack.

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh came strolling over, covered head to foot in sticky tape. When he got over he held his hands up and said, "Take it easy on me, girls. I am a veteran of a Sticky Tape War,"

I noticed Rollo and Dec were also wrapped up in sticky tape. Good Grief!

Still, it had me laughing like a proverbial loon on loon tablets. Especially since Dec and Rollo were doing gorilla impressions at the same time.

Dave said, "I have given into your Sex Kitty charm and my own nosiness to intrude on your conversation,"

Oh Poo! I don't really want to tell Dave that I ramble on about a lot of nothing when I am snogging him. He might ask what I am saying! Oh, poo, oh _trés_ poo.

But then again, he might ramble on to himself too!

So I asked him, I said, "Dave, do you ramble on inside your own head when you snog me?"

He looked a bit phased and full of inward bewilderment. So I said, "When I'm snogging, I'm talking a load of poo to myself like a loon. Do you do that?"

Dave said, looking thoughtful, "Sometimes," then he grinned, "Why? Do my inner thoughts worry you, Kittykat?"

I said, "Not really. Just curious. So what do you think about?"

Dave said, "A lot of WUBBISH mostly,"

"But what sort of WUBBISH?" I pressed.

Dave tapped his nose and said, "That's for me to know, you to wonder,"

Hmp.

_**1 minute later**_

That's not fair. He should tell me. We should be out in the open about everything. Like Rosie and Sven.

_**2 minutes later**_

But not quite Rosie and Sven. I would have to put my foot down with a firm hand if Dave suggests giving me a love bite on my tummy like Sven gave Rosie. Or a love bite anywhere for that matter (Oo-er). They are vair, vair disgusting and I do not want one.

_**3 minutes later**_

But I am probably a tinsy winsy bit prejudiced since the Po and Hunky-type Love Bite on the Toe-Fandango. Erlack a Pongoes!!

_**1 minute later**_

What in the name of pantyhose was Tom doing with Jas' feet in his mouth anyway? Is it a new (_trés_ stupid) form of snogging? Like hand snogging? Foot snogging? Erlack, Erlack, Erlack. How disgusting! And Jas was probably chanting the Girl Guide Code as he did it. Erlack! I must get the image of Jas and Tom out of my head.

_**2 minutes later**_

What normal person rants the Girl Guide code?

What normal person _knows_ the Girl Guide code?

_**4 minutes later**_

At least I know that she rambles too. And so does Dave the Laugh.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh, what _does_ he think about!?

_**2 minutes later**_

I bet I would find out if I read his diary.

_**3 minutes later**_

But of course I would never do that. It's his private thoughts. Not for me to read.

_**4 minutes later**_

Especially after he threw a ludicrous spaz attack after Imogen read it out.

_**2 minutes later**_

Although, if the shoe was on the other side of the penny; I would have probably done exactly the same. I would die if Dave the Laugh read my diary. And that is _le_ fact.

So I must resist the temptation of reading his. I will lock away the awariosity that he has a diary in a little cupboard in my brain box and never think of it again…

Deffo.

_**20 minutes later**_

The paper chain is complete! Jas is all proud because (she thinks) she did most the work. We were about to measure everyone's in the class, because we were supposed to have some crap and naff competition to see who's is the longest. How_ doof_ is that? _Sehr Doof_. Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Ah yes, we were about to measure them up when Nauseating P Green tripped over a stray paper chain and fell over onto the chains and tore them in half.

All the boys started shouting "Who ate all the pies?!" Even her so called horn partners; Phil the Nerd and Spotty Norman.

That is the sort of world we live in.

_**Break**_

I was about to head to our normal spot but Dave the Laugh grabbed me and carted me off.

I said, "What in the name of Jas' Giant Knick Knacks are you doing, Dave? This is assault and battery, all over again,"

Dave said, "Seeing as I am Dave the Biscuit and simply irresistible but you still managed to control yourself in class, despite having mad puckering attacks, I think it is only fair to relieve your misery and snog you to an inch of your life,"

Oo-er.

And he took me to behind the Science Block and very gently pushed me up against the wall and started snogging me. Just little kisses at first and then he started snogging me properly; number six and some nip libbling. And then some neck nuzzling. And then he did ear snogging! The Laugh can do ear snogging! Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons! He's branching out a bit! But it was tree-ly brillopads. Ah! ShutupShutupShutup about trees! I must stop this rambling by getting to the root of the problem. Root! Hahahaha! I'm going barking mad. Bark! SHUT UP BRAIN!

_**3 minutes later**_

Sacré Bleu. Dave is vair, vair good at ear snogging as it happens. He is _trés_ talented in the snogging department. He was gently nibbling the lobe of my ear. He is quite a fan of this nibbling lark. Fan-bloody-tastic.

Then he gave me one little kiss on the mouth and stopped snogging me all together. No! Stop stopping!!

He just looked at me for a bit and then said, "So what is your brain rambling on about this time?"

"How can you assume that my brain is rambling on? I am far too full of maturiosity and I am vair, vair sophis,"

He just raised an eyebrow. So I said, "I was thinking of trees,"

He nodded as if it was obvious.

And then there was a bang which nearly made me poo myself (not literally, as that would be vair, vair unattractive. I mean in the metaphorical sense, you loons).

Dave said, "Blimey. The end of the year celebrations are a little early this year!" and we went back into the playground only to find the junior blunder boys had set off some jumping jacks.

Dave shook his head and tutted in a way I think he fondly thought of as sophis and grown up. It wasn't.

_**Lunch**_

Rosie is being incredibly annoying about this Viking Dancing. You would think she was the one who wanted to be a famous backing singer/ bee keeper not me. She was making us practice at lunch and she got the Barmy Army to stand guard while we practiced behind the bike shed, encase anyone sees and it 'spoils the performance for them'. Honestly. She has gone mad.

I think she may copyright the dance soon.

Dave the Laugh was being vair, vair irritating. He kept wolf whistling at me which was _trés_ distracting. In the end I had to threaten him with a snogging hiatus and he shrugged his shoulders in a sort of sheepish was (not to say he turned woolly- you know what I mean) and said, "I am sorry, Kittykat. But I can't help it when I am watching a bunch of Sex Kitties dancing. I am only human after all,"

Rosie said, "Oy, Mister, you are supposed to have your back turned so it doesn't spoil the dance for later. Otherwise you won't get the full affect of the costumes,"

Rollo said, "Costumes?"

Dave said, "Kittykat, will you be wearing a skimpy mini skirt?"

I said, "Not skimpy; it's armoured,"

"Excellent,"

I just looked at him until he turned around so we could get on with our dance practice.

_**Talent Show!**_

Biggeth Momentus o' ye olde nervous-us!

Everyone who was performing went back stage and me and the girls nipped off to get changed into our Viking gear. I felt a bit nervous but also vair, vair excited.

Let the Viking Dance Fest begin!!

Rosie was absolutely bonkers. She was jumping up and down on the spot, singing what she liked to think was the Viking National Anthem. It wasn't. It was Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Still, it was the thought that counts.

The whole ace gang were excited. Ellen managed to poke herself in the eye with her mascara brush and dithered for a whole five minutes on whether she should try to wash it out or not.

Happy Days.

_**5 minutes later**_

Even Jas is excited, which is a shocker and a half. Because by excited I mean excited. No fringe flicking or voleyness going on. She was almost like a normal human being.

Almost.

And in a rare moment of geniosity she suggested we flicked our heads over so our hair dangled upside down and then brush it, to get the _trés_ wild look.

What a petite genius I have as a pally.

_**2 minutes later**_

I am never trusting Jas with my hair again. At least this side of the grave. Because it is far too scary for this life.

I look like I've been electrocuted.

_**10 minutes later**_

When we got back to the boys, Dave was the first to notice us and pretended that his jaw dropped open in awe and he had to push it back up with his hands. _Trés amusante!_

And then he stroked my hair (yummy scrumboes!) and said, "Sex Kitty…you look like you've been electrocuted,"

Brillopads.

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh the tension! The tension!

Slim and Mr. Waggly Ears announced the start of the talent show and all that jazz in what I supposed they thought (wrongly) was an entertaining and funny way. Slim even tried to do a little preppy jig. On stage. Chins a-waggling. It was horrific.

_**3 minutes later**_

The musical category was first and Katie Steadman was up first playing the violin. It was ok but a bit on the squawky side. Then Phil the Nerd was up and did some really naff techno music on the keyboard. It was pants but Nauseating P. Green looked besotted and proud. Spotty Norman had the mega green eyed monster. Good Grief!

_**10 minutes later**_

Hahahaha! Fabbytastic!

Wet Lindsay had signed up and was playing the clarinet. How sad is that?? But anyway, she took a big blow and it made this funny sort of strangled noise. She kept trying but the clarinet just sounded like an elephant that was having trouble pooing. We could hear the audience in hysterics.

In the end the Octopussy One said that somebody must have sabotaged her clarinet. It turned out that it had been plugged full of sawdust.

_**2 minutes later**_

The titches bounded up to us (shouldn't they be making paper chains??) and said, "Did you like what we did, miss? To Lindsay's instrument?"

I stared at them amazed like a shocked earwigs. They were becoming regular menaces. Marvy!

I gave them a high five which they seemed to like and said, "Keep it up, girls! Now, scoot back to class,"

They pouted like small, stroppy, bouncing fish with piggy tails and then noticed Dave the Laugh who had his arm around my shoulders.

"Ooooh, miss! Is he your boyfriend now?" Honor said.

Dave said, "Yep, you'd better believe it. Excellent work with the sawdust, girls. You'll do us Foxwood lads out of a job. But you better zap back off to class; you don't want a detention on the last day, do you?"

They went all red faced and swoony when he spoke to them and giggled, "Okay, Dave," and sped off. Hmp. They listen to _him_.

I teased, "Aaaaw, they luuurve you! You have acquired your own personal, titchy stalkers,"

"I know," said Dave, "They terrify me,"

_**20 minutes later**_

Oh, double tension with knobs!!

The Dance Category had been announced! Luckily, we weren't up first. I say luckily but Rosie was quite annoyed. She is taking these Talent Show-type Larks far too seriously.

I said that to her. I said, "Rosie, you are taking these Talent Show-type Larks far too seriously,"

She said, "I am spreading Viking Awareness into a bleak culture. I am virtually a martyr in my own right. I must take my duties seriously,"

_**1 minute later**_

I feel so nervy!! I am having jittery nervy spazzes.

_**3 minutes later**_

Hilariousity is a-promised!

The Blunder Boys (including Mark Big Gob) are in the dance section. Seriously!! I nearly had a spaz attack when they were called on stage!

Dave said, "Oh, I _so_ hope they are doing ballet. Seeing Mark Big Gob pirouette will make my life complete,"

_**1 minute later**_

They didn't do ballet. I think Mark Big Gob was scared his mouth might make him top heavy. I doubted their balance would be much good on tip toes. He wasn't vair, vair good at the dance he was doing balance-wise anyway. None of them were.

They were doing a crappy street dance to some rap music. It was so unbelievably naff and chavvy. And they were all out of synch.

And then the whole thing turned into a fisticuffs because one of the Blunder Boys accidently turned into Mark Big Gob, who took it was an offence and punched his 'mate' in the jaw. And then there was this massive argy-bargy until the teachers broke them up and frog marched them off stage. There was a lot of swearing from the Blunder Boys.

Dave shouted to them as they were marched past us, "Where's your tutu, Mark?"

_**5 minutes later**_

Oh! Oh! Jitter attack!

It's our turn!

My time to shine!

Yessssss.

Dave gave me a quick hug as I was about to go out and said, "Break a leg, Kittykat," (Hopefully, it is obvious to even the vair, vair dim, he didn't literally mean break a leg. He was saying good luck like how the theatre type people say it, if you know what I mean and I think you do),

I said, "I probably will knowing my luck. Ellen still doesn't always kick to the right side,"

He grinned and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and as I walked to join the others who were waiting behind the curtain, I felt a hand tap my botty. I turned around but Dave was pretending to be innocent.

Not very well.

_**1 minute later**_

We went onto the stage all cloaked up and I liked to think that the audience were all breathless with anticipation of what was under the cloaks (Oo-er).

That is what I like to think.

And then Jingle Bells started up and we flung open our cloaks to show them our Viking Attire. There were a lot of cat calls and cheeky wolf whistles from the boys but I didn't hear what they said. I think I must have had one of those watsits…adrenaline rushes.

It was fabby! We launched into our dance routine with gusto and vim.

Stamp, stamp to the left,

Left leg kick, kick,

Arm up,

Stab, stab to the left (that's the pillaging bit),

Stamp, stamp to the right,

Right leg kick, kick,

Arm up,

Stab, stab to the right, (Ellen nearly poked my eyes out stabbing to the left but I forgave her)

Quick twirl round with both hands raised to Thor (whatever) and put in some swishy cape movements.

Raise your (pretend) drinking horn to the left,

Drinking horn to the right,

Horn to the sky,

All over body shake

Huddly duddly,  
And fall to knees with a triumphant shout of "HORRRRNNNNN!!"

And then we slammed our cloaks shut like Viking Vampire bats and stayed on our knees like (attractive) bundles of rags. The crowd went BARMY!! They were all clapping. When I got off the stage, I think I saw Hawkeye wipe a tear from her eye.

But then I did have a hood over my face.

When we got backstage we had a massive group hug. Rosie was saying, "We did it, girls! We showed the world that Vikings are the Gods of Dance!!"

Then the rest of them shuffled off to their boyfriends. Typico.

Dave came bounding over and said, "Wowzee Wow. Excellent dancing Gee!! I feel so proud; I have a star for a girlfriend!"

Aaaaw!

Then he looked at me. I was still all huddled in my cloak. He said, "You look like druid in that cloak. You are not going to go all Celtic and prance around in woad are you?"

"I might,"

He said, "Oh dear. I am not going to end up getting sacrificed at Stonehenge or anything, am I?"

I said, doing what I hoped was a stern Viking/Celt expression, "If you are then it'll be Death by Snogging,"

Dave said, "Ah, I guess I can live with that. Do I get a near death experience; as a taster?"

I said, "Maybe,"

"I'll look forward to it,"

_**2 minutes later**_

We are such a good combo; he taught me the Wild Ways of Nip Libbling and I showed him how it feels to be jelloid.

_**1 minute later**_

I quite like that; I know how to make him go jelloid. Because now he knows what its like, I feel less of a fule when it happens to me.

_**3 minutes later**_

Oh, I quite literally luuurvey luuurve LOVE Dave the Laugh. I can't believe it took me so longio to figure that out.

I sat with him on one of the bench and we were both all cuddled in my Viking Cloak. My heart just wanted to burst out of my chest and scream "I LOVE YOU, DAVE!!"

Actually, it was true. It was beating as fast as two short fast things and quite loudly too.

Dave said, "Is that your heart, Gee? I must have underestimated my biscuitosity if I can make it sound like that!"

I was a bit on the embarrassed betroot side but said, "Actually, I just have vair, vair high blood pressure,"

Dave looked at me like I was talking WUBBISH. I was.

_**20 minutes later**_

The singers were up next. First there was someone who thought he could sing opera (he couldn't. And he also couldn't dress himself, he look like what is commonly known as a Wally). And then there was an equally painful debut of 'Aggadoo'.

And then Nauseating P Green was called to the stage.

I said to Dave, "Do we have any ear plugs?"

Dave put one hand over my one ear and one over his own.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh my Giddy God's Pyjamas! I cannot believe it! It is unbelievable, that is why.

_**1 minute later**_

Nauseating P Green can actually sing!! Ok, it was a song about hamsters but she is, it has to be said, vair good at singing. Outstanding.

I made an 'O' shape with my mouth to show my amazement. Dave said, "Blimey,"

Rosie came over and I told her that I was amazed, you would have thought her general jelloid shape would have clogged up her vocal watsits.

Rosie shook her head wisely, "You have it wrong Gee. The fat doesn't stop the singing; it helps. The sound resonates in the flab,"

_**30 seconds later**_

Spotty Norman and Phil the Nerd had an argy bargy to be the first to hug their Sex Hammy well done.

Good Grief.

_**10 minutes later**_

Finallyyyyy, the General Category was announced. This was Dave's category. First up was some frog-like blonde boy who was doing hypnotism. Dave groaned.

I said, "What, don't you want to be hypnotised?"

He said, "No, I just don't want to be last. The finishing act is supposed to be the best. That's quite a lot to ask. Too much pressure,"

I said, "I'm sure you won't be last,"

_**1 minute later**_

But after the (unsuccessful) hypnotism act, there was a girl from the year above me doing gymnastics. And then a guy doing magic tricks with cards and he dropped them.

I said to Dave, "Are you nervy?"

He said, "I guess I am a bit," but he grinned at me.

_**8 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh was right. He was the last person. When they called his name he winked at me and then said, "Wish me luck?"

I said, "Deffo. Goodus Luckus,"

He said, "Thankus," and did a spot of mad dancing with me before he went off. And then he said, "Oh! I almost forgot," and he pulled his red nose out of his pocket.

I raised my eyebrows.

He said, as he bunged it on his nose, "It's lucky,"

I said, "You don't need luck, Dave. You're Jack the Biscuit and so you are brillopads,"

_**5 minutes later**_

He was actually!! He was vair, vair good. More than vair, vair good. Even with knobs (Oo-er). He got everyone laughing like loons on loon tablets. I thought my sides were going to split!

He was marvy. It made me feel really chuffed. I haven't ever seen him do anything proper before and he did it superbly. He was _trés_ brilliant. I was vair impressed. I felt really proudie.

When he came off the stage he was really hyped up and buzzing. He was shouting, "They luuurve me! They reeeeally luuurve me!"

Like over dramatic actresses do.

_**2 minutes later**_

We are going to be unstoppable in the world of fame when we are grown up. Dave making people laugh and me and my spectacular backing dancing skills. We are like a couple of shiny stars!!

_**6 minutes later**_

We were all called from back stage to the main assembly hall to listen to the Oberfurhers moan on about what a crap year it's been.

Ho hum pigs bum.

_**3.30pm**_

It's absolute chaos!!

The Foxwood lads had got vair, vair excited about the summer hols and went WILD! There were more jumping jacks, toilet rolls being chucked into the air, books thrown out of windows, water bombs and then some twits of first water decided to start lobbing eggs everywhere.

Jas got hit first. Then one smashed me in the side of the head, then one landed on Rosie and then Dave the Laugh got one thrown into his back.

I said, "Erlack! Erlack! This is going to take years to come out my hair!"

Dave said, "Well, put it this way Kittykat. You'll be a right genius…in fact you could say you'll be an egg-head,"

That was the naffest joke I have ever heard.

I told him that, I said, "Dave, that is the naffest joke I've ever heard!"

He said, "I do my best, Sex Kitty,"

_**4.00pm**_

I wanted to go and hang around with Dave the Laugh but we had to go home to wash the egg off us.

As we gave each other a good bye snog, I asked Dave, "Is it usually like that on the last day?"

Dave shook his head and then said, "That was nothing. It's usually worse. Most of the lads were restraining themselves in front of you ladeeez. S'laters,"

Worse!? Good Grief!

_**5.00pm**_

Jas phoned.

I said, "_Bonsoir_,"

She wailed, "Gee, I can't get the egg out of my fringe!!"

Oh Merde. I can't be being a fringe guru.

I said, "Cut it off then,"

"WHAT?!"

"You know, like if you get chuddie stuck in your hair; you cut it out,"

Jas said, "I can't do that! I'd look ridiculous!"

"More than you do, already??"

And she leapt in her huff mobile for no reason what so ever. And slammed the phone down on me. Hmp.

_**5.30pm**_

Phone rang again. I bet it's Jas. Moaning about her fringe. Again. Typico.

I said, mastering my (excellent) self-restrain, "Don't come crying to me! I told you to cut it off!!"

"Cut _what_ off exactly, Kittykat?"

It was Dave. I felt like the biggest fule known to man-kind.

I said, "Oh, hi, ol' Davey! Sorry about that- I thought that you were Jas whining about her fringe. It has egg stuck in it,"

"Oh dear. Will she have to go on fringe-flicking hiatus?"

"So you've noticed she does that as well?"

"Who _hasn't_. Sex Kitty?"

I said, "So have you managed to get all the egg off your jumper?"

Dave said, "I tried to bung it in the washing machine discreetly but I swear Mutti has CCTV in there. She saw it and had a blue fit. And a half,"

"A blue fit?"

"Yes," said Dave, "You know like when babies are tantrumming so hard they stop breathing? Well, that's a blue fit, so named because you can end up quite blue not breathing,"

What in the name of giddy god's pyjamas is he on about?

Then Dave said, before I could ask him, "Talking of the elderly insane; that is why I phoned. My Resident Loons and Nash are staying for a couple of nights at my Gran's. It is a nightmare I have thankfully escaped, because I am 'allergic' to the smell of Bovril. So the short and short of it is that I am free of elderly loons. So I was wondering, in my capacity of your beloved boyfriend, whether you would like to stop the night?"

Uh-Oh.

I said, "What about Imogen?" I have an excuse not to go over if she's there. She scares me sort of. Not that I don't want to sleep over at Dave's. It's just encase…you know.

Dave said, "Ah, that is the only fly in the ointment. Im has the same opinion of the Wrinkly Kinds as I have- unless of course, they plan to leave her a lot of inheritance and then she's the simpering granddaughter. Unfortunately, they are not ready to kick the bucket quite yet so she's staying behind too. But no worries. She will take advantage of the situation-type fandango and be partying away until all hours. She won't want to come back. And even if she did want to, I doubt she'll find her way home. Partying is Im-Speak for getting smashed. Sooo, how about it then? We will have the house to ourselves,"

I decided to take the bullet by the horns and said, "Err, what will we be doing exactly?"

"What do you think we'll be doing?" and then he realised what I meant, "GEORGIA!! Honestly! You have such a rudey-dudey mind it's unbelievable! I am only your beloved boyfriend by what? Three days? You are being incredibly forwards,"

"I thought that is what you were getting at!"

"Of course, _Sex_ Kitty. What _I _was getting at. Just keep telling yourself that and someone may believe you,"

Oh, he is such a cheeky cat!

"I merely meant for what ever late night movies we can find on four channels, snacksies, snogging and then finally nodding off on the sofa after staying up to ridiculous hours of the morning,"

"Oh," I said, "Ok then. Only because I am slavey girl to your irresistible charm."

"Excellent. I will bell you when it is safe to make your appearance. It would be best if you missed the leaving brigade. You see, my dear old Mutti gets rather over emotional and if she insisted on hugging me in front of you, I will never be able to show my face in this town again. I'll have to wear a paper bag on my head. And that would be a shame for someone as gorgeous as I. And then I will have to wait another million years for my sister to decide on outfits or whatever you girl-types spend a life time doing. After she has tarted off on her merry way, it'll be funaroonies time, yeah?"

I said, "Yeah…Dave?"

"At your service,"

"You said they were away for a couple of nights; am I staying two nights or one?"

Dave paused and then said, "You can stay two if you _really_ want to- but I was planning on throwing a party the Saturday night,"

"You don't want me over?" Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! A minute ago I was having a spaz attack over what might happen if I was over, and now I was upset that he only wanted me over one night. Good Grief akimbo!

He said, "Of course I do! I just thought you'd be tired after partying and you'd want the peace of your own bed,"

I said, "Hahahaha, good one Dave. There is no peace in my bed; Libby always insists on coming in my bed and bringing her menagerie of toys and occasionally vegetables,"

Dave the Laugh said, "I love your house; it's mad but in a good way. I only get beaten up and soaked with a water gun by my little brother. I will have to stay over yours sometime,"

I said, "Have no fear. Vati will blow a watsit if I asked him. That is why I will be telling them I'm stopping over at Jas',"

Dave said, "Understandable. My Folks aren't exactly in the know about you staying over either. Or the party. I will most definitely be beheaded otherwise,"

I laughed and said, "Anyway, I better phone Jas to make sure she doesn't phone me to talk about her eggy fringy while I'm over yours,"

Dave said, "Ok, Sex Kitty. Can you tell your mates about the party? It's rather short notice and I haven't got time to go running around everyone. Tell them to spread the word, too, just not to idiots,"

"Okey Dokily, S'laters then,"

"S'later, Kittykat…Love you,"

"Love you too. Pip, pip,"

_**2 minutes later**_

Tee Hee. Both of us said 'Love you'. Because we do; love each other. And it's all finey and dandy.

_**4 minutes later**_

Phoned Jas.

"Jazzy, dearest?"

"What do you want Gee? I am busy trying to get the egg out my fringe,"

Oh, she's a bit surly bananas.

I said, in my niciosity personified-type voice, "Jas, Dave has invited me to stop two nights at his house,"

She sniffed.

I carried on, "But if I tell my loons, Vati will quite possibly have a haemorrhage. Could I say I am staying at yours, Jazzy?"

"No,"

I said, "Wrong, Jas. You are supposed to say, 'of course, Gee! As you are my bestest pally',"

"You called me ridiculous looking, bestest pallies don't do that, Gee,"

Oh Merde. Miss Stroppy Knickers.

I said, "I was only being light and jokey Jas. Where's your _joie de vivre_?"

Jas said, "You can't keep making hurtful jokes all the time, Georgia. Especially when your friend is in dire need of advice,"

Oh, this is all I want. An epipha-watsit-type scene.

I was about to say something meanio but I said instead, "Jas, did you know egg is really good for your hair?? It's like a natural conditioner. Makes your hair all silky and smooth. Not that you need it; your fringe is bloody gorgey any way. But think how enchantingly beautiful it'll be after it! Hunky's not going to be able to resist,"

Jas said, "Really?"

I said, "Yes, really. You're into nature and all that jazz; it's a vair natural style-watsit. You should start using egg on a regular basis. No reason to worry about your fringe,"

"Ok. You're a brilliant mate, Georgia,"

I know. And a brilliant liar too.

Jas said, "Yes, you can pretend you are staying over at mine, if you like. I need to go; I want to have a look at my fringe to see how shiny and nice it is,"

Of course.

_**2 minutes later**_

Cor! I'm vair, vair good at this sweet talk-type fiascos.

_**3 minutes later**_

I really hope Jas didn't believe me though. Or she has enough sense not to wash her hair in egg.

Otherwise she is going to be vair pingy pongoes. Erlack!

_**20 minutes later**_

I phoned the rest of the Ace Gang to tell them about Dave's party. Rosie said that Sven would be DJ. I bet Dave the Laugh will be thrilled.

_**6.30pm**_

Ok. What to pack??

_**3 minutes later**_

Make up is essential.

_**2 minutes later**_

As is hair products.

_**5 minutes later**_

Clothes for tomorrow. I can pop back to change for the party; I will need to knick some of Mutti's stuff anyway.

What to wear tomorrow??

_**3 minutes later**_

Clothes obviously.

I could wear my denim mini skirt.

_**2 minutes later**_

But what if it's nippy noodles?

I'll take jeans.

_**4 minutes later**_

I packed both. And three tops, so I'd have a choice.

_**2 minutes later**_

Why is this over-night bag so small?

_**5 minutes later**_

Right now. Pyjamas.

_**1 minute later**_

Should I take my teletubby jimjams?

But they are rather like Jas' knickers. Large and shapeless. Not terribly attractive.

I have shocked Dave with my huge jimjams before (or HUGE pyjamas, as he put it). I don't think he deserves to be scarred for life a second time.

_**3 minutes later**_

But the only other pyjamas I have, which isn't covered in something Libby-Related, is a silky nightie. Which is vair, vair pretty but I am worried it will give off the wrong signals. Hmmmmmmmmm.

_**5 minutes later**_

Packed both. I'll decide when I get there.

I had to sit on the night bag to zip it up. Gadzooks!!

_**8.30pm**_

Phone Rang. I nearly fell down the stairs to get it. I was right, though, it was Dave the Laugh.

"_Bonsoir_, Sex Kitty. I bring tidings of great joy; I am now free of elderly loons and the coast is clear for you to come over!!"

He sounded sort of funny. Like he was running around.

"Dave, are you running around?"

He said, "_Nein_. I am jumping on the sofa. I never get to do this normally,"

Hells Bells!!

"I also have composed a victory dance in my freedom. I will show it to you when you come over, Kittykat,"

I said, "I will look forward to it. I'll see you in a bit then,"

"S'later,"

_**2 minutes later**_

I got down to the front door with my bag and yelled, "I'm staying over at Jas' for a couple of nights,"

Mutti said, "You didn't tell me about this,"

Ohhhhhh. Don't pull the concerned Mutti act on me now!!

I lied, "Yes, I did, I told you ages ago. Didn't you remember?"

THAT got her thinking.

Then she said, "Ok, then, see you in a couple of days,"

Yessssss.

Then Vati had to stick his hoof in it (not that he is a horse. More like a Billy Goat Gruff, with his ridiculous badger-attachment), "Do you want me to drive you there? It's quite dark,"

No!

I said, "a) Its only eight thirty and b) I need the exercise, now I really must go. I'll be back on Sunday, Byeeeeee!!"

And I sped out the house like a shadow of the night.

Georgia the bat strikes again!!

_**9.00pm**_

I got to Dave's. He seemed really chuffed to see me and gave me a really good snog on the doorstep before pulling me in for a second one. Wowzee Wow!! Fabby-tastic!!

He showed me his Victory Dance. It mostly consisted of jumping around and twisting like a loon on loon tablets and occasionally punching the air. We went into the living room and we bounced up and down on the sofa and he taught me his dancing. But in the end, I accidently fell off and landed on the carpet. He was just laughing like a loon. Which is a tad meanio, but I forgive him. Because I was having a laughing spaz too.

_**3 minutes later**_

It's brillopads being, you know, with Dave the Laugh. I have said it once, I have said it a million times, but I will say it again; I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out!!

Dave came and lay down on the carpet next to me. We just looked up at the ceiling. I felt so calm and relaxed…

_**4 minutes later**_

Why, in the name of pantibus, are there post-it notes covering every square inch of the room??

_**3 minutes later**_

I asked Dave.

"Dave, why in the name of pantibus are there post-it notes covering every square inch?"

Dave chuckled and then said, "My Mutti went a bit over the top making sure I was going to be ok. I was going around taking them all off before you came. There was even one on the light switch asking me to be careful not to electrocute myself. I think she really believes that I am still Nash's age. It's madness,"

Yes. Yes it is.

_**5 minutes later**_

Helping Dave the Laugh get all his Mutti's post-it notes off everything.

How can one woman have so many post-it notes? She puts the stationary type shops to shame.

Dave thought it was hilarious. Then he picked a note off a cupboard and stuck it to my forehead and then carried on with his business. I left it there for a bit then I picked it off my head.

It said: _Do not open. Full of Rubbish._

Cheeky Cat.

_**10.30pm**_

We finally got the post-its off everything and Dave said, "Shall we start the snogs-snacksies-movies-type fandango off then?"

I said, "Yes, of course…especially the snogs part,"

He smirked but gave me a little gentle kiss on the mouth and then said, "C'mon, lets get changed into our PJ's,"

Uh-Oh.

I still don't know which ones to wear!!

_**6 minutes later**_

Dave had taken my over-night bag upstairs to his room so we went up there to get changed. He was rifling through his drawers (Oo-er!!) to find his Jimjams when I realised something, "Dave, I am not getting changed in front of you,"

Dave said, in fake surprise, "It's only your undercrackers, Kittykat. It's not like you are dancing around in your nuddy pants. I won't look. Much,"

I said, "So? You are not seeing in my undies, at all!"

He sighed but went out the room.

_**2 minutes later**_

Right Oh. Now the question; nightie or pyjamas??

_**1 minute later**_

Sexy or Relaxed??

_**2 minutes later**_

Tarty or Gigantibus??

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave called, "Are you done yet, Sex Kitty?"

I said, "Not quite,"

"Ok. I'll be patient,"

_**2 minutes later**_

Ohhh, which one? Which one?

_**1 minute later**_

Dave said, "Gee, are you applying some sort of night time make up or something? You have taken half a centaury,"

So much for patience.

I said, "No, nothing like that," and I told him the truth, "I don't know which pair of jimjams to wear,"

He tutted from outside the door, "What are you like, Gee? That's absurd! Can I come in?"

But he didn't wait for my answer. Luckily I was still dressed.

I sighed, "I don't know whether to where my sexy nightie or gigantibus teletubby pyjamas. What do you think?"

He was deffo going to say the sexy nightie. No questions asked.

"The gigantibus ones,"

Huh?

I said, phased, "I thought you were going to say the sexy nightie,"

He said, "Wear that if you want, but I like the gigantibus ones,"

I was really puzzled.

He noticed. He said, "What's so odd about me saying the gigantibus ones?"

I said, "Well, um, I thought boys liked girls to look all sexy and stuff. You know, tarty clothes, blonde hair and huge nungas and stuff,"

Dave started laughing and then he said, "Oh, those are just pin up types Gee. To be honest, I don't think many guys would go out with anyone like that in real life. It would actually be quite intimidating as well. I would much prefer cute to sexy any day. Don't get me wrong; I like sexy as well. But I like cute better,"

Aaaaw. How sweet is he?

I said, "Which one am I?"

Dave said, "Deffo cute,"

I'm cute!!

Even with my huge nose!!

Gadzooks! I've just realised! I've hardly given my nose a second thought since I've been going out with Dave!! Blimey O'Reily's Pantaloons. He must have cured my nose-paranoia type-fiasco with his jokes about him not having a nose. He is such a marvy person.

I said, "Fanks, Dave. Did you know you're really cute too?"

"Um, thanks Gee," he didn't seem to quite know how to take that so I said, "But still definitely Dave the Biscuit,"

He grinned.

I said, "Now, can you biscuit off? I have some shapeless, but still mega cute pyjamas to put on!!"

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave came back in when I was dressed in the teletubby pyjamas.

He said, "Aaaaaaaaw!!"

Which made me feel a bit stupid and dithery so I insisted on choosing some pyjamas for him- it's only fair.

I started nosing through his drawers- oo-er, I don't mean _those_ drawers, you minxes!!

_**2 minutes later**_

Hahahaha. I found some superman(!) PJ's of his and made him put them on. He didn't seem bothered though.

But then, I was wearing teletubby pyjamas.

He started getting changed into them. He didn't tell me to get out the room while he dressed.

I said, "You're not shy, are you?"

He said, "When can I ever be called _shy_, Sex Kitty,"

Good Point. Well made.

I said, "Would you want me to go outside, so you can have some privacy?"

Dave said, "To be honest, Gee. I honestly don't mind if you see me in my undercrackers; after all you've seen me in them before- when you gave me the heart attack sitting by my bed,"

Ah, yes. After our big argument. Gadzooks and lack a day. That seems a thousand squillion years away now.

Dave said, "And besides," he tapped his chest, "I know I'm gorgey so I might as well flaunt it,"

Oh, he is so vain!!

_**11.20pm**_

Dave got some snacksies and some cans of coca-cola and stuff and we put them all on the coffee table like a big feasty and looked through the channels for a movie. There was a horror movie and Dave put that one on. I don't really like scary things but I didn't tell Dave that.

And anyway; we were snogging like loons too much to notice.

Phoar…

_**3 minutes later**_

Nip Libbling extravaganza!!

_**10 minutes later**_

When we stopped we were both vair breathless. But it was nice. Dave went upstairs to get his quilt and take it down; it was quite nippy noodles. I really didn't want to be left alone with the horror movie on.

_**1 minute later**_

Eeeek!!

_**2 minutes later**_

Dave came down with the quilt to me burying my face in the cushions.

Dave said, "Is it a bit too scary for you Kittykat?"

I said, "Not at all, nope, deffo not,"

I was lying though.

But he left it on and put the quilt over us. We munched on the snacksies for a bit. Yum, yum. Dave had his arm around my shoulder so I didn't feel that scared of the movie. Well, just a bit.

_**Midnight**_

Dave pulled me onto his lap and then sort of lay down with me snuggled into him. It was all cosy and lovely. And he nuzzled the back of my neck, which was double lovely with knobs.

_**10 minutes later**_

YIKES!!

I think we both must have fallen asleep because suddenly some random bimbo on the Horror Movie screamed and we both nearly leapt out of our skin. Gadzooks!!

_**3 minutes later**_

This horror movie is…horrific. We watched it properly for a bit. I realised I REALLY don't like horror movies.

Oh my Giddy God.

_**4 minutes later**_

in the end I had to nuzzle into Dave's chest so I couldn't see the screen. He put his arms around me and said, "Are you scared? Do you want me to change the channel?"

I said, "No, not at all,"

But he leant forwards (with me still super-glued to his chest) and got the remote off the coffee table and changed the channel until he found another movie. It was a romantic-comedy. Ah, this is better!

_**2.30pm**_

The movie finished but we stayed snuggled up facing the screen. It was vair, vair nice.

I told Dave that, I said, "Dave, this is vair, vair nice,"

He murmured, "It's far too late to do the gardening,"

What? What in the name of giddy god's pyjamas is he on about??

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh! He's Sleep Talking again! Because he's asleep. Lazy Minx.

Still, he's really nice and warmy bananas. Not cold like Libby. He had his arms wrapped around my waist. He's all soft and cuddly.

I am quite possibly very nearly extremely happy. I am not on the rack of luuurve; I have a boyfriend who I love and he loves me. What can be more simple pimple? I am now a heeder of the specific horn. _Mais Oui._

I am so happy I will never fall asleep- Zzzzzz.

* * *

**Yes!! It's done! Sorry to keep you waiting but this took a while to write; I started as soon as I wrote the authors note. I hope the length makes up for the wait!! I may have had it done quicker but a couple of nights ago I had a muscle spasm in my leg and I was in far too much aggers to be bothered writing- Sorry!!**

**Aaaaw, fluff akimbo. I thought I'll make the last chapters uber fluffy because in Horns that is going to be a rare thing :O. **

**Hope you liked the talent show!!**


	13. You Stole My Horn

**I'm going to give a warning about content in this chapter. I don't know whether it needs one or not; my friend said that it doesn't but I thought better be safe than sorry. There's not really in detail beyond 7 on the snogging scale but it isn't a dot, dot, dot **

**There is going to be some fluff in Horns but there is a lot of agony. I mean, what would be the point of a Threequel if it's all happy? Oh yes, Georgiawannabe, don't worry, I haven't forgotten the video. It actually is part of the plot of horns (although it doesn't cause aggers, it's a fluff causer! Lol!)**

**There is one more chapter after this one and then Sky is finished and I'll work on red herrings and then I might do this other fanfic which I've been obsessing over a wee bit and then Horns. But I am not going to go straight onto horns because I need a break from this plot. **

**And this chapter has at one point another POV. You'll see what I mean ;) In facto, you've probably guessed what I mean already. **

* * *

**You Stole My Horn**

_**Saturday June 21**__**st**_

_**8.30am**_

First official day of the summer hols! Yessssss.

And what better to wake up snugly buggly next to your boyfriend?

_**2 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh was awake before me (Gadzooks! Where has Mr. Late Waker-upper gone?). He was just watching me in my sleep. I said, "Oy, mister, don't watch me in my sleep,"

He said, "Did you know you snore really loudly?"

What?!

I said, "What?!"

He nodded, "It is rather like listening to a blocked drain pipe. A very attractive blocked drain pipe though, it must be said,"

I said, "A cute blocked drain pipe?"

He said, "Deffo, Kittykat,"

I snuggled into him for a bit and then I said, "Well at least I don't talk about gardening in my sleep Mr. Laugh,"

He said, "I was talking about gardening? That is odd. My dream was nothing to do with gardening,"

I said, "I am hoping it was not a rudey dudey dream,"

Dave said, "You misjudge me, Sex Kitty. I dreamt that I was invited to tea by a lot of giant bunnies but the tea party was being held on the moon and I was feeling vair confused because we were being served blue carrots,"

I just looked at him.

He said, "But of course you were in there, Gee,"

Hmm, this is more like it!

"Yes," he said, doing morning-type stretchy business "You were quite mad because you somehow managed to swap your nose for a carrot and you wanted your nose back," he saw my face, "I'm sorry; I can't help it if I have an over-active imagination,"

Oh dear. I have _un_ nutcase for a boyfriend.

_**3 minutes later**_

He said, "So what did you dream about Kittykat?"

I admitted that I had had a snog dream.

He said, "Oo-er, a snog dream? With me, I hope,"

"Of course," I said, "You are the all-time snogging champion,"

He said, "Why thank you, Kittykat. You don't know how chuffed I am to hear that," and he moved his face really close to mine and I thought, 'come on, you sexy laugh machine, snog me' and he said, "But flattery gets you nowhere. Let's go have breakfast," and he got up. Without snogging me. Hmp.

_**1 minute later**_

I cornered him in the kitchen and gave him a piece of my mind. Well, a piece of my lips anyway.

_**3 minutes later**_

Not meaning I literally cut a chunk off my lips and gave it to him. For the benefit of the vair, vair dim, I meant that I snogged him.

Which was fabby, as always.

_**2 minutes later**_

Dave does not seem to know where the cereals are kept in his kitchen.

I said, "Do you not know where the cereals are kept in your kitchen?"

He said, "No. My Mutti has hidden them,"

I just looked at him.

He said, "I have no idea why she feels it is acceptable to hoard food. I think she may have been a hamster in her past life; it is the only explanation,"

I nodded. Although I had no idea what he was on about.

_**10 minutes later**_

He found them. They were in the tumble-dryer (obviously it was off otherwise I would have to question her mentality).

_**5 minutes later**_

Me and Dave were sitting on the table (on, not at, we are coolio like that, you see), eating Cheerios when Imogen came back. She looked a mess, all hung over and stuff.

Dave said, putting on a fake-loud voice, "HOW WAS YOUR PARTY, IM?"

I thought she was going to throw something at him.

_**2 minutes later**_

I told Dave about Imogen's Adam calling her Idgey. It made him laugh like billio. Then he said, "That is simply brilliant. But I won't be able to use that for fear of my health,"

I said, "What in the name of pantibus are you on about?"

He said, "Well, one of her boyfriends used to call her 'Imp' and she really hated it. So I called her Imp and I got attacked with a pair of GHD's,"

"Gadzooks,"

"She is very violent,"

I said, "Indeedio,"

_**10 minutes later**_

Went and got dressed. I am going to wear my jeans to go coolio and caz and a pink top.

_**2 minutes later**_

Or maybe I should wear the yellow top?

_**3 minutes later**_

Pink. Deffo. It is much more cuter.

_**9.30am**_

Barmy Army and Ace Gang rang from a phone box. They were like mad salmons i.e. all packed into a small space. How ten people fitted into one phone box is beyond me.

Dave and I crammed around the phone. His parents are obviously stone age like mine and don't believe in extensions. Typico.

I could hear Sven shouting '_Ja_! Phone Box dance the remix! _Ja_! Groove my socks!!' He is spectacularly mad. And Swedish.

I answered, "Hello, Laugh and Kittykat online,"

Rosie took the phone, "_Bonsoir_. It is Viking Bride, are you receiving me?"

Dave said, "Positive. Over,"

Like he was on a walkie talkie.

Rollo took over, "We were all heading over to the cinema to see a film and-"

Mabs snatched the phone, "We are all doing a mass date-type fandango. You know, like double dating to the extreme. Would you two want to go?"

Then there was a bit of rufty tutfy and there were shouts of, "Get your toes out my eye!" and "Mind the nungas! Keep those elbows under control, you spoon!" and Rosie came back on, "Films at eleven and we are all doing Luigi's for afternoon tea," she said 'afternoon tea' like she was posh.

Which she isn't. Unless there are posh Vikings. With all 'Ooooooh, darling! Can I slice you with my axe? Oh after you, honey pie!!"

Dave answered her because my brain went off to loon land, "Ok, Cool," then he said, "Are you lot coming to the party?"

They all shouted YESSSS like loons (which they are). Dave the Laugh held the phone at arms length like they were deafening him.

_Trés Amusante._

_**10am**_

Me and Dave snuggled on the sofa for a bit and then we went to make drinks. I made him let me make them because I wanted to show him my speciality-type drink. He showed me he ice-cream and coke one so it was only fair.

I made the coffee when you put the powder in the cup and then stir like billio until your arm has practically dropped off and then add the water. Like espresso.

Yum, yum.

_**10.50am**_

Me and Dave met the Ace Gang outside the cinema. Sven and Rosie were wearing t shirts, Rosie's had an arrow which pointed towards Sven saying "I'm with him" and Sven had one pointing at Rosie saying "I'm with her," It was vair, vair sad and naff.

I told them that. I said, "Rosie, Sven. Those T shirts are so sad and naff,"

Rosie said, "You're just jealous of our style Gee. Check out the back; we've customised them,"

They had scrawled on the back of their T shirts with fabric-type pens. Rosie's said, "Viking Chick," and Sven's said, "Fish Over-Lord,"

Good Grief.

Dave said, "We should get some of those,"

I just looked at him. But he didn't get it. So I said to him, "Dave, there is no way in the name of Giddy God's Pantyhose that I will be caught dead in one of those,"

He said, "Ah, Sex Kitty, but would you be caught alive in one?"

I didn't know what to say to that.

_**11.30am**_

We are sitting in the snoggers' seats at the back. The film was vair, vair naff but we weren't really watching it. Three guesses what we were all doing.

_**4 minutes later**_

The answer is snogging. Obviously

_**2 minutes later**_

I don't mean all snogging together. We are not swingers or whatever that means. For the information of the vair vair dim I meant that we were snogging in couply-type pairs.

_**½ hour later**_

It is trés nice being with Dave the Laugh and the others. It was all dark and it felt like it was snowing.

_**2 minutes later**_

Snowing?

Oh God, the Blunder Boys were throwing pop corn at us.

They have no maturiosity.

_**1 minute later**_

The others have noticed now. Rollo and Dec started throwing pop corn back and Dave and Edward joined in. And then Sven said, "You throw at my bird then we will rock you," and he shoved his pop corn bag over Mark Big Gob's head. With Pop Corn still in it.

Needless to say, we got chucked out.

_**12.30pm**_

Tom and Jas went home 'to water their sprouts'. I think they mean snog.

The rest of us went to Luigi's for Lunch (it was too early to have afternoon tea, I think her Viking Majesty was vair disappointed). We all had cappuccinos apart from Sven.

When the waitress type person came round (call-me-Kerry) Sven said, "_Ja_, fish coffee please. Groovy, _Ja_!"

Call-me-Kerry said, "Erm, I don't think we have fish flavoured coffee…"

Sven said, "_Ja_, fish now, thank you,"

Call-me-Kerry said, "Sir…we don't do fish-"

"FISH! NOW!"

She said, "Ok…I will ask the manager…"

_**4 minutes later**_

Sven got his fish coffee. It looked disgusting but he drank it in one. Erlack a pongoes.

I felt a bit sick. I said, "Just off to the piddly diddly department,"

_**Tart's Wardrobe**_

My lip gloss is all smudged over my face!! From snogging! Why did no one tell me!?

_**6 minutes later**_

I came back from the Piddly Diddly Department and the others were still talking about fish coffee. Sven was on his eighth cup.

Rosie (a.k.a Viking Spokesperson) "You cannot come between Viking and fish. It is just unnatural. That woman was lucky. Sven can become quite violent if he does not get his recommended fish in take,"

The Ace Gang and Barmy Army did wise nodding.

Rosie carried on, "For instance, we once went to the butchers, but Sven thought it was the fish mongers. When the butcher explained that he did not sell fish, Sven threw a lamb chop at him,"

More Nodding.

Rosie said, "All I can say is that I am glad it was not a meat cleaver. So, Mr. Laugh, I do hope you are providing some fish cuisine at your party; I would not like to endanger your life,"

Dave said, "Ah, don't worry, I would not dream of depriving his mad Danish-ness of his favourite food. I am too full of niciosity,"

I said, "You said niciosity. You've stolen my 'osities'"

He said, "_You_ stole my 'Horn',"

Oo-er.

_**5 minutes later**_

Rosie said, "And also, Davio, Sven wants to DJ at your party. It would be very helpful in his career,"

Sven said, "_Ja_, I groove. With Jingle Bell. _Ja_!" he downed his fifteenth Fish-coffee, "More,"

Call-me-Kerry shot us evils.

_**2 minutes later**_

Rollo said, "Georgia…why do you drink your coffee like a hamster?"

I said, "Ah, Rollo. It is my wisdomosity. It stops me from getting a white moustache. Like Santa. Because I do not ride sleighs,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers!

All the boys are trying to copy me and drink like hamsters. They look ridiculous.

_**2 minutes later**_

I don't look ridiculous do I?

_**5 minutes later**_

Declan choked trying to hamster sip his coffee. He managed to spill it all down his trousers. Like a loon.

He said, "Oh crap. I hope I don't get a third degree burn on my trouser snake now,"

I said, "You see, it is a skill to hamster sip coffee,"

Rollo lent over the table to inspect the damage. He said, "Erlack, Dec. It looks like you've wet yourself now,"

Dec said, "Stop looking at my trousers you Homosexualist," and he attacked Rollo with the menu. Rollo through a tomato sauce sachet at him. It would have broken into an all out war but Call-me-Kelly saved the day with some napkins for Dec to mop up the spillage.

Sven said, "More fish coffee now,"

I thought call-me-Kelly was going to hit him.

_**10 minutes later**_

Sven's bill came to nearly thirty squids (!). Because he drank twenty fish coffees!! He tried to give the waitress his shoe instead. But eventually Ro-Ro helped him out.

Good Grief.

_**1.15pm**_

Sat at the park for a bit. The boys played footie. Apart from Sven who says he has the worst stomach ache known to man kind.

_**1 minute later**_

Well, I don't know whether he said he did or not because I don't speak reindeer. But he is lying on the ground and he keeps farting (pingy pongees!!). So I think he has.

It must be the fish coffee.

Ho hum pigs bum.

_**4 minutes later**_

Us girls did some sun bathing because it was quite sunny. The boys were showing off and heading the ball and bouncing it on their knees and stuff shouting, "Check this out ladeeez!" and all that jazz.

_**10 minutes later**_

Rosie took Sven home because the smell was getting unbearable.

_**3.30pm**_

The boys stopped playing football and came over to us. They were all a bit sweaty and red faced. Like loons. Dave went and lay next to me when I was sun bathing. It was really nice for a bit and then Dave said, "Kittykat? I don't know how you'd take this, but…"

I said, "What?"

"Your nose has gone bright red,"

_**Home**_

Dave walked me back home to get ready for his party. I must and will look at my nose.

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh my god!! Oh my giddy god!!

_**6 minutes later**_

I look like I have a gigantibus tomato instead of a nose on my face. Gadzooks.

_**4 minutes later**_

I swear it has got bigger too. Oh bugggggger.

_**7 minutes later**_

Cracked it. I got a lot of after-sun and squirted it all over my nose.

_**4 minutes later**_

Hmp. I do look like I have a giant white blob instead of a nose now. Ho hum pig's bum. What I do for beauty…

I hope it cools down before the party.

_**3 minutes later**_

Uh-oh. Swiss Family Mad returns in the clown car. Oh merde. I can hear two clown cars. That can only mean-

"The Baldy-O-Gram is heeeeeeeeere,"

"Uncle Eggy! Uncle Eggy!"

"Are you in, Gee?"

"Aaarggh! Get that ruddy cat OFF my ankle!!"

That is the sound of my loving family. Brillopads.

Then Uncle Eddy and Vati came into my bedroom (_wo bist der_ privacy?) and nearly wet themselves at my blobby nose.

_**6.00pm**_

I have washed the anti sun off. My nose is still a little red. Poo.

_**3 minutes later**_

Mutti says that I should put cold peas on my nose to cool it down.

I said, "No, Mutti. The one thing worse than a red nose would be a blue nose,"

_**4 minutes later**_

I have a bag of peas strapped to my nose. Vair, vair attractive.

_**10 minutes later**_

Dave the Laugh phoned, "Bonsoir, just to let you know, the party starts at nine and you are the Sex Kitty guest of honour,"

I said, "Ohay, I will abaze you wib my seb-kibby looks,"

Dave said, "Gee, have you got a cold? You are talking all odd,"

I said, "No, jub hab a bag of peas on my nobe,"

He said, "You are such a loon,"

I said, "I'b a loon?! You arb the loon, Mr. Laubh,"

He said, "Oh no, Georgia. You are the loon. It is a good job I love you so much,"

I said, "Dabe, if I was talkinb to you fabe to fabe then I will be jub looking at you. Like you arb mad. Which you arb,"

Dave just laughed and then blew kisses down the phone at me (how weird) and then hung up.

_**6 minutes later**_

I am going to kill Mutti!! My nose has gone even redder! And all peely. I have sun burn of the nose.

_**3 minutes later**_

I hope it is not going to be like a snake and shed its skin and grow bigger.

_**5 minutes later**_

Life must be so much easier if I just had a normal sized nose. Like Dave. I don't see why he moaned about his nose being small. I would swap noses with him any day.

I think he was just saying it to make me feel better.

_**3 minutes later**_

Still vair vair funny though.

_**7.00pm**_

Now what to wear…

_**4 minutes later**_

It is not fair. I have practically nothing to wear. I am like a rag-child. If I am a Sex Kitty Guest of Honour then I must look my best.

_**6 minutes later**_

Mutti came into my bedroom when I was having a dither spaz over what to wear and I was in my nuddy pants. ERLACK!! She saw me in my nuddy pants.

I said, "MUM! GET OUT!"

She said, "Don't worry, Gee. I've seen all your bits and bobs,"

Erlack a pongoes.

_**1 minute later**_

Mutti said, "Outfit trouble?"

I nodded.

She said, "I have just the fix,"

_**5 minutes later**_

Mutti brought me in a top. She said, "This is so snazzy. I wore it when I met your dad,"

It looked hideous.

I said, "It looks hideous. No one wants to look like you and your sad mates from the sixties,"

"Seventies,"

"I don't care. It is still in Victorian times,"

She huffed out.

_**20 minutes later**_

I am wearing an off-the-shoulder white top and a black denim mini skirt. I am going with a black-and-white theme.

_**3 minutes later**_

Not that I am going to do my face in white and my eyes in black like one of those sad Goths. I don't think Dave would appreciate me looking like an emo.

I have done my eyes in a smoky grey. I like to think they look fabby to the extreme.

That is what I like to think.

_**4 minutes later**_

I have half a tonne of concealer on my nose so it doesn't look so red. It make it look twice the size but it can't be helped. Better a big nose than a red nose.

_**5 minutes later**_

Dave doesn't seem to mind my nose anyway. As long it doesn't poke him in the eye.

_**9.10pm**_

I got there and the party was already grooving like two short grooving things. There was a sign on the door saying "No idiots or blunder boys allowed fanks,"

Good grief.

Dave practically fell out the door when he opened it for me. He gave me a huge hug and a bit of a kiss and said, "Let's rock this joint!!" and pulled me inside.

_**4 minutes later**_

Everyone is mad dancing in the living room! It has gone wild. There are tons of the Foxwood Lads and some of the St. John's boys, like the Dame and crew. I didn't know that Dave the Laugh was mates or anything with the Dame, but hey ho.

He certainly has a lot of mates. The house was packed. Sven was DJ-ing. He was wearing a turquoise leather jump suit. He has deffo recovered from his stomach ache type fiasco.

_**7 minutes later**_

Hmmm…I wonder what he has done about the Imogen-type fandango?

I said to him, "What have you done about the Imogen-type fandango?"

He said, "No worries. She's out. She won't be back until the morning,"

_**11.00pm**_

Sven started playing Jingle Bells and the Ace Gang started doing the Viking Bison Disco Inferno dance! Yesss! And everyone joined in!!

It was fabby in the extreme.

_**Midnight**_

Hung around with Rosie because Dave had been dragged into a conversation with some of the Foxwood 6th form lads. We went upstairs and sat in Imogen's bedroom for a bit. We had to turf some snoggers out so I think she'd be pleased with us for that.

We had a little nose about. Rosie found a photo of Imogen and this quite scrummy looking boy with brown hair and he had to be about twenty. On the back she had written '_Im+Craig forevs_'

It was sort of strange because the girl in the photo didn't look like Imogen. I don't mean that it WASN'T her- because it was- it was just that she looked kind not meanio. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

How weird.

_**7 minutes later**_

Went downstairs and Dave linked his arms with me and started doing mad jigging. It was best fun.

Then the door bell rang and Dave dragged me off, still linked arms with him and speak of the devil, Imogen and her crew were at the door. Uh-oh.

Imogen looked in and her eyes went all wide and she said, "A party! Oh, you will be sooo dead when mum finds out about this!"

And Dave said, copying her tone, "And you are sooo not coming in,"

That got her. She said, "Excuse me? But I live here encase you have not noticed,"

Dave said, "Ah yes, but read the sign," and he pointed at the 'no idiots' part of the sign and then shut the door on her.

Dave said, "I have always wanted to lock her out. She does it to me all the time. C'mon Kittykat, lets groove!!"

_**2.30pm**_

God, I'm tuckered. I have been dancing like a mad dancing earwig for hours.

_**10 minutes later**_

Most people had dawdled off now so Dave said S'laters to the last few.

_**3 minutes later**_

You would be amazed at the places people find to snog. We just kicked some people out of a kitchen cupboard.

_**8 minutes later**_

Dave said, "Sex Kitty? I just need to pop somewhere because this lot want to show me something. Be back in a few, ok?"

He was with the lads from the sixth form that he was talking to earlier.

I said, "That is fine Mr. Laugh," although it wasn't really. I would have much rather been snogging him than be on my owny.

He said, "Fab, kittykat," and then he winked, "Keep the bed warm for me then,"

Cheeky Cat.

_**3 minutes later**_

I did go up to Dave's room actually. To have nosy around.

He has an incredible amount of junk. It has to be said.

I had a look through his drawers (oo-er). I even had a bit of a snoop through his undercracker drawers. He has mostly normal boxers and stuff but he also has a few funny novelty ones with rudey dudey slogans on them. He is such a minx.

_**5 minutes later**_

Phew. It is tuckering being a bedroom detective. I lay back on his bed for a bit. Although I had to chuck a lot of junk off it first.

His pillow smelt really nice. Like him. Oh, I do love him. I cannot believe it took me this long to work it out. I am so happy Dave didn't give up on me. Now, everything is fabby and brillopads and so on. I picked up the pillow and gave it a bit of a cuddle. I am not going mad. I am just vair, vair happy.

And that was when a little black book fell out of the pillow.

The same little black book that Imogen read out of.

It was the Diary of Dave the Laugh.

_**1 minute later**_

Of course I wouldn't read his diary.

_**30 seconds later**_

I have far more respectinosity for his privacy than that.

Especially after he went ballisiticisimus after I heard him talking to Tom.

_**2 minutes later**_

I'll just put it back now…

_**1 minute later**_

But what about if he has wrote something in there about me?

_**30 seconds later**_

Something I don't know. Something secret.

_**2 minute later**_

But that is why he wrote it in his diary. It is _trés_ secret.

_**3 minutes later**_

And I wouldn't read his secret diary until hell froze over.

_**2 minutes later**_

_**Reading Dave's Diary.**_

Dave talks about as much wubbish and poo as I do.

I flicked through until I found the bit when we had our gigantibus argument. And then I stopped flicking. I read.

**A/N: And here you goooooooo. This is Dave's side of Chapter 11, Gird. It starts just after they have their snog fest in the classroom, before she over hears him talking to Tom. **

_**1pm**_

I have the most horrible feeling I may have messed everything up Me-and-Georgia wise.

And I think that feeling might be right i.e. I have.

_**30 seconds later**_

Why in the name of PANTS do I have to such a chicken??

_**1 minute later**_

On the plus side she said "that was the best snog I'd ever had".

_**2 minutes later**_

Although that sort of makes it worse because I have just ruined a perfecto opportunity.

The plan was:

Get her on her own.

Snog her to an inch of her life- which, by the way, I did a FANTASTIC job of, if I do say so myself. I even expanded my snogging genius onto necks (ooh, get me! I am the biscuit of Snoggington)

Tell her that I love her

And then everything is ticketty boo and all that jazz.

_**30 seconds later**_

Apart from it never quite works out to plan, does it? Because I decide to go all cowardly and do the great escape before I did the 'I love you' bit.

Which was kind of the whole point.

And it is too late now because her stupid Italian Homosexualist is coming back today and she is sneaking out to go and meet him.

Not that she has said anything to me. I think they are trying to be 'nice' to me and not mention his royal Handbaggyness in front of me but I overheard her talking with Jas and Rosie.

But anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Ah, yes. Masimo is going to come back and say 'ciao' and then it would all go back to how it was. With Georgia being all "Oooooh, Masimo this" and "Oooooh, Masimo that," and "Oooooh, Masimo, Masimo, Masimo. Dave can you go find out whether Masimo is doing this and that because I know you LOVE me and you HATE him but I get a kick out of SHOVING this in your FACE! And if you're LUCKY we can have an accidental SNOG, but it will only be COSMIC HORN and I'm going to blame you ENTIRELY for it because I can do no wrong,"

She hasn't really ever said that to me. But I know she thinks it.

_**3 minutes later**_

I don't know whether it would have made much of a difference if I told her or not that I loved her but at least she would know. But I got cold feet. Not that I shoved my feet in a bucket of ice. I mean I went all scaredy cat, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

If I was really coolio I could just go and say it. Easy Peasy. But I can't.

I don't know why it suddenly became the huge denial watsit. Like when I was talking to Rollo and Dec I lied that I didn't love her it was just a revenge plan. And what a brill mess that turned into and Gee managed to drink herself to smithereens over it.

And then at Rosie's (a.k.a O Viking One's) party I took the forfeit and did the mad hair dying watsit instead of saying what I thought of Georgia.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wish that Georgia could just read my mind and then know so I don't need to go under all this stress. It is not healthy. If she became a Mystic Meg then she would know exactly all this boy stuff.

_**3 minutes later**_

Although she has some pretty dodgy ideas about what guys are like. I found that out when I was nosing through that book of hers when I was over hers on Sunday.

For instance she thinks we are elastic bands. Not to say we are made out of rubber. It means that we will coil all close then we stretch away.

I wouldn't. I would stay all close and coily.

_**1 minute later**_

I must and will find Tom before I go completely bonkers.

_**3 minutes later**_

Found Tom. He was waiting to go into Chems. I don't think it really matters that I'm skiving Chemistry, I'm half-banned from it anyway since the Meths incident. Honestly, some people have no sense of humour. It's not like I was putting myself in danger. I only set my hand on fire.

Tom was with the Rollo/Dec broadcasting network so I couldn't risk saying anything out loud in front of them.

I said, casually, "Oh, Tom, there's...err...some little woodland-type creature outside which they found. It's not very well. They need someone to tell them what it is so they can sort it out,"

Tom said, "Why don't you get one of the blodge teachers? They will probably know what it is and they could put it in one of the egg incubators,"

There is no point trying to drop hints sometimes. I just opened my eyes really wide and sort of gestured behind me by nodding my head then looked over to where Rollo and Dec were. It took about a billion years of nodding my head and opening my eyes but he got it. Eventually.

_**1 minute later**_

I said, "You know when me and Gee disappeared off earlier?"

Tom said, "Dave, I have not skived out of chemistry to hear you give me a blow-by-blow account of you and Georgia's snog fest,"

I said, "How do you know that? We could have been comparing notes on school-type stuff for all you know,"

Tom said, "Yes Dave and pigs can fly,"

I said, "Ok, fine then, you win that one. We snogged and then I tried to do the confession watsit-"

"OO-ER, is there something you need to tell us then, _Dave_?"

I kicked him, "I meant the specific horn luuurve fiasco, you twit,"

He said, "Did you tell her then?"

I shook my head, "I nearly told her. I very nearly told her. But then I chickened out. Again,"

Tom looked at me suspiciously, "I thought you said you told her down by the river?"

"I did. Sort of. Well, I slipped it in. I didn't make a big thing of it. So I don't think she realised what I said,"

"You are making it seem worse than it actually it is,"

I sat down on some cupboards because I felt a bit limb and numb. And sort of tired. I have really screwed up.

"Worse that it actually is? I have tried for nearly a year to tell her. A year. I think it is pretty bad already,"

Tom looked at me again. It felt like he was being one of those silent Psychologist people who don't say anything but you still feel better. So far it wasn't working.

I said, "Suppose it's too late now, isn't it? Now her Handbag Horse is coming back. I really thought that I was getting somewhere this time. Like on Saturday night in the rain. And Sunday at hers. And even yesterday at Lunch. But now he's back it's all going to go back to the way it was. I don't know what to do,"

Tom said "Well I think-"

But I interrupted him, because quite frankly, he is not brilliant at advice (unlike me, Hornmeister extraordinairibus), he is better as an emotional outlet-type person. I'd told him that before and he thought I meant that he was a punch bag. There is something really wrong with him.

"What am I doing wrong? I try to be mates with her but she just sees me as a mate. I try going full frontal and obvious but she ignores me. I try helping her with other guys and she just sees me as a walking horn encyclopaedia. I have even tried getting angry and she pretends it never happened! But all that bloody Handbag Horse has to do is say 'Ciao' and off she goes like a little dog!"

Calmy, Calmy, Calmy.

I said "Have you heard anything through Jas?" I knew full well there wouldn't be anything on the Jas front. There usually isn't.

Tom said, "Only that she has the egg horn apparently and you sat in her bed with her on Sunday,"

What? She actually told Jas the thing about me sitting in her bed? Even I hadn't said anything about that to my mates. Mostly because Rollo and Dec would just be going Oo-er and making crap jokes for the next life time. But also because Tom might tell Jas who would tell Georgia and she might think I'm boasting or something, like not the 'in her bed' but rather '_in_her bed'. If that makes sense. This doesn't. So she told? Is that good or bad? She actually told Jas something that is actually interesting? Normally what she tells Jas is a lot of rubbish, so why is she saying that?? "She actually told Jas that? Well, is that a good sign or bad sign? It could be good because she's not keeping it a secret…but then she could have been moaning about it. Probably moaning about it. But she still did mention it. You said a lot of the time she tried to hide things from Jas. So it could be a good thing she told- Oh, Shut up Dave! Wait, what is this egg horn thing? She can't be attracted to eggs or something? Can she? No, it's probably just some little thing she's made up and-"

Then Tom grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me really, really violently, "Calm Down. You are having spaz attack,"

Gerrof! Gerrof!! I managed to push his hands off before he dislodged my head.

I said back, my head still bobbing a bit from being shaken, like a nodding dog, "I know I am having a spaz attack! And quite frankly, I think I am entitled to be having a spaz attack! I have never liked someone so much. I hate her for it,"

Tom said, in what he thought was an advisey type way, "Are you sure you don't just want her because you can't have her?"

"I would know if it was something to do with that! I love her. And that's the short and short of it. It makes me feel so stupid! Everything makes me think of her. If someone says something funny I think 'Georgia would like to hear that' or if someone says something rudey-dudey I can hear her say 'Oo-er' in my head. Now you can't say that is normal,"

At all. Hearing voices is one of the signs of madness.

"I've even started adding 'osity' on the end of my words. Like she does. And that is just sad. And obsessive to the extreme. How can one person just stick in my mind like that? Meeting her was the worse thing that has ever happened to me,"

Tom said, "It can't be,"

"I never know where I stand anymore. It makes me feel so full of confusiosity. Hah! See. _Confusiosity._ Before her it was simple and I'd ask a girl out and if she said no then there were plenty more fish in the sea. But Georgia's different. I know she doesn't think of me like that. How ever big of a bitch she is to me, I always go back!"

Tom said, "Well, I did think you were mad to go back after the red herring incident,"

I stood up, "I can't help it anymore. I really, really want to be with her. I could easily walk around blowing as many horns as possible. But the only horn I want to blow is hers- I can hear her saying Oo-er to that- SEE! Everything ends up about her."

Very chilled out and calmy. Not.

Tom said, "Calm down, breathe, do you want me to talk to her?"

I did try. No one can say I didn't try to calm down. But no bloody way am I having her know any of this. "No. If she ever found out exactly how I feel, I would die,"

It was tempting fate as predictably the store cupboard burst open and three guesses who was in there?

_**1 minute later**_

Oh godddddddd. And also crap. I swear I am going to end up having a heart attack or something. Well, wouldn't you if suddenly a cupboard burst open and Georgia, Rosie and Jas suddenly fell out?!

I couldn't think of anything to say. It's like my brain fell out or something. All I could think is 'she knows'. Damn, damn and three times DAMN.

Georgia said, "Dave..."

Maybe she didn't hear everything. Maybe she couldn't hear through the door.

"You heard everything?"

And she nodded. Poo.

Then for some reason only known to the Overlord of PANTS I went completely ballisiticisimus. Like some sort of delayed reaction. How can she just act like she cares when she so blatantly doesn't? She'll be laughing about it on the phone later with her mates. Or her stupid Lesbian Boyfriend. I hate her.

"Have a good old laugh at it then!"

She said, "I don't want to laugh at you. I feel sorry for you,"

Sorry? _Sorry_?!

"Oh. Then is it poor stupid little Dave getting a crush which he can't handle is it? So he has to ask a mate for some help? Like the stupid pathetic loser that I suppose I am!? Hm?"

Drat. Shut up. Shut up now. Before you say something you regret. I probably look like a loon so I'd better not act like one.

Then the bell went off. Again. Typical. I seriously need to go and break those bells. Why do they have to go off at the most inconvenient times? I blame Karma entirely.

Everyone crowded around us in a big circle. Like we were some sort of exhibity-type thing. Usually I luuurve being the centre of attention, but there are limits. I.e. Rollo saying to Dec, 'Lovers' tiff'.

I barged my way out.

_**6 minutes later**_

Georgia had chased me out of school. She yelled my name and grabbed my arms and pinned them behind my back. Why? It actually hurt a bit; it felt like she was trying to dislocate my shoulders or something.

"Let me go,"

"Dave,"

"Let me go!"

"Dave, I need to talk to you, about that-I-"

"Oh, like you care," and I managed to break away.

I said, hoping my shoulder weren't damaged for life. "Haven't you got a Homosexualist to get ready for?"

Then she said something quite unbelievable. "He can wait; I need to talk to you,"

I nearly said, 'really?' but then I remembered I was supposed to be having the humpty and huff supremus with her.

"Oh, he can wait can he? Good Joke, but I don't need you to try and make me feel better. I know full well how you feel about me. Go on, you can't keep his royal gayness waiting,"

"Dave! Please, just listen to me! I care! I do care!"

Yeah, right. And you'll go straight off to your Handbag horse after. I had a bit of a nervy B at her. I don't know why. It didn't make me feel better or anything. It made me feel worse. She looked quite upset. I would have felt bad for her, but I was feeling too angry to give a flying monkey.

She said, "I didn't mean to hear, we were hiding from teachers,"

Ace excuse.

"Oh, hiding were you? So that makes it ok does it? The fact that every single one of the feelings that I have kept bottled up for months has been found out?! That all the feelings I've had to hide under laughs and smiles have been found out! Do have any idea how private all of that is to me?!"

How dare she act so innocent? She must have known how she makes me feel. Surely she isn't as dumb as she acts?

And then she sort-of threw her self at me and snogged me (!). I was so astonished and angry I...bit her. Fabulous. She probably thinks I am some type of cannibal now.

She jumped about a mile. But who could blame her? "OUCH!"

Oh damnation of PANTS. I felt really, really bad. Her bottom lip was bleeding slightly. Poo. I said, "Leave me alone, Georgia," I tried to say it sort of commanding but it came out all wrong. Sort of pleading.

I would have completely given in if she hadn't decided to try and say something else. I could not believe what she said. She said "I thought that is what you wanted,"

That's what I wanted?? What does she think I am?? A Snog Addict to the order of the Cosmic Horn?? It is confirmed, she does just think I am frolicking with the Cosmic Horn. I wish I did have cosmic horn, but the fact remains it is deffo Specific. How dare she just think that all I want is to be another snog?! I just completely lost it at her.

"THAT'S WHAT I WANTED?! That's what I wanted?! Another meaningless snog? What I wanted?"

She just looked at me, holding her lip.

"No that's what you wanted. You think you've got your _pet_ so well trained don't you? That I'd do what ever just for bloody snog. I bet you wondered why I wouldn't say anything at the Dare Game. That I'd rather forfeit. Now you know exactly how I feel. Welcome to my world,"

She said, "Come on Dave, calm down, you are getting yourself into a state,"

If anything riled me up more it was that. "Calm down? Calm down? Of course you want me to calm down. You need you Horn Meister to be able to give you at least some half decent advice, don't you? Well here is my advice: Leave me alone! Just don't bother trying act like you care about me anymore. Go off with your Italian Stallion! You know that's all you want! Don't bother about me; you just make sure at least you have a nice life,"

She said, "Dave…please,"

It made me feel pretty bad actually, the way she said it.

I said, trying to calm down, "No, just do that. That will be the best thing. For both of us. So I don't keep wandering around as a mate, still thinking maybe I do have a bit of a chance with you. Just tell me that you hate me so I finally stop waiting. Just stop messing me about. Just leave me alone,"

And I ran for it.

_**3 minutes later**_

I have stopped running. Georgia didn't follow me this time. Not that I wanted her to.

_**30 seconds later**_

Well, I suppose I secretly did. But she hasn't.

_**Home**_

_**1.40pm**_

At least no one is home. Which is good. I went straight up to my room and flopped onto my bed. Well, I would have but I had about a landfills worth of junk on it and I had to knock it all off first.

_**3 minutes later**_

I really am feeling incredibly depressaramas now. I don't like feeling depressed. Because it's depressing.

Georgia probably hates me now. Or at least is severely handy-capped in the snogging department.

Why in the name of Pants did I have to go and bite her? She'll end up telling everyone that I'm a bloody vampire . I could have just snogged her back. It would have completely diffused the situation. I would have lost my dignity but that's got to be better than this.

I would pretty much do anything to have her here right now. Just to be with me. But I said that I wanted her to leave me alone.

But I didn't really mean it. I hope she realised I didn't mean it. In fact it's pretty much the opposite of what I want. I just thought that it would be the best thing to do. And is why I never usually bother using my brain and thinking about things. Because it doesn't help. It's easier to just taking things as them come rather than thinking 'what's best'.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder what she is doing now? Probably shovelling on make up for her Italian Homosexualist. It's not like she is actually going to care how I feel.

_**30 seconds later**_

Oh, I don't mean that. She's not a mean horrible person. She's probably as upset as I am now. It was just easier to blame everything on her.

Maybe I should phone her? Oh, like she'd want to talk to me after all of this. I start off the day determined to tell her I love her and I end up saying I hate her.

_**3 minutes later**_

I feel a bit like blubbing actually. Which I am obviously not going to do, being a top biscuit and all that.

_**2.20pm**_

Phone's ringing. I just wait for it to stop. It's only probably someone Double-Glazing pushing.

_**4 minutes later**_

Still ringing. I'm still ignoring it.

_**2 minutes later**_

Stumbled out of bed and nearly fell over some of Nash's toy cars on the stairs. Ouch.

Answered the phone, "Hello?"

Pants, my voice sounds a bit off. There wasn't any answer on the other side so I said, "Hello? If this is a prank call or something, I really am not in the mood,"

Then the voice said, finally, "Dave?"

Oh God. It was Georgia. I hung up.

_**2 minutes later**_

Maybe I should phone back? After all she only wanted to speak. It wasn't like she was going to start yelling down the phone at me. I picked up the phone and started dialling her number. I was about to press call when I pressed cancel. And I unplugged the phone.

What's wrong with me?

_**4 minutes later**_

She could be trying to ring back. And the phone's disconnected.

She's probably going to think I am still in a huff.

_**Back Upstairs**_

I could have just nipped this in the bud when she first fell out the cupboard.

I could have said something like, "Phoar! Is it raining Sex Kitties?" That would have been good because it would have made the whole Luuurve thing into a joke. And even though it isn't a joke to me, it would have stopped all this going on.

Or I could have said, "Blimey, Kittykat, did your nungas barge the door down?" Which probably would have been better because it would have made her all self conscious and she would forget what I said. And then none of this would have happened.

It's not really her fault she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

_**3 minutes later**_

Going behind Masimo's back while he is off is a bit low any way. It's better to play it fair while he is still here.

Even though I have no chance in hell while she's dribbling over him.

_**2 minutes later**_

Not that any of it matters; I've cocked up the whole thing.

We had been so close the last three days. I felt like she was finally starting to see me as a bit more of a mate. More Official-Snogging-Partner Material. When she was doing the hair stroking thing I was watching her under my eye lashes. And she was looking at me quite weirdly. But a good weird.

And on Saturday, I was so sure she was going to say something. Ok, she was drunk, but judging by that video of me drunk, it gets you to tell the truth. Too much truth, actually. Bugger. I hope that's stopped going around now.

_**3.30pm**_

Door Bell Rang. Is it Georgia??

I went charging down the stairs (tripping over Nash's toy cars again

It was Tom, Jas and Rosie. And Rollo and Dec lurking behind, sniggering. Twits.

I shut the door. Of course she's not going to come around. Firstly she doesn't even know where I live. Secondly, she'll need to get ready for her 'luuurve god'.

Stupid Dave

_**4.00pm**_

Georgia will be with her Italian Homosexualist now. Talking about Pizza-a-gogo land and comparing hand bags. And snogging. I really don't want to think about them snogging. It makes me feel positively awful. I don't know why. Well, I do know why but I don't know why the reason for knowing why I feel awful is there, if that makes sense. It doesn't. Because I am talking rubbish.

_**2 minutes later**_

What I mean is I don't know why I love her. I shouldn't. She is not fantastically nice to me or anything. And she certainly does not return that notion. But the Fact of Life still remains that I do, and as much as I really don't want to, I do.

_**1 minute later**_

Oh dear. Back come family loons. Although I don't think Imogen is back which goes to show there is a light at the end of every tunnel.

Nash came barging into my room, shouting at the top of his lungs, "DAVEY!! I GOTS A SOMETHING FOR YOUUU!"

And he climbed onto my bed. I had to resurface from under the duvet because he would just jump on the bed and crush me until I did.

I said, putting on a smile, "Oh, goody, what you got me?"

He said, proudly, "I makes it at school today, it's lovely,"

It was a paper plate covered in wool and a vat of glue.

I said, "Oh, yes, that's a lovely, err, thing,"

He sat on my lap. Blimey he's getting heavy. "It's you, silly billy,"

Oh, yes, of course. The resemblance is uncanny.

I said, "Oh, err; I'm guessing the wool is my hair?"

He nodded, grinning madly. Then he said, "Ooooh, dearie me, your eyes are all reddy red,"

I said, "I poked myself in the eye accidentally,"

And he said, "That was a bit silly," then he looked at me for a bit and said, "Girlies are nasty, aren't they?"

Wait! What?! How does he know that? Have we got a six year old psychic under our roof? PANTS Almighty.

Then Nash carried on, "Lucy was really horrible to me today, I really likes her as well,"

Oh. He's talking about_ his_ girlfriends. He's only six and is already having girl trouble. He's going to be a nervous wreck by the time he's my age.

I said, "Was she calling you names or something?"

He said, "No, she was horrible because she saids that I can't go in the Wendy House for the Tea Party with them,"

Blimey. I mean I am probably completely hated and perhaps thought of a cannibal-type person yet that's nothing compared to Nash's problem of not being able to play with plastic tea cups.

_**2 minutes later**_

Ah, well. At least I have a self-paper-plate-portrait.

_**1 minute later**_

Is it normal for your six year old brother to try to cheer you up by licking the end of your nose? I think the answer to that is; no, it isn't. And it is also quite disgusting. He sort of leapt at me, licked my nose (Erlack!) and then said, "Cheer up, Davey," and ran off.

_**6.00pm**_

I was busy moping and the door opened and Imogen was stood there. What does she want? Probably to poke fun. I stayed under my duvet.

Imogen said, "Are you asleep?"

I said smartly, "Yes,"

But I could kind of sense she was still lurking at my door.

I said, surfacing, "What do you want?"

She said, "Is the Mad Hairy One loose?"

I said, "No. But what do you want?"

She said, stumbling through my room, "Nash said your eyes were all red,"

Thanks Nash.

She sat on the end of my bed. Why is she being nice? What is she after? Doesn't she have someone else to annoy?

I said, in a please-can-you-go-type way, "I poked myself in the eye by accident,"

Imogen would not go, "And poking your eye means you have to sulk in your room, does it?"

"Yes,"

"Don't lie. Let me see your eyes,"

I turned my face away from her but she grabbed my chin and yanked my head around.

She said, "Aaaaw, you've been blubbing!"

I just ignored because I know that anything I say will be remembered and used against me. Or whatever they say in the naff police programs.

Then she reached out and for one scary moment I thought she was going to try to hug me. I think she realised that as well and changed it into patting my shoulder. I looked at her hand until she took it away.

She said, putting on a lisp, "Is something bothering my poor ickle bwother?"

I said, "Other than the fact you are here?"

She said, "I am only trying to be nice, I know you think that I am mean and cruel and whatever" I nodded like billio, "But I do care about you. Sometimes. Occasionally. Other times I want to strangle you but anyway. Tell me what the matter is,"

"No,"

"I have brought up midget gems,"

What is it with girls and midget gems? Does she think she can bribe me like that?

_**10 minutes later**_

Munching through midget gems. They are actually quite nice as it happens.

"So basically I went absolutely ape at her. I was shouting at her in the street. I really wish I hadn't. But the worst bit was when she sort of lunged at me and tried to snog me-"

Imogen said, "Can you spare me the gory details?"

I was going to say that her details are far more gory. But I know if I say that then she will tell me some. And then I will have to die.

I said, ignoring her, "And I bit her,"

Imogen nearly wet herself cackling, "I guess you are going to swap your bed for a coffin as well?! And start wearing black cloaks and go nocturnal?!"

I just raised my eyebrows in what I hoped was an ironic way.

Imogen said, still sniggering, "Sorry, sorry, don't go all stroppy on me. So what happened next in your sob story? Did the luuurve of your life run a mile screaming 'Save your selves! Grab the garlic!'?"

And she started giggling like an idiot again. I am starting to regret telling her anything. In fact why did I tell her anything? I allow myself to be too easily bribed.

She said, "Oh, come on. Take a joke…Count Davula,"

That was when I was forced to throw her quite violently out of my room.

**A/N: Back to Georgia**

I was about to flick over the page when a voice behind me said, "Having a good read?"

I span around like a spinning loon, putting the diary behind my back. It was Dave the Laugh. _Merde_.

He whipped the diary off me and then said, "_My_ Diary?! Oh, you bad Kittykat!" and he lay down next to me.

I said, "I am really, really, really sorry, Dave. Double sorry with Knobs and-"

He said, "Which bit were you reading?"

I couldn't tell whether he was cross or not. Oh Poo. Please don't let him have another Mr. Moody Pants episode.

I showed him the bit. He read through it. Then he looked at me. I thought he was going to have an F.T at me or a nervy spaz at the very least but he said, "Oh, that bit is_ sooo_ boring!! You are going to think I constantly moan now!"

What?

I said, "You're not cross??"

He said, "Nah, there is no point keeping anything private from you. Go on. Read to your pants' content,"

I didn't know whether I should read it. Maybe he was testing me? To see whether I would? I said, "I can't read that,"

He said, "Sure you can. You had no problem reading it while I wasn't here, did you? Go on, you cheeky minx. I know if I don't let you read it then you will behind my back. And I'd rather be here to err, _edit_, the bits I don't want you to read,"

I said, grinning, "What, do you have some rudey dudey bits in here?"

He said, "Maybe I do, maybe I don't but rest assured that if anything like that crops up I will be turning the page. Go on, read,"

Fine then, Mr. Laughy Laugh. I will.

_**3 minutes later**_

I can't believe he is letting me read this. And he _is _letting me. He is just sitting slightly behind me with his chin on my shoulder, arms draped around me, reading with me.

I said, "I can't believe you are letting me read this,"

He said, "It is brilliant though, isn't it? My soul on a page for you. You do know, Kittykat, eventually I do expect to be owed one diary-wise,"

"Dave, there is no way in the history of pantaloons you are reading my diary,"

He pretended to be miffed and then said, "I understand Georgia. You could never live up to this. I literally the King of Literature. Hey, do you reckon I should get it published?"

I looked at him, "Published? Dave, two days ago you threw a gigantibus strop because Imogen stole it,"

He shrugged, "Yes, but would _you_ want your sister to read _your_ private thoughts? Or any member of your family for that matter?"

I said, "They would read it if you published it. And twits like Mark Big Gob,"

Dave said, "Don't be silly, Sex Kitty. Mark Big Gob can't read,"

Good point, well made.

I read for a bit more and then Dave said, "You got a bit emotional over that last bit didn't you?"

I said, "What in the name of pantyhose are you on about?"

Dave said, "My Spaz Attack. You were crying when I came in,"

I was? How did I not notice that?

I said, "You cried in there,"

"I did _not_,"

"You did,"

"Didn't,"

"You _so_ did, Dave," I said, giving him a little shove, "I heard you sound funny on the phone and Jas told me then about your eyes being red. _Nash_ noticed your red eyes and then Imogen said you'd been crying," and I folded my arms in an 'I rest my case' type way.

Dave said, "You do remember that Imogen luuurves exaggerating?"

I looked at him. He looked back and then put his hands up and said, "Ok. I did, Happy?"

I said, "Vair, vair happy. I don't get that with you boy types, why you have to pretend to be so tough all the time,"

Dave said, "That is the mystery of boy kind. Anyway, let's stop talking about miserable things. Find a happy bit to read,"

I think he may be a little embarrassed about me knowing that he blubbed.

_**2 minutes later**_

I made Dave show me the bit when we first met.

**A/N: Back to Dave. When they first met. **

**Wednesday 29****th**** September**

_**9.30pm**_

Door Bell Rang. Nash was the first to get it. He was saying to who ever it was, "And yes, the cow did jumps over the moon but the dish and the spoon got scaredy and runs off and the little dog was laughings at him. It's all very true,"

It was the guys. I dragged Nash back into the living room because he was glomped onto Ed's leg and I think Ed was wondering if he should shower in bleach tonight.

Dec said, "You are coming clubbing with us,"

I said, "No I'm not,"

Nash said, "…and there was an egg man who fell off a wall and brokes himself and all the kings horsies and mans couldn't fix him and-"

I lugged him back into the living room.

When I got back Rollo said, "You need to stop moping over breaking up with whats-her-face. Get out, get yourself a rebound and come PARTAAAAAAAY!!"

I said, "No I'm not going with you," which is true because I am being forced against my human rights to babysit Nash. Again. Why is it always me who gets lumped with him? I should complain to the EU or something and say I am being treated unjustly.

Ed said, "Yes you are going out. Whether you like it or not,"

And all of them grab my arms and legs and carted me off. It was practically kidnap.

_**2 minutes later**_

I said, "Are you going to put me down?"

They said, "Yes," and dropped me straight into a puddle. It was not shallow. Had to go back and change.

_**3 minutes later**_

Imogen was in her bedroom with one of the face-watsits on that make her look like Shrek but only not as nice. I said to her, "Im, I'm going out. You're babysitting Nash,"

She said, "But I'M going out! It's your turn to babysit him!! Mum said-"

I said, "You snooze, you lose," and dashed off.

_**5 minutes later**_

They were all waiting on my wall for me when I came out. Which makes a change, seeing as they usually tell me to come out then bugger off before I get through the door.

We were setting off then Imogen started shrieking at me through her window about dumping Nash on her and ruining her life and Blablabla. She is so accusative. I don't really get her anymore. We used to get on fine when we were younger. I asked Dad once why and he said it was 'Women Problems'. I had to scamper off quick before he could explain. Which would be horrific.

I said to the guys, "Quick, take all and flee, before the mad squawking sister decides to chase us!"

Rollo said, "I don't know…I quite rate your sister, actually,"

I pushed him into a bush.

_**1 minute later**_

Rollo has sworn to duff me up (Yes, like that will ever happen). Only because it turned out it was one of those prickly holly bushes that I shoved him into. Still, he shouldn't be so disgusting. All is fair in love and war.

_**Crazy Coconut Club**_

_**10.00pm**_

Tom's brother's band is playing. The music is really good and the club is grooving. Speaking of the devil, where is Tom? Probably with his girlfriend or something. Or he got distracted by a weed on the way.

_**2 minutes later**_

Me and my mates were hanging out by the bar. We are looking out for Tom. He seems to have abandoned us since he got his girlfriend. He's always around her. Even though she does have a huge fringe.

I told him that a few days ago and he tried to bin me. But I am stronger than him. He eats far to many vegetables, that is his problem. Everyone knows a diet of pure sugar (mine) is much better for you than a diet of organic crap.

And then, Tom's Girlfriend came fringing over to us. Blimey. What does she want? I wonder whether she is looking for Tom. I thought those two were joined at the hip.

She said hi to Rollo and then said, "Who is Dave the Laugh?"

Dave _the Laugh_? Since when have I got a full title? Oh, wait! That's me!!

Rollo said, grabbing me roughly by the shoulders, "This is Dave the Laugh,"

And I said, "Why?"

Then she said something quite odd. In a good way odd. "Because my mate Georgia really rates you,"

Wow. And then she fringed over to her mates. Hang about a moment. How can this Georgia rate me if she doesn't know who I am? God, Girls are so weird.

Then she pointed at me and the whole group of them stared at me. Good Grief.

But which one is Georgia? They are all quite good looking girls. I shrugged at Jas or Jess or whatever her name is and she pointed at a girl who had been standing in the dark who I hadn't really noticed. But now I did. Because I was looking at her.

Phoar! Sex Kitty in human standing. Although she does have a rather large nose.

My mates were looking at me so I said, "I wonder why I am Dave 'the Laugh' all of a sudden?"

Dec said, "Well you are rather funny…"

I said, "Aaaaw, I luuurve you guys,"

And he said, "I said funny not gay!"

Oh, just because I am overly friendly.

_**6 minutes later**_

Tom eventually arrived. I said to him, really casually, "Do you know who Georgia is?"

Tom said, "Yeah, she's Jas' best mate. Why?"

I said, "No reason,"

Rollo said, "Because Georgia rates him apparently,"

Thanks Rollo.

Tom said, "Well, she is nice but not normal. In fact, she is extremely mad,"

Hmmm. Extremely mad. My type of girl.

Then Tom said, "Yes. For instance, she invited us to a pyjama party last June and me and Jas went off to get some air. When we came back she was running butt naked in the street,"

I said, "Was she drunk?"

He said, "No, she was perfectly ok, although a little giggly. I think she may be a nudist,"

Is that a good or a bad thing? We might get a few funny looks if we are walking about somewhere and she insists on being in her Nuddy Pants.

And then Tom said, "Anyway, I need to go find Jas," and went off.

_**8 minutes later**_

Just me and Rollo now. The rest have buggered off 'to get drinks'. But I know full well they have gone to chat up a group of birds they have been ogling at all night.

We walked around for a bit, stopping to dance with groups of girls, waving at people we knew, waving at people we don't know so we look more popular and all that.

Rollo said, "Look cool,"

I said, "Don't I always?"

Rollo said, "Jools is eying me up; I don't want her to think I am friends with twits,"

I said, "Rollo, are you implying that I am a twit?"

Rollo said, "Does that need answering Dave?"

It was so tempting to put my leg out and trip him in front of Jools.

_**2 minutes later**_

I was right about the others chatting up that group of girls. I can see them from here, doing eyes, acting like top cockerel, ruffling their feathers and such.

I could never be like them.

Hmm, Georgia has quite nice hair…

"Dave?! Are you even listening to me?"

Rollo was looking at me like an angry faced madman. Oops.

I said, "Yes,"

He said, "Do you think I should ask that Jools out? I quite like her,"

Georgia's hair is a sort of mouse colour but it is still nice. Not mouse as in the animal mouse. I would be a bit shocked if her hair started squeaking- oh, you know what I mean. Mouse as in hair colour.

Then Rollo elbowed me sharply in the side, "Stop staring at Georgia, you prat, she's looking this way,"

I looked the other way quickly, "Do you think she saw?"

Rollo shrugged.

_**Midnight**_

Made Rollo go under a table with me to watch the girls without being seen. He grumbled about me being immature but I think he is jealous of my imagination. I am a genius in biscuit form. When they move we sort of shuffle with the table after them. It has a tablecloth on it so we are perfectly concealed. Although I think some are finding it weird that a table is moving by itself. But they haven't lived life.

Rollo said, "We look like twits,"

I said, "We are twits, now keep shuffling forwards,"

Rollo said, "So do you fancy her then?"

I shrugged.

I said, "What rating do you give her?"

Rollo looked out from underneath the tablecloth, "Well, she is an all round good egg look wise but her nose is the size of Jupiter. But she also has large nungas so it makes up for that. And also nice legs. I give her a seven. What about you?"

I said eight. Then we knocked over a group of dancers with the table and had to run for it.

We were acting like we were nothing to do with the table collision when Dec came back grinning like he had won a trophy. Apparently, one of the Ladeeez at the bar keeps looking at him.

I said, "Probably looking at you thinking 'what a spectacular idiot of first water,'"

Dec said, "Oh, shut up,"

Rollo said, "He has his eye on that Georgia who rates him,"

Thanks Rollo.

Dec said, "It is not the done thing to fancy a rebound,"

I said, "Who said anything about a rebound?"

They just looked at me.

Rollo said, "You will regret it in the end, you know. Taking a liking to people too easily, people will just take advantage and walk all over you,"

I said, "And that doesn't count with you and Jools because…?"

Rollo said, "I have actual spoken to her,"

"You haven't,"

"Have to,"

"Have not,"

"Have to," Rollo said, "The other day I was walking to school and I think she was late and she asked me what time it was so I _have_ spoken to her,"

Big Wow.

Rollo carried on, "But you on the other hand have only just found out she exists and therefore have not said a word to her. As far as you know she could be a…be a…um…Psychotic chicken killer!!"

Hear ye, hear ye! World news breaking! Rollo's last brain cell has officially died!!

He said, "Yes, you could fancy a psychotic chicken killer for all you know,"

I said, "And also who said anything about fancying? Encase you have a memory of a goldfish it was her who apparently rates me,"

Dec said, "Well let's hope she rates him, because she is coming this way!"

And they did the crazy-ceremonial-slapping-of-the-cheeks-watsit (why do we do that??) and shoved me into a crowd. Georgia was coming out of the Piddly Diddly Department. I looked back at Rollo and Dec. They were waving there arms like chickens. As in calling me a chicken. Twits.

Either that or they are saying 'beware the psychotic chicken killer'.

I went over to Georgia and I tapped her shoulder and said to her, "Hi,"

She said, doing this odd thing with her nose "Oh hi,"

I said, "Are you Georgia?"

**A/N; Back to Gee.**

I looked at Dave.

He said, "What?"

I said, "_A psychotic chicken killer_?"

He shrugged.

_**2 minutes later**_

I said, "Did you really watch me from under a table?"

He nodded. Good Grief akimbo!!

"I am so flattered that you fancied me from back then, Dave,"

Dave said, "Well you are a Sex Kitty of first water, Gee,"

I said, "A Sex Kitty of first waters even with my nose _the size of Jupiter_?"

"Rollo's words, not mine," said Dave, "I like it, personally,"

Aaaaw. I felt a bit teasy so I said, "So, did I give you jelloid knees at all when you saw me?"

"No offence Gee, but guys don't really do jelloid,"

"I sometimes make you go jelloid when I snog you,"

"I'll give you that one," said Dave, "But that was only, what, three times?"

"Three?!" I said, "My count goes two; when I turned you into vegetable boy and when I pinned you down. When was number three?"

"Oh, didn't you notice?" he smirked, "During the camping fiasco,"

I said, "Really?" I hadn't noticed. I wish I had, "I am deffo a Sex Kitty of first waters then,"

"Don't over estimate yourself, Kittykat," said Dave, "I've made you go jelloid far more times,"

I said, "Have not,"

Dave said, "Gee, I am not dumb. If you start talking about the pope or something after I've snogged you then I am pretty sure you've gone jelloid," Good point, well made, "But who can blame you? After all I am-"

"Jack the Biscuit, yes we know,"

He chuckled and said, "Well not just Jack the Biscuit, just Dave the Laugh in general,"

I just raised my eyebrows at him. He raised them back. I raised mine higher. He raised his higher. I raised mine until they were practically lost in my hair.

Then Dave did his naughtinosity personified grin, "Hey, Kittykat, I bet I can make you go jelloid first,"

All this jelloid talk was making me feel weird. But a good weird. I said, "Is that a challenge?"

"You bet it is,"

I said, "Bring it on," and I lunged forwards and snogged him. He gently caught my face between his hands and sort of held me still while he snogged me. Really small, soft kisses. It was a really low number on the snogging scale but it still was marvy. And then he started to do number five…number six. Brillopads!! I nearly forgot that we were having a competition. Nearly, not quite.

You would have thought that he would have done nip libbling straight away, wouldn't you? Maybe he was saving the best to last? Ho hum pigs bum. Because he wasn't nip libbling, _I _did. I was only brave enough to do the mousey-sized nibbles at first but then I plucked up my couragiosity and nip libbled full frontally for a bit. And then Dave slightly pulled away, but I still had his lower lip, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

He said, "Good, Gee, but you still need to work on it if you want to be a tip top nip libbler like _moi_,"

Cheeky Cat.

And then he started nip libbling _me_. It was fabby but I wasn't going to let him make me jelloid. So I broke off and did number 6 ½ to him. I really softly sort of nibbled on his ear lobe. He seemed to like that. What it be called… lar eibbling? Eab nirrling? Who knows? Who cares? All that matter is that I am a snogging champion.

Then Dave said, "Two can play at that game, Gee," and went to my ear and very gently brushed his lips against the outsidey-type bit of my ear and then did number 6 ½. Oh my giddy god's pyjamas!! The laugh can ear snog too!! It took all I had not to go jelloid. But then he did the ear nibbling watsit (fan-bloody-tastic) like I had done and I accidentally let out a little moan.

Dave stopped and said, "Jelloid yet?"

I said, "Of course not. I'm not going to lose," and I started nuzzling his neck. He made a 'hurgh' sound by accident so I guess we are even stevens on the moaning front now. I think he realised that and he lifted my chin up to stop me and started snogging my mouth again. I was running my hands up and down his back when, I don't know why, but I tugged his t shirt off him. He let me. Then he pulled my top off. I let him. And then he took my over-the-shoulder-boulder holder off me too and it turned into number eight. But I didn't mind because I didn't feel so sub conscious about him seeing me anymore. Hmmm.

I could sort of see where this was going but I didn't mind that either. Let the devil take hindmost!! I started messing about with his belt. Gadzooks and lack a day! I must have an inner minxlette.

But suddenly he grabbed my hands to stop me and said, "Georgia, are you sure you want to do this?"

What? Why is he stopping me? I thought the boy types were all into this. Maybe he doesn't have a normal boy-type brain box. It would explain a lot.

I nearly asked him that but he had sounded a bit on the serious side so I said, "Do you want to?"

He said, "Doesn't matter whether I want to or not. Do you want to?"

I said, "I do if you want to,"

He said, "I only do if you want to,"

I said, "No, Dave just answer this, do you want to do it?"

He said, "Forget about me. Do you want to?"

We could have gone on for centauries.

I said, "We could go on like this for centauries," and I snogged him to shut him up and carried on undoing his belt. He let me this time.

_**10 minutes later**_

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers!!

We are both in our nuddy pants (!). I haven't ever seen a boy properly in his nuddy pants before- the time when I accidentally walked in on Vati in the shower does not count at all because I think my eyes practically died of horrificiosity of it.

But this isn't horrific. It is actually nice. Especially because I am with Dave. My Dave. I am vair, vair lucky if you think that I could have been with Mark Big Gob. Or Whelk Boy. Erlack a Pongoes!

We were about to, you know, do the number ten type fandango when Dave asked me again whether I was sure that I wanted to.

I said, again, "Do you want to?"

This time he said, "Of course I want to; I'm a guy. But I'm not the sort of guy to push you into anything you don't want to do,"

Aaaaaaaaw. He is so sweet.

I said, "Yes. I do,"

And then it happened.

Number 10!!

As in the full Monty!

It was a bit odd, really. It hurt a little at the start but it got better near the end. I think I liked it. He deffo did. Ho hum pigs bum.

And then it was over and he rolled off me and lay next to me. I pulled the duvet over us. We snuggled for a bit and then he said, "I think you won the jelloid-making competition, Kittykat,"

* * *

**Sorry this took so long to upload. It was kind of for three reasons a)School Work b) it is 27 word doc pages long in size 10 Arial when usually they are about 14 or so and c) I kept getting worried over some of the content and rewriting. **

**I hope that's not too much on that front. It's all a little taboo on the Georgia Forum, not that I am complaining; some forums are disgusting because of the amount of it. I know that there are only a few Dave and Georgia number 10 scenes here so I felt a bit nervy on writing it. I don't think it is bad at all, I think it is still a T. I didn't want to leave it as a dot, dot, dot because I wanted the fact that he cares for her and keeps asking whether she's sure in. I kept having spazzes whether to write it or not but there are obviously things that only come of that.**

**Obviously you can guess what I mean…but that is not the aggers in horns! Well, it has its moments when Gee finds out but it is more of a supplement to the main aggers. The main aggers causer isn't coming in until the end of the last chapter, mwahahahaha. **

**I had a bit of a spaz about the diary extracts too. There were originally three but the second was so dodgy I had to take it out. The big one, on the argument was written ages ago but I had to rewrite most of that as well because it made Dave sound so stupid. I really wish I hadn't said about the red eyes/ strange voice thing in Gird. **

**Anyway, let me know what you think. looks hopeful**

**Ps. I will be writing the next chapter straight away, not doing the next chapter of red herrings first then this. Next chappie of this is the last so I might as well finish this off. **


	14. God Works in Mysterious Ways

**Cough, cough, choke splutter. Why in the name of pantyhose did I have to get ill in HALF TERM?? When I should be enjoying myself?? Writing fanfics?? You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be as right as rain when I go back to school. Hmp. I hate fate sometimes. **

**Rightie! I can get to work with this!!! Yay! Last chapter. Mwahahaha. Thankies for all the nice reviews for last chapter, you've made me feel a lot less nervous now :) **

**Do you want to know something quite **_**Erlack**_**? Well I was looking on the internet and I searched Louise Rennison and she was born in 1951. Now presuming the guy who she based the book's character of Dave the Laugh on was around the same age that will make the real life Dave… 57!!! Which will probably mean he has grey hair or something…oh god, not good, one of my besties, Kaara keeps saying 'Pot Belly! Pot Belly! Receding Hairline! Receding Hairline!' but I don't think he would ever let himself go that far. And besides as the saying goes, which I stole off my other bestie Vinnie2757 who stole it from a yuffentine ff, 'Grandads are sex bombs in slippers' lol.**

**I realised I got the date wrong on the last chapter…oops…changey changey…**

**Don't worry about the preggers. Yes, it is my plan but I am not going to make it follow normal suit and it's not going to take over till near the end; there are going to be more important things for Gee to agonised over, mwahahaha. It is just a way I can shove a lot of plot twists in because, quite frankly, Sky has been boring to write as it is all too straight forward and happy. It is like the metaphorical jacket I have find something to sow up every night- I would like it to stay intact but it is more fun to sow a broken seam up than wonder how I could add to it, probably ruining it. So therefore I must tear Dave and Gee apart at the seams to make them even stronger when I sow them back up again- and yes, the Gird Series will end with them together, happily and their jacket intact,**

**I will shut up because I am getting deep and it's scaring me. **

* * *

**God Works in Mysterious Ways**

_**Sunday June 21**__**st**_

_**8.00am**_

I very nearly had a bit of a nervy spaz waking up in my nuddy pants but then I remembered the number 10 type fiasco and I was all fine and dandy.

I suppose I am officially a woman now.

_**2 minutes later**_

I had turned in my sleep so my back was to Dave and we were all snugly buggly like a couple of spoons. He had his arms wrapped around my waist.

_**1 minute later**_

Quite tightly.

_**2 minutes later**_

I can't get actually free.

_**3 minutes later**_

I tried gently tugging his arms off me but they wouldn't budge.

Not that I mind because it's all nice and warmy being with him but I would like to be able to breath.

Tuggy tuggy tuggy, handies not budging-y.

Dave said, "You do know I am not going to let go of you now, don't you?"

He'd been awake all the time!!

I said, "Why not?"

"Because I love you, that is why," and he nuzzled my neck.

Aaaaw.

But he did let go in the end. Although, naturally, his hands did creep up from my waist and onto my nungas before he let me go. Not that I mind. Much.

We just lay there on our backs for a bit, sneaking sneaky-type peeks at each other, as you do when your girlfriend/ boyfriend-type fandango is in their nuddy pants next to you (oo-er).

And then suddenly we heard BANG BANG CLUNK and 'Oy, Im! Dave! We're home!"

Dave said, leaping up like a mad salmon "Oh, bugger," and we started pulling on our clothes like two mad loons on loon tablets. Oh god, oh god, oh god!!! Pully top on, knickers, skirt, socks, shoes, oh Merde forgot my bra, top off, bra on, top back on, hair brushy brushy brushy, quick quick quick. And just as the door opened we grabbed a book each like we'd been reading. Blimey O'Reily's trousers, our red herringnosity skills are tip top. And a half.

Dave's Mutti said, "Hi love we're back- oh, hi Georgia,"

Oh god. My heart was going about twenty billion miles and hour. Me and Dave looked at each other.

She said, "You must be such an early bird being round so early,"

Phew.

Then she said, "Hmm, why you reading? It's not like you…"

Uh oh, she's rattled us.

Then Nash saved the day and came bursting in, nearly knocked Dave's Mutti over and yelled, "DAVEY!!! DAVEY!!! OOOOH!!! AND GEORGIE PORGIE!!! YAAAAAYYY!!! I AM BACK!!! HAHAHAHA!!!"

I have never been so pleased to see the little maniac.

Nash was saying, "Yes, yes and there were some sheepies at nanny's and they went baaaa and I tried to strokes one but I think it killed me but then I was better and I wents and threw a brick at it and it's all good,"

When he went to terrorise Imogen I said to Dave, "Phew,"

"I think we got away with that one," he said, "I don't think she noticed that your book was upside down,"

Oh poo.

_**2 minutes later**_

_**Operation Sneak me and my stuff out of the house. **_

We were going down the stairs and then I whispered, "My heart was going about twenty billion miles an hour then. I thought for sure that she had rattled us,"

"I know, I thought I was dead meat for sure," said Dave, "It is bad enough to be killed once, no one wants to be killed twice,"

"Twice? Why are you going to be killed a second time?"

Dave said, "Well,"

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ARSE IS ALL THIS MESS?"

Dave said, "That,"

Imogen said from downstairs, "Don't you dare blame me this time! It wasn't me! Ask Dave! It was his party! And he kept me locked outside half the night!!"

The door opened at the bottom of the stairs, "David, what is all this mess?"

Uh oh.

Dave said, as cool as le cucumber, "The remnants of a marvy party,"

His Mutti just stood there looking quite ballisiticisimus in a red faced way and then said in what she supposed was a demanding Mutti type voice, "Clean it up. Now,"

Dave said, "As much as I would love to I need to help Gee with her stuff,"

There was a bit of silence Mutti-wise but we were half way down the drive she yelled, "David, please tell me she did _not_ stay the night?!"

Dave and me looked at each other and then he said, "Run,"

And by golly we did.

_**4 minutes later**_

We stopped a bit from my street and we did a quick number five as a s'laters kiss and after I said to Dave, "You are so dead when you get back to yours, you will be the dead boyfriend, _au revoir _Mr. Dead Biscuit,"

Dave said, "Hmm, I know, the consequences are not particularly appealing. I may be forced to listen to the 'talk',"

I laughed and said, "Will you be able to make it to the gig tonight? I have been told by an ex guitar plucker that I must show up to his last gig,"

Dave said, "Of course, if I didn't Tom would have my guts for garters and all that jazz, and would I miss a single opportunity to be with my Sex Kitty? I think not," and he gave me a small peck on my mouth, "S'laters," and he started strolling off.

I yelled after him, "Yes, but you might get grounded. You've only been free a few days,"

Dave turned around and shouted, "Don't worry, Kittykat! I will be free. God works in mysterious ways- that's why he made me!!" and he went away quite literally laughing on his fast camel.

Good Grief.

_**Home**_

Chez Bonkers alert!

Vati came to greet me (not) his too-small-jimjams. I could see his belly jumping about wildly. It is alarming in an old man. I think if Vati cut off his stomach and Mutti cut off her nungas they could feed a whole third world country. Let no one say that I am not charitable.

El Portly One said, "Georgia! This is the last straw! Your cat has utterly demolished next doors Organic Farm and blablablabla,"

Turns out that Angus and his partner in crime Cross-eyed Gordy have destroyed Mrs. And Mr. Next Door's Organic Farm, known to other normal people as several spindly chickens in a kennel. Well, what was several spindly chickens in a kennel but is now just a kennel. But, as I pointed out to Vati, what cruel sadists would buy chickens knowing that two cats live next door?

Vati, predictably had a nervy B at _moi_. I nearly said that he couldn't shout at me now because I am officially a woman but I thought no.

_**10.00am**_

_**Boudoir of Luuurve (My Bedroom)**_

I am contemplating my life as woman.

_**3 minutes later**_

I am quite literally a Sex Kitty now. Heehee.

_**5 minutes later**_

I still can't believe that I got to the top of the snogging scale _avec_ Dave the Laugh!! Because it is unbelievable, that is why.

_**11.00am**_

Phone rang.

I said, "Yes, I know, even if I have a dramatic turn in life to contemplate I will get the phone. You lot just relax, I will be slavey girl,"

Mutti said, "Thanks Gee!" and there were a few slurpy noises coming from the living room. I just hope that Gordy has a hairball again.

It was the Ace Gang.

Rosie, as per usual, was top cockerel in the pecking order of life when it came to the phone, "_Bonsoir moi petite ami_,"

I answered, "Hello Rosie,"

Mabs said, "We are heading down to Boots to buy make up for the gig,"

Rosie said, "Yes, our theme is glitter,"

Good Lord.

_**2 minutes later**_

Still, I am sure Mutti would have some ludicrously glittery top that I can borrow.

And I am also sure she will have ten squids which she doesn't mind me…er, stealing.

_**11.30am**_

Met the Ace Gang outside Luigi's and we walked down to Boots together. Rosie was wearing a beard and Jas was talking about strawberry flavoured voles and Ellen was…well, Ellen was just being Ellen i.e. ditherspazzing.

I am feel like I am the only one full of maturiosity, in an I've-done-number-10-and-they-haven't type of way.

_**3 minutes later**_

Not that I will tell them. They don't need to hear Kittykat and Laugh-type Porn. Oo-er.

_**5 minutes later**_

I would probably cause Ellen to lose the power of speech entirely, anyway. And Jas' eyes will probably pop out of her head.

_**1 minute later**_

And Rosie would probably choke on her beard.

Or most likely interrogate me like inspector bonkers of Scotland Yard.

_**Boots**_

Jools and Mabs went off to look at the hair stuff, Rosie was looking at glitter-type sprays and Jas was looking for Make Up that hasn't been tested on animals. Which is madness, as I have told her many times. What is the point of saving a pig getting pustules and boils only so we get pustules and boils. She will regret it when her face looks like a Lurker Factory i.e. full of lurkers.

I was dawdling around aimlessly like two short aimless things in aimless land.

_**2 minutes later**_

Erlack a Pongoes!! I have accidentally dawdled my merry way past a shelf of durexes…you know, boy balloons.

_**30 seconds later**_

But maybe we should have used one?

_**3 minutes later**_

Actually, I am glad we didn't. They look rather disgusting. And slimy. Like Slimy Slug jackets only not so nice.

What are they for, anyway?

_**1 minute later**_

Had to dawdle off because the till assistant was looking at me and I was worried she might come over and try and 'help me'.

_**5 minutes later**_

I have got some fabby glittery make up stuff. I have this really sparkly pink eye shadow and mascara that adds glitter onto your lashes. That must be top entrancibilty-wise.

I could try doing sticky eyes on Dave with it on. Now we have girded our loins and plighted our troth we must keep the flame of luuurve alive.

_**4 minutes later**_

Whichever end of the snogging scale is used.

Shut up! I think I am developing a minx for a brain.

_**10 minutes later**_

Rosie has brought a glitter spray! For hair and face. She gave us all a good spraying when we got out of the shop to 'test it'. We were twinkling like little stars.

Unfortunately when Rosie sprayed it, Mabs had been chatting to Jools and she got a mouthful and had a coughing fit. But only in a glittery way.

_**2 minutes later**_

We were twinkly twinkling down the street when we heard a 'Oh,_ ja_!"

And it wasn't Sven.

It was Herr Kamyer and Miss Wilson! Coming out of Oxfam. Wearing matching anoraks. They had their arms linkied up too!!

I said, "Erlack!"

Rosie said, "Aww, they must be in luuurve. Isn't it nice how the Specific Horn comes in so many forms?"

Blimey O'Reily's Cotton Underpants! I must make sure me and Dave never end up sad like that. It is just too naff.

Then Jools said, under her breathe "Ooooh, Miss Wilson you red bottomed minx! Billy Shakespeare will be vair upset that you dumped him for another man,"

And we laughed like Billio.

Rosie said, "Should I spray them with glitter?"

We managed to persuade her to save it till tonight.

_**4 minutes later**_

We carried on glittering down the high street with Rosie spraying innocent passers by. There is no telling her sometimes. Well, I tried but she said, "Oh, Gee, I have the urge," which sounded a bit dodgy potatoes so I left it.

Then we heard an "Oh _JA_! My lovelies! Feel the horn! Love the horn!!" and for one freaky deaky moment we thought it was Herr Kamyer come to molest us but this time it was Sven.

I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

He went charging at Rosie like a mad snogging bat only Swedish but she said, "Hold it big boy, you'll wreck my glittericosity," and she sprayed him straight in the face.

_**2 minutes later**_

I think Rosie may have got glitter in his eye; Sven is walking around with his eyes really wide and he has just trod on a cat that was innocently going to wreak havoc Vole-population-wise. He looks like he is on drugs (Sven, not the cat- although I don't know…)

_**3 minutes later**_

You would have thought if your girlfriend-fandango sprayed you in the eyes with glitter you would at least hit number four on the humpty scale. But no, not his mad Svenish. He just licked Rosie's cheek (!). Maybe he wanted a sparkly tongue to match. Who knows? Who cares?

_**1 minute later**_

Sven has just walked into a lamppost.

_**6 minutes later**_

We are free from our Fish Overlord. He has gone running after a milk float van. No one knows why. I don't think we ever will. _C'est la mysterie de la vie._

_**Mabs' House**_

We all went over Mabs' House because her loons were out. It is a shame that we don't get to have Ace Gang meeting much anymore. We had a good natter and chatter and all that. We talked about so many interesting intellectual topics…boys, lip gloss, boys, clothes, boys and err…boys.

Mabs said that Edward and her had gone on a proper date on Friday. I asked where and she said, "McDonalds,". She has no pridnosity.

Then Jools said, "I think I may in the lead snogging scale wise,"

All the Ace Gang looked at her but I thought 'you're not, I am, with my biscuit of a boyfriend,'

_**4 minutes later**_

Turns out that Jools got to number nine with Rollo. Properly. Not her showing him her panties. All the Ace Gang were agog like two gogs. I have to admit I was a little. Me and Dave sort of missed out the entire number nine-type fiasco.

I didn't say anything about me and Dave and the full Monty. I don't know why.

_**4.00pm**_

Walking back with Jas. Then Oscar, Junior Blunder Boy and Full Time Twit came peddling past on his push bike (how old is he? Four?). He had the most gigantibus trousers known to man kind on and he said when he say us, "Yo! What up biatches??" and he tried to do that finger thing when you shake them and make them snap, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Fortunately, because he had to take a hand off the handle bars he fell off before he could horrify us anymore.

Jas said when we were a couple of streets away from twit-boy, "It's shocking, isn't it?"

I said, "What? Oscar's Trousers? I think he got them second hand from the elephant shop,"

She said, "No, I mean Jools and Rollo, rushing up the snogging scale with ad-hoc abandon. I mean, me and Tom have been together longer than them and we haven't even done number 7,"

I said, _trés_ helpfully, "Well, Jas, you might not have done number 7 because you haven't got anything to do number 7 with,"

She got in a bit of a huff and flicked her fringe like a loon. An owly loon. Then she said, "No, I mean, don't you think they are rushing things?"

Oh Merde. If she thinks Rollo and Jools are rushing it, then she will have _un_ spaz attack at me and Dave.

Not that she will know. I am not going to tell her until hell freezes over.

_**10 minutes later**_

"Dave and I did number 10 last night,"

I thought Jas was having a seizure.

_**2 minutes later**_

Jas said, "Oh my giddy god, Georgia! Are you serious?!"

"Yep,"

"Really?"

"Yep,"

"Honestly,"

"Yep,"

"100 percent?"

"JAS!!"

_**1 minute later**_

Jas said, "Gee, did you use protection?"

I said, "Of course not! Have you seen a durex? It looks disgusting, like a slug, Erlack, Erlack!"

She looked at me like looking person. Stop looking at me you looking at person with a bad fringe!!

She said, "Gee-"

I said, looking at my watch, "Oh, look at the time! Must go!"

And I scampered off.

_**4 minutes later**_

No way am I having Jas give me a Sex Talk. She is my bestest pally not my parent. She will probably get some vole puppets out to demonstrate and- Erlack a pongoes! I must get those images out of my mind, it is all too horrific.

_**1 minute later**_

Why can't she be happy for me?

_**6 minutes later**_

I think she's jealous that I'm a woman and she's not.

_**Home**_

Why is Libby dressed as a…um, well I am not sure what it is. She looks like a swamp monster from the deep.

_**3 minutes later**_

Turns out that Mutti thought it would be a good idea to take Libby to the woods to 'be at one with nature' but Libby feel down a ditch. Of course, demon child LOBES being filthy and won't take a bath. Even if she is covered in fox poo.

_**6 minutes later**_

Erlack a Pongoes!! Cross Eyed Gordy has started licking the fox poo off Libby!

_**2 minutes later**_

Angus has joined in. Libby luuurves it and is giggling like a miniature loon on loon tablets. She keeps saying, "Bad boys, bad boys, my poo! You is tickling me! Heggy hog hog,"

_**4 minutes later**_

Libby has just fallen in the mug cupboard. I will never be having a cup of coffee in this house again.

_**6 minutes later**_

How disgusting is this?? Libby just licked her own hand! Cover in poo!! She is probably going to get Black Death now.

Of course, where is Mutti at a time like this? Getting a hose? Of course not, she is watching TV on 'how to look fifty years younger'

_**1 minute later**_

I went into Mutti. I said, "Mutti, you do know that your daughter, affectionately known as Libby, is covered in fox poo and Cross Eye Gordy started licking it off her, then Angus licked it off her, then she fell in a cupboard and now she is licking it off herself. Are you aware that, as well as that being vair, vair disgusting, she may well catch Black Death?"

Mutti said, "Sssh, Gee, I am trying to watch 'How to look fifty years younger'. I wanted to regain my youthful charms,"

I said, "I think you need more than 'fifty years younger',"

She threw the remote at me. She is so violent.

I said, "Fine then, I will go to my room, to be in my room while Libby is contracting Black Death and stinks like a manure field ENCASE ANYONE NOTICED!!"

Mutti said, "Ok, Gee, have fun,"

_**4 minutes later**_

_**My bedroom**_

She is truly a crap Mutti. I think I should phone social services.

_**7 minutes later**_

I was thinking about phoning them, when the phone rang. Maybe the neighbours have complained and social services are phoning us?

I got the phone, I said, "I am so glad you called! My mutti is completely crap and we all are going to contract Black Death and-"

"Calm down, Kittykat, I didn't know you were that happy to hear from me!"

It was Dave.

I said, "Did you get away with everything?"

Dave said, "Yes and no,"

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "I obviously got the blame for the party. Unbelievably she made me clean it all up. By myself. I think it may be against my human rights. I feel like Cinderella, only without the nungas and glass shoe. I think someone will try and give me a poisoned apple soon,"

I said, "The poison apple was Snow White,"

"Ah," said Dave, "I'm not well-acquainted with the Disney Princesses,"

I laughed and I then said, "And the yes part?"

"I got away with the you-staying-over-type fandango,"

"Oh," I said, "What did you say?"

Dave said, "I told her that you didn't stay the night and you had a big bag with you because you brought books and stuff because you heard when she decided to lecture me on my school report and decided to help me,"

"And she believed that," She is dumber that I thought,

"Yep, I can be a very convincing liar when I want to be," said Dave, "But beware Kittykat, you will probably receive a knighthood next time you are over; since I said that she has been singing your praises,"

"Good Grief,"

He said, "Yes, I know. You are quite lucky actually; you are the only girlfriend I have dared to let my loons meet that has not been criticised,"

I said, "What in the name of pantyhose are you on about?"

He said, "Well, according to her, Ellen didn't talk enough yet Rachel talked far too much and Emma talked the right amount but had nothing intelligent to say-"

"And I have my own language to talk in,"

Dave said, "Exactamondo, Sex Kitty," then he said, "Anyway, I must go. I am going to have to catch a few zeds before this gig, Davarella is on the state of collapse," which made me laugh like a loon on loon tablets. We blew kisses down the phone at each other which I thought was a little weird but ho hum pigs bum.

_**6.00pm**_

I must start getting ready for the gig!

I know I am officially a girlfriend of a Laugh but I must not lax my appearance. I must still reek of Sex Kittynosity but in a I-have-a-one-and-only-one-type way.

I have my curlers in.

_**5 minutes later**_

_**Plucking to an Inch of my Life**_

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

_**6.30pm**_

I am now baldy baldy (although not in an Uncle Eddy type way) and free from the orang-utan gene.

I am also lurker free, which is always a bonus.

_**7 minutes later**_

I had a snoop through Mutti's draws and I found this glittery top. It didn't look like it had been stretched too badly from her hugemongous nunga nungas so I put it on, and my grey mini skirt.

For the _piece de resistance_ I stole Libby's sparkling deely boppers. I checked to make sure they were poo free first though.

_**7.00pm**_

Make up time. I put on my make up from Boots.

_**30 minutes later**_

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! All this glitter on my eyes is _trés_ heavy. I can barely open them.

_**7.30pm**_

Oh _Merde_! _Trés trés_ _Merde_! And also poo!

I took my curlers out and it looked like my head has exploded.

_**10 minutes later**_

Crept into the kitchen and ironed my hair. Mutti was in the bathroom drowning Libby and Vati was bowling with his lardy mates so I was Ok. My hair looks better now, although it smells a little on the burnt side of things.

_**8.30pm**_

Met the Ace Gang at the Clock Tower as per usual and we walked to the gig together. Rosie attacked us all with glitter spray so we weren't just six girls walking to a gig together, we were six sparkly sex kitties walking to the gig together, ready to take on the world!!

I shouted, in a moment of eupho-watsit and _joie de vivre_, "Bring on the trouser snakes!!"

Jas said, "Of course you'd know all about that, won't you, Georgia?"

Ooooh, she's playing dirty now.

_**1 minute later**_

I pushed her into a bush. Happy days!!

_**Honey Club**_

_**9.00pm**_

The boys were waiting for us at the bar. Dave the laugh had obviously escape Cinderella duties and was there too. Fabby!! He said, "Woah, glitter!" and he gave me a hug and nuzzled my neck a little, which felt vair groovy.

Then he said, "Gee, did you set your hair on fire? It smells a little burnt,"

I said, "No, I ironed it,"

He looked at me like I was bonkers. Not for long though because Rosie attacked him with the glitter spray.

_**8 minutes later**_

I now have a _trés_ glittery boyfriend. We are like the glitter couple!

But everyone was now glittery because RoRo had sprayed us all. It was like a glitter fest!!

_**4 minutes later**_

We all did group mad dancing together. We even did some Viking Disco Inferno. The boys are vair keen learners.

_**11.00pm**_

Phew, I am tuckered. Mad dancing is very tiring. Dave and I went and sat at a squishy leather sofa thing (i.e. the snog emporium) and had a drink each. We watched Robbie singing his final gig. He did look vair vair groovy, as he is the original Sex God but I can't believe I ever was madly in luuurve with him. He had no personality. I like my boys to be a laugh.

I had some weird leap of love thing and I gave Dave a little snog. I don't think he was expecting it but he snogged me back.

Then Rollo, who'd been sitting near us said, "God, you two snogging is giving me the terminal droop, I must find Jools," and he went back into the crowds on a snog hunt.

_**3 minutes later**_

There is a girl spying on me and Dave over her glass few tables away. I think she might be jealous that I have a groovy gravy boyfriend.

_**2 minutes later**_

I said to Dave, "Libby was covered in fox poo earlier,"

He said, "What?"

I said, "Yeah, Mutti decided to let her be one with nature and such pants but she fell down a ditch,"

He said, "I love your house, it is so funny,"

I said, "No, you won't when we have Black Death; Libby was licking it off,"

He said, "Erlack!"

_**1 minute later**_

The girl is still looking at us. She must have the green-eyed monster really bad.

Unless she is a stalker.

Or wondering why I am wearing deely boppers.

Ho hum pigs bum.

I said to Dave, "But when I told Mutti that Libby may contract Black Death she threw the remote at me!"

He tapped my nose and said, "Ever the drama queen, aren't you, Sex Kitty?" and went to get us another drink.

_**30 seconds later**_

The girl watched Dave go to the bar and back. OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas, it's him she's looking at!

Ah well, at least I know that I have a vair fanciable boyfriend.

_**4 minutes later**_

She is still watching us. Well, watching Dave.

_**1 minute later**_

It's sort of unnerving actually.

_**3 minutes later**_

I should really go over to her and demand why she is looking at us like a looking thing in err…lookland.

_**4 minutes later**_

Even Dave's noticed it now.

Dave said, "That girl is staring at us,"

I said, "No, Dave, she's staring at you,"

He said, "Well that is understandable as I am a head-turning biscuit,"

I just looked at him.

Then he said, "Why not give her something to stare at?" and he snogged me.

_**3 minutes later**_

Number 5 with a little 6. We wouldn't want to give her porn; just show her that me and Dave are a coupley-type couple.

_**2 minutes later**_

She's still watching us. Maybe something is wrong with her and she has a mad seeing-eye-dog disease?

_**5 minutes later**_

Gadzooks! She's coming over!!

I detached myself from Dave's mouth and I said, "Can you please stop being so stalkerish?"

She said, "Am not,"

Dave said, "You were staring at us; in my Hornmeister and also biscuit opinion, I count that as quite stalkerish,"

I said, "Can you leave us alone? We are not exhibit type things to be looked at,"

She said, "I had good reason to," then she turned to Dave, "Can I speak to you? In private?"

I said, "Err, no you cannot, whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of me too!"

She said to me, "I think he can answer for himself, love,"

How rude!?

Dave said, "Listen, I really don't mean to be rude but I have no idea who you are so can you just go away?"

That seemed to stump her, "You don't know who I am?"

He shook his head, blankly.

She said, "Oh, you sod! I know my hair is a lot shorter than it used to be and it's been a few years but come on! Surely you must remember me!"

Dave said, "Are you sure it's me you are looking for? Are you sure you haven't got me mixed up with someone else?"

She said, "No, quite sure,"

Who in the name of pantibus is she?

Before I could ask Dave asked, "Who in the name of pantibus are you?"

Blimey, he must be mystic Meg!

She said, "That's really insulting, you know, not knowing me. I'm not going to tell you if you don't remember," and she looked thoughtful for a bit then said, "Got it," and she pulled her hair into two piggy tails. She that really mad layered hair and it kept falling out of her hands, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I wonder whether I should call the white coats for her? We watched her for a bit like she was bonkers (which she is) and Dave seemed as bewildered as me until he obviously suddenly recognized her because his eyes went a bit wide and he said, "Amber?!"

Huh?

* * *

**And that's your lot****! **

**So who is Amber? ****An old mate? An ex girlfriend? A long lost cousin? A fellow camel rider? A traffic light?**

**You'll have to wait until Back on****to the Horns of the Watsit to find out- aren't I the cruelest? **


	15. Good Bye for Now!

**Author's Notie Notie Note.**

**Howdy there! **

**A Skyscraper Funosity-wise is all done and dusted, hope you enjoyed it!!**

**Sorry for the long wait for the last chapter- I was ill earlier in the week and then had a little writers block to ramble through the middle section. Bet you are thinking 'excuses, excuses, Trampy Mouse, tut tut,' **

**I'm going to finish Red Herrings for the Queen next and then there is going to be another fanfic which I reckon you'll really like which I may upload half way through Red Herrings (cos I can't wait to write it!!). **

**Then Back onto the Horn's of the Watsit will be started and I can get back into some plot twists and aggers. Because, secretly (well not so, cos I am now posting it on the internet!) Sky was a little boring to write because it was just too happy. And as much as I like them to be happy, too much fluff is a bad thing. Like too much chocolate. **

**There is still going to be a little fluff, of course, but you are long overdue for some agony!!**

**Don't worry about the preggers ruining the plot. As I said in my top author's note on the last chapter, it's not going to follow suit, it serves a purpose for when I can get back to doing my favourite thing; twisting the plot to the unexpected! Because that was impossible in Sky. Sky was just to build up a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship between them rather than there original relationship. **

**Anyway, tally ho, my lovely warm (not, since the central heating broke) bed is waiting for me and I am on the verge of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**Trampy Mouse. **

**Ps. Sorry for not starting Horns straight after this, but I really need a break from the plot of this series. :)**


	16. Note to Readers

Ok, to end the constant pms and SOME of the abusive ones that I am getting (you know who you are) I am simply going to say NO I am not writing any more fanfics.

Reasons?

1.I don't want to

Nicolson has got really boring for me and it seems so childish now.

3.I'm busy

So, there you go. And please don't send me through pms that I 'owe it to fanfiction' (again you know who you are) because in actually fact I owe it to my future, especially since now my GCSE's have kicked in- i.e. I mess up them and I screw my entire future for the next 50 years or so.

**The plot of Horns:**

Amber was Dave's best mate when they were little- it was only mates, not gf/bf situation. I can't remember exactly but I think they first met in Nursery when he decided to 'water' her with a plastic watering can so she pushed his head in the fish tank. and that made them mates. But when they were both eleven, her family left town.  
So when she comes back, they start being all matey, and Georgia starts getting very jealous about how close they are even though it's only friendship. In the end Georgia and Dave end up having a huge argument and it turns out that yes, Amber was Dave's first kiss but it was one of those silly kiddy kisses (they were 11 tops) and they both had a fit about eachother's mouth tasting like their lunch and it being 'disgusting'. But of course Georgia takes it completely the wrong way.  
But of course what she doesn't realise is by pulling them apart she's pushing them together. Oh, and she's very annoyed because Amber fits in perfectly with the Ace Gang.  
Somewhere in this part Jas makes her take a preg test. And she has a fit. I didn't want her to be all 'Yay! I'm having a baby!', it's going to be devastating for her and she even thinks about having it aborted but she can't do it. And she doesn't trust Dave enuf at the mo to tell him.  
Georgia becomes quite matey with Imogen throughout this, (to Dave's annoyance) Imogen stops being so cruel to Georgia.  
Whilst Georgia's around the laughs house with imogen, Dave drags her away to have a chat.  
She decides to give Amber another chance, and finds that Amber isn't as bad as she thought, they even have an Ace Gang+ Amber sleepover at Gee's.  
So Georgia's excepted Amber.  
Then they go clubbing and Georgia's happy enough to go home and leave them- they're just friends aren't they? And besides, she's going home 2morz so no worries.  
But then she left her handbag and goes back, only to find Amber trying to kiss Dave- who firstly rejects her but then ends up kissing her back.  
Georgia runs home to her bed of pain. Dave didn't know she saw.  
The next day they'd all planned to go to the beach, and Dave, Tom and Sven were driving (Dave had been pestering his folks all week for the car) and Georgia ends up with Dave and the beach stuff. She won't speak to him so he tries to make a conversation but it ends up them arguing (cos he reckons shes on her time of the month cos she's grouchy and she takes offence). Then he stops the car and demands whats wrong. So she says what she saw and he's like OMG... and starts the car, not knowing what to say. At the beach he's trying to charm her back and she ends up pushing him in a rock pool (OW!!!) and screeching at him infront of the whole ace gang (who were unaware they were having problems) and stalks off to stand by the sea. The ace gang forces Dave to go apolygises (they drag him, literally, cos he's not happy with her for pushing him over) and they have a heart 2 heart and forgive eachother.  
BUT  
epiloge, there at Dave's house drinking cola from cans being all cool and she tells him she's preggers. He ends up spraying his cola everywhere and just looks gobsmacked.  
End of Horns. What shall be his reaction?

And I had another Fanfic as a secret fourquel planned after this called the Rickety See saw of life.

so Georgia's told Dave she's pregnant and he's in shock. Which makes him not ask and say the proper things such as 'what are you going to do?' he meant it as a sort of 'we' thing but she presumes that he means it as a 'what are you going to do, because I'm not helping'. So she storms off. Again.  
Then for two chapters or so, they don't have anything to do with eachother, even walk straight past eachother and stuff. Really upsetting stuff.  
but he doesn't know what to do, he's torn between not wanting to be a dad (cos he's only 15 or so - I went through all the books and time catalogued it) and the fact he loves georgia  
Gee tells her folks and they go spare at her. Cos that's realistic i reckon.  
then Dave shows up and pretty much begs forgiveness. He's got all dark patches under his eyes cos he hasn't been able to sleep properly about it and stuff (awwwwww!!!!!)  
and then you have about 2 chaps of fluff. Jas accidently blabs to everyone by saying 'You thought of any names yet?'  
Dave tells his parents, Imogen nearly has a stroke from laughing so much. His dad's keeps sighing and his Mum goes BALLISTIC. But Nash can't wait, he keeps trying to look through Georgia's belly button at the baby lol.  
But then shock horror.  
Georgia find blood...she's lost the baby (i was not writing her as a teenage mutti- not Georgia and so SILLY!)  
She doesn't tell Dave though, thinking it's her fault but ends up running off in tears when he keeps trying to talk to her stomach.  
He follows her and she tells him and he thinks it's his fault because he's stressed her out so much through amber and his ignoring her. THey both are pretty upset. Ace gang comes, sad sad chapter.  
Last chapter is 20 years on, and its the ultimate fluff to end the series. THey're married with a couple of kids,it's like the uber fluff (cos I ciouldn't think of anything else to end with)  
And that is the Gird Series in completion.

You can find notes and scraps on my deviant art of this fanfic and red herrings. The link is in my profile. Go to gallery then click scrap book at the top.


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